FireFly

Chapter Twenty Five

"I-I've been thinking," Evan began. It had been nearly four days since he found out Connor was in the hospital and now that his boyfriend was safe and had been discharged, he wanted to go over some rules if Connor ever got himself into a situation like that again, "I love you so much, Connor-"

"I love you, too." Connor replied instantly and Evan smiled slightly.

"And I think if we w-want this relationship to last," He continued, "w-we need to talk about what we d-do when the others having a hard time b-because now we both k-know what it feels like to have your boyfriend be in a h-hospital bed and-"

"That's different." Connor's eyes hardened, "Mine wasn't a suicide attempt-"

"But it has been b-before!" Evan insisted.

"Yeah, before we met!" He replied, agitatedly combing a hand through his hair, "I had a migraine. I accidentally took too many painkillers. How many times do I have to-"

"Please." The blonde said, desperately.

Connor looked at those pleading, wide blue eyes and sighed. He could understand where Evan was coming from, it was clear to anyone on the outside looking in that the two boys didn't have the best coping mechanisms. It was messy, it was sloppy, it always ended in tears, fights, a broken arm, a jagged arm of scar tissue.

And all Connor could hear was the words 'toxic, monster, stupid,' over and over and over again like someone was carving them into his skull. But when he looked at Evan Hansen and when he was sitting next to Evan Hansen and when he was kissing Evan Hansen and sleeping right next to Evan Hansen... that little voice in his head that was constantly telling him to simply give up because he wasn't worth it just disappeared.

Maybe that was why he stayed around for as long as he did, for his own selfish reasons, because when he was with Evan he actually felt good about himself, for once.

If only he could have been selfish for a little while longer.

"Fine." He relented, relishing in the way his boyfriends eyes lit up, "What were you thinking?"

Evan furrowed his eyebrows, he shifted on his bed where he and Connor both sat and reached over into his bedside table to pull out a blank notebook and a pen.

He took a shaky breath, "If one of u-us ever feels a-alone, we call the other."

Connor nodded, "Write it down."

He did. "Have you g-got any ideas?"

"No lying and saying 'I'm fine' if you're not."

"T-That's for me." Evan laughed, writing it down.

"That's for you." The taller boy repeated, laughing along.

"No getting a-angry at each other for b-being worried."

"Oh, and that's me?"

"That's you."

Evan stopped writing for a moment and held Connor's hand, looking into his boyfriends eyes he said carefully, "I-I want you to c-call me or text me o-or come over here before you c-cut."

He tensed his jaw and nodded reluctantly, "Only if you do the same."

"I don't c-"

"Just." He held a hand up, "Please."

Evan nodded and wrote it down, "Okay," he said to himself, "Okay, anything e-else?"

Connor hummed, "I think we should have a codeword, y'know if we have a bad feeling we can text the other the codeword to check if they're okay."

The blonde smiled, "I like that."

"What should it be?"

"A Lá Mode?"

"Nah, if we're texting autocorrect will fuck that up."

"Orchard?"

Connor shuddered, remembering the family picnic they had there, "Definitely not."

"Drink." Evan said suddenly, taking the water bottle off his bedside table and passing it to his boyfriend.

The long haired boy raised an eyebrow, "What?"

"You just r-reminded me of Zoe and she told me to tell you to d-drink."

He rolled his eyes, "I'm fine. I've already had a lot to drink today."

Evan glared at him, "You were in h-hospital for four days with Aspirin p-poisoning and according to Zoe you w-were throwing up every time you o-opened your eyes in the ambulance and you s-suffered from dehydration. So drink." He ordered, counting off all of Connor's ailments on his fingers.

Connor shook his head but he took a swig of water nonetheless, especially because these new rules of their relationship meant he couldn't get mad at Evan for caring.

"Happy?" He asked, wiping his mouth with the sleeve of his hoodie.

Evan nodded.

"Anyway," the dark haired boy continued, "We're always asking each other 'Are you safe?' so I think that should be our codeword. Why fix what ain't broke?" He shrugged.

"That's m-more like a code phrase."

"Whatever."

The blonde laughed, "O-Okay then, that's our codeword." He said, writing it down.

"You know what, Hansen?"

"What?"

"I think we've got quite an impressive list going on now."

"Me t-too."

"I'm proud of us."

Evan smiled and grasped Connor's hands, leaning in for a kiss he whispered, "I'm proud of y-you."

And that right there was the reason why Connor Murphy let himself be selfish for Evan Hansen.