Dear Mr.Idiot

two

Ma never came back over again. She didn't even call but yet I kept expecting her to. I do this thing where I fall into despair and push people away and then later on expect them to take it all and stay. I know I wanted her to go but I really needed her to stay.

I felt so alone.

I was in the living room with Matthew cuddling him as he watched Moana. He was so obsessed with this movie now, I found it adorable. I smiled at him laughing in my arms at the crab singing. He was so cute.

If only I can stay this way all the time. Content and relaxed. Enjoying life in the moment in which I am living and not worrying about the past and meaningless things that no longer hold value. If only I wasn't so held up. If only I would stop worrying about the what ifs.

I started kissing Matthew all over his cheeks making him laugh. Being a mother wasn't that bad. I could see myself get use to this. I don't want to leave him at least for now.

Until, my phone rung in my back pocket causing all my fun to end.

It was the hospital calling for the third time today. It could be good news but it could also be bad. Something unexpected happened, something they were sure wouldn't go wrong. It seems every time I start feeling okay, I get hit with the unexpected and my anxiety starts going off the chains. But I knew I was being selfish, I thought of Matthew when he was older asking me about his father. What would I say? I don't know because I didn't answer the call. That I was too afraid? I've got to stop being so selfish. I need to be strong.

"Hello?"

"Hello, is this Helia Fraizer?"

I stared at Moana on screen before responding. It felt too similar like I was reliving some sort of deja vu.

"Yes, this is she?"

"Oh good.", the lady on the call told someone else that it was the right number before coming back.

"We were trying to reach you and tell you that he woke up today. It was only for a few minutes. It's not much but we hope this news would cheer you up and give you a sense of hope. A little bit longer and he will be home."

My heart seemed to have stop beating.

"I- No , when did this happen." There was a pause on her end.

"A few hours ago."

"Thank you for telling me. Please call me again the minute he's awake."

I hung up feeling drained. The call only made me antsy. What would he say when he wakes up? Would he want a divorce? I can only imagine facing death and coming back alive. There would be things you want to change in your life, people who are making you unhappy that you would want to get rid of. I was stressed out and extremely worried. The hourglass seemed to be pouring faster than I realized. I was running out of time to face reality.

I needed to get outside of my world for a little while. I wanted to run away.

I was suddenly aware that Matthew had stopped stirring on me. His chubby cheeks were pressed against my stomach. He slept peacefully oblivious to my internal battle.

I decided then that I needed some time to get myself together.

I called Ma.

She answered on the first ring like I knew she would.

"Take Matty for a few days."

She said nothing else, asked no questions but only replied, "I'll be right over."

By the time she arrived I had already showered, did my makeup and put on clothes.  Matthew's bag was already packed with everything he would need for a week. I didn't know how long I was going to be gone. She came with her eyes tense and filled with disappointment. She glanced over my beat face and took in the skimpy black dress I had on. It squeezed me tight enough that simply focusing on breathing was enough to take my mind off of everything else. I knew she hated to see me this way. I know she hated the person I was becoming. I ignored it and handed Matthew over to her. I stared at him getting farther away as she walked out. He was the one truth I knew but with the sound of the door closing I convinced myself that he, that everything, was a lie.

The cold air of New Jersey's spring climate slapped me across the face. Not quite warm yet for the dress I had on but it would do. I walked tipsy towards a nearby alleyway outside of the club. I felt a strange longing to be hidden between the darkness of the night, to blend into the background and not be a person anymore. 

I heard the unmistakable sound of sneakers following behind me before I heard anyone's voice. Even with it, I continued my walk of shame towards the alleyway well aware of how dangerous this could be. The further we both walked in the more the cold seemed to really flood over my body. A hand grabbed my arm pushing me into the wall. The smell of weed filled my senses.

"Hey beautiful." His eyes even in the dark, I knew were searching mine. Looking for an answer to his impending question, the one I dare not say.

"You don't look so bad yourself." His laugh filled the dark molding around us, creating our own personal entity. He was sad and I knew it. He only ever smoked when he was stressed.

His hands slid up to my face, touching it softly, hesitant. Did he feel that at any moment I might fade away?

"I didn't know when the next time I would see you would be. Is everything okay? You didn't call or answer any of my texts. I thought you died. I-"

His words fell flat in the area as he took a deep breath.

I hope he couldn't see my tears brimming the corner of my eyes. I didn't want him to know how cruel I was. I didn't want him to know the things I've been hiding. Everything I've done these days are kept in the dark and even us right now was far away from any eyes to see.

"There was some things happening. It wasn't looking so good. But I'm here now."

His hands moved from my face to my stomach. He wanted to know, he wanted to ask. I didn't want him to. I came here to fade away. Please don't bring me back to the truth I want to escape.

I wrapped my arms around his neck and brought him in closer. The alcohol and weed between our breaths danced together, a reflection of two hearts filling themselves up with disaster but of only one knowing why. His face burrowed into my neck, each kiss he planted against my skin burned from the fire I played so carelessly with. The fire that was him.

I missed this. I missed his touch.

But you flashed into my head for a second. You who was being betrayed.  

He picked me up allowing me to wrap my legs around him and like many times before, I fell into him allowing him to take control.