Dear Mr.Idiot

five

The pain I was feeling right now wasn't identifiable. It could have been from the guilt flaring up in me that has my body weak and clinging for some sort of hope. Hope that if I admit my wrongs I can make this entire mess from the last few months better. Or it could be the astonishment and confusion on my ma's face. The disappointment that I watched slowly settle on my dad's. I needed so desperately to hear things like these happen. People cheat, things get rough and they make a mistake. I'm not a terrible person, I can come out of this. 

Say it. Please say it's okay. 

I wanted one moment where I'm exposed for everyone to see me drowning without any lifeguard on duty. To recognize that the water around me was murky and grey- my eyes that it clouded over couldn't see to swim up. That regardless of the tragedy that I was, someone will dive in and save me; take my hand and help to clean me up. Only that way would I have the confidence to face Brandon again. Only then will I believe my marriage I ruined before it could start, would not end. 

"Say something please." My willpower was shattering as I pleaded. The voice I spoke in was hardly recognizable anymore. I've spent too long hiding and digging this hole. Was it time for me to rest in it?

"Ma? Dad?" I searched gravely back and forth between them. Who would take that leap to throw my blanket of security around me?

Dad spoke first. The minute I watched him put distance from me as he got up from the bed I realized neither of them would bend to what I seek. 

"Helia. What do you mean he's not his son?" The tone in which he spoke was leveled and devoid of the loving attitude he was previously using. 

"Brandon found out that day."  Ma's words forced me to try and sit up on the bed. She was piecing it all together. 

"Ma, it was a mistake. It got out of control."

"How long has this been going on?" Dad wanted only the facts. This was how he was in serious situations. Facts first and all else last. 

Feebly I admitted, "Since we got married".

"Do you know how much money we put into your wedding? The double shifts your mother took the countless back pains because you kept assuring us he was the one."

"I-"

"You what? You have nothing to say that could explain this mess. We didn't raise you to be a whore."

"Now Victor that's too far." Ma had finally spoke up. Unfortunately, the word he had spoken had already pierced my heart. Is that really who I was?

"Don't Victor me! You have been spoiling her for too long now. How are you gonna excuse this?"

"Maybe he cheated too or they could've not been happy together." She looked at me for confirmation but there was none to give. 

"There wasn't anything like that."

Ma looked lost for words. "Tell us Helia, why did you do it?" 

My eyes refused to look at them anymore as I spoke. "I was confused, a few weeks after the wedding I had a thought that maybe I rushed into this without really knowing how I felt about him. It wasn't something I planned it was a mistake." 

"How long did this mistake last?" Dad was relentless.

"Dad, I feel really lost. I don't know what to do." I finally took a glance back up. 

"How long did it last?" Ma looked scared to know. 

"A few years." I admitted sheepishly.

"A few fucking years. That's the longest mistake I've ever heard of." 

"I don't know why I did it! I'm confused okay. I feel stupid already. I just want my parents to help me through this." My outburst surprised even myself. 

"You're an adult already we're frustrated too. There's nothing we can do but tell you how bad this entire thing is."  Ma tried to say everything gently but the words fell on my ears like a bomb. Was that it? I have to fix everything alone.

In the middle of my overthinking mind my phone rang once more from the kitchen. Ma went to get it and brought it to me worried. 

"It's the hospital." 

I answered the phone my heart expecting the worse. The words that greeted me only further increased my beating heart.

"Hello Mrs. Fraizer! The patient Brandon Fraizer has just woken up-"

I cut the call in the middle and hopped off the bed. My body suddenly filled with energy. In between rushed breaths I told my parents that he was up. Dad despite his annoyance at me offered to give me a ride to the hospital. The entire way there I conjured up pleas and excuses to tell Brandon. I needed to ensure our relationship wouldn't end with this accident. It wouldn't end with the words I had said to him the last time. I pleaded desperately with the universe to help me. 

"I never should have married you." 

Oh how much I willed those words to not exist or hold meaning anymore. I wanted to reunite with him, happily in the hospital. I'll apologize and he'll say how the times he must of been without me makes him want to be with me more. Something cheesy like he usually says. 

We arrived at the hospital the anxiety in me threatening to spill over at the automatic door. I played with my auburn hair that had started to turn a murky brown from lack of wash. 

These past months have left me an absolute mess.

My feet about ran towards the front desk, it would be the second time I came here to see him since he had the surgery. I was ashamed to face my parents in hopes they hadn't realized I didn't know where his room was anymore. 

The lady at the desk seemed to be typing in his name at a sloth's pace. I was impatient I wanted to jump over and do it myself. When she finally told me the room number, I bolted running down the corridor checking every room. I stopped outside his, number 304.

Rapidly my breathing spiked as I said my last plea and opened the doors deciding my fate for the rest of my life. 

There was a nurse inside checking his vitals. She smiled at me as I came inside. 

"Are you his guardian?"

I nodded scared my voice would give away the turmoil inside of me. 

"Everything's looking good. Right now we're trying to see how long he will stay up in case it's like last time where it was a few minutes. If after a week he's up then we'll start prepping him for physical therapy. There's a likelihood he may be numb in some areas." 

She left us after those words forcing me to look at him. 

My husband. 

"Brandon." I said softly. His blue eyes peered at me quizzically. He seemed stunned, maybe still a bit dazed from waking up. 

I edged closer to his bed. "How are you feeling?"

Wordlessly he stared, taking in my features. Was he realizing how tired I was? Did the guilt I've been living with shine on my face? 

"I've missed you." Finally I broke down, tears flooded my eyesight. I felt relieved that he was alive but I felt even more miserable knowing things won't be the same. 

"Why are you crying?" His voice sounded weak and strained. 

"I thought you wouldn't wake up?"

Brandon went quiet again. He opened his mouth to speak and then shut it once more. He seemed to be struggling with something. Was talking causing him pain?

"If it hurts, you don't have to speak."

He shook his head. "No it's not that." 

Then- "It's just I'm confused."

"About what?"

It was then that I really assessed him. When I had came towards him he had tried to move his body back. He seemed scared, he was treating me like a stranger or something equally as frightening. The next words he spoke made me fall to the floor.

"Do I know you?"