Dear Mr.Idiot

four

Time seemed to be moving in slow motion. The key ring she was swirling around her fingers went around once again before completely stilling. Her strut towards her car seemed to have begun to stutter at the sight of me.

"Helia?" She shouted out in bewilderment.

My heart was beating too fast for me to still have been standing. I can't help thinking back to yesterday when I told myself I was going to get outside my world for a while, how the hell did I end up doing the exact opposite?

"Oh, is that you Teyonah?" I mustered whatever courage I had to propel my feet forward. The lie I was going to tell already forming in my head. We had both reached the rear of her car, giving her the ability to properly look over me. She was not pleased. Her gaze went back towards the house I was just at and then at me.

"You went to a party?" I didn't miss the malice in her voice. Her thoughts must have been raging in disgust at the thought of me partying while her son was in no condition to do so.

"My friend visited me yesterday and saw how sad I was." I gestured towards Trevor's house as I continued. "She felt bad and forced me out saying she was going to hold a get together with some of our old friends from school."

Her eyes hardened at my words. "You had a get together in this?"

"These are her clothes, all she had I didn't really want to go anywhere and when she forced me out I wasn't really in proper meeting clothes."

I looked at her pleading that she wouldn't continue asking questions.

"And you didn't change back to your clothes from before because?" Your mother is an annoying person. Why does she always persist in this manner? Just let shit be woman.

"The hospital called about Brandon and I was in a rush. Wasn't thinking straight I was going to go straight there. But you made me realize I should probably stop at home and fix myself up."

That got her like I knew it would.

"They called? What did they say? Come on I'll drop you home, tell me on the way."

I smiled at her gratefully as I went inside the car. I took a long look at Trevor's house as she sped away. On the ride back home I told her what the hospital told me about Brandon's couple seconds of being awake. I made an entire story of going to go visit him despite knowing I had no intention to.

As she pulled into the driveway she suddenly said, "You shouldn't go, let them call you when he's fully awake."

That caught me off guard.

"Why?"

"I don't want you needlessly hanging around my son while he's trying to recover." She parked the car and gestured for me to get out.

I left the car without another word and watched as she drove off. If anything she helped me out of my lie. I didn't have the heart to visit Brandon yet. It's been four months since the accident, four months I have been trying to hide.

After showering, I took a quick nap to awake to a barren house. Without Matty, it was too quiet, I had nothing to do but think about everything I did wrong. The more my mind reeled in the past, I started to feel dirty. My skin itched and I felt like peeling off my flesh. What was wrong with me?

"Leave Matthew out of this."

"You should stop deluding yourself that this is a happy marriage."

"If you're so mad I was fucking another man turn up dead and maybe I'll feel bad about it."

The last thing I said to him. Why the fuck did I say that? I had laughed, laughed saying it. I felt dizzy, the room was spinning. I grabbed onto the nearest thing and stood laboring my breaths. I felt so dirty. My life felt like an absolute mess but I couldn't clean it up without it getting worse. With my mind cluttered and heart in disarray I started cleaning. I pulled a part the couches unearthing food and anything that may have been hidden. I pushed the furniture away to wipe down the murky floors. All the while if felt like I was revealing everything I was hiding for the world to see.

I didn't know how long I spent cleaning the house. The smell of bleach had already gave me a coughing fit and was deciding to settle into my body as oxygen. I couldn't stop, it felt necessary to keep finding dirt in places I would normally overlook. From an outsider's standpoint I must have looked crazy. I certainly felt like I was. It wasn't until my phone began blaring from the kitchen that I did take a break. It wasn't the first call, whoever it was didn't seem to want to give up.

I walked over to the table to see ten miss calls from ma, four from dad and five from my older brother, Sean. I returned ma's call first. She barely let it ring before she answered.

"Helia!" Her concerned voice screamed into my ears.

I took a seat exhausted. "Ma?" I asked weakly.

"I thought you were dead! Why weren't you answering your phone? Where are you?" She fired off question after question too fast for my tired brain to process.

"I was cleaning, left my phone in another room. I'm home you don't have to worry."

I felt extremely hot.

"Your dad and I are on our way there. Sean has Matthew, we will be there in a minute." She hung up leaving me to fall against the table feeling extremely sick. Sure enough I heard her and dad using the spare key outside to come in. They walked in yelling for me but I felt too weak to answer.

Dad found me first, he was staring at me cautiously when ma came in letting out a gasp. Did I look that bad?

I tried to give them a smile but I couldn't muster any energy.

"Ma I feel sick."

Tentatively she knelt down next to me touching my forehead. She looked back at dad willing him to come over. He looked more heartbroken than I felt.

"She's burning up Vic. She looks like she's about to die." I watched wordlessly as she spoke fear evident in every word. Dad's a retired first responder. He took charge of the situation, carrying me to the bed. He took off my shirt leaving me in my tank top. Ma came back in with the wet cloth and water he told her to get. He put the cloth on my stomach and held my head up forcing me to take some in.

"Helia, why are you doing this to yourself?"

I looked at the both of them standing there and without knowing why tears rolled out of my eyes.

"Dad, if I'm not the daughter you raised me up to be will you still love me?"

He sat on the bed wiping away my tears. Taking my hands into his he responded. "Of course you're my daughter."

"We love you regardless of any of your misgivings." Ma looked frightened as she spoke.

I couldn't look them in the eyes anymore. I couldn't keep looking at the pity being directed at me.

"I messed up really bad."

"What did you do Helia?"

They both waited for me to speak and I laid there not knowing where to really start. There was so much that I could say. So much I didn't really know how to explain.

"Helia?" Ma's concern finally broke me.

"Matthew."

"What about him?"

I finally dared myself to look up at them again before speaking.

"Brandon's not his father."