FireFly

Chapter Sixteen

Evan's eyes slowly fluttered open. He could hear the repetitive beep beep of the heart rate machine, but this was all wrong. He had died, hadn't he? Why could he still think, still feel, still smell the antiseptic of the hospital, still hear the machine and voices and doctors shoes squeaking on the floor, why was he here? Who had found him?

He opened his eyes fully, immediately regretting it and just wishing he could go back to sleep when the harsh, bright light stung his sensitive pupils. He must have groaned quietly without realising as the voices he heard earlier stopped and Evan heard the scuffling of shoes on hardwood flooring as the owners of the voices got closer to his bed.

"Evan? Honey?" He knew that voice, that was the voice that said good morning to him every morning and good night every night and "I love you" every day. This was Heidi, his mum. This was safe.

"Lights," he mumbled in reply, still squinting and turning his head to the side.

"Okay I've got it," she said, softly and when he heard the click of a light switch being turned off, he could stop squinting and look closer at his mothers worried face. "Careful of your arm, honey."

Huh? Evan averted his gaze downwards to his arms that were tucked in tightly underneath the heavy, itchy material of hospital bedding. In his half awake state and poor vision, it was clear to make out the beginning of a thick, white cast on his left arm.

It was obvious to Evan now, starring him down in the face, that his attempt had failed. Was he sad? He always was, but not because of this. Happy, relieved, thankful? Not at all. The blonde was more embarrassed than anything, it was clear as day to anyone who knew him what he was trying to do, Evan had been climbing trees since the age of four and now he falls out of one?

"I'll let the two of you talk and be back later with some more pain meds." The second voice said before waking out the room and shutting the door, the doctor, Evan presumed.

Silence. Beep beep beep was the only sound that filled the empty room, like the heart rate monitor was mocking him. Look, I'm still beating, I'm still here and so are you, you didn't do anything.

Heidi cleared her throat, "Um, your boss at the Orchard found you." She began, Evan did nothing but focus on a spot on the wall in front of him, "He called an ambulance and he called me, when I arrived the paramedics were loading you into the ambulance. You were out cold, you were slightly burnt from the sun since you were there for a while until your boss went looking for you, the sirens were so loud, Evan, you don't realise how loud they are until you're right next to it and it's happening to you.

"Your arm was broken in so many places that they had to operate and you had to have pins put in. I watched as they wheeled you down to the operating theatre, away from the ambulance, away from the hospital wards, away from me. I sat in the waiting room for nearly two hours and all I could think about was 'what if this boy doesn't wake up?' I couldn't cope with that. But then, whilst you're being wheeled into recovery, one of the doctors comes out to talk to me and do you know what he says?"

Evan breathes in deeply, starring at the cast on his left arm, "What?" He murmured.

Heidi seemed to clench her jaw as she turned to face the door, as if preparing herself for what she was about to say next, "He says, 'Due to the circumstances of the accident your son was in, we cannot rule out the possibility that it was a suicide attempt.'"

It was the way that she had seemed to replay those words over and over again in her head, how she had memorised them and said them all with such finality that it had Evan at a loss for words.

It was a suicide attempt, there was no doubt about that. Evan knew it, Heidi knew it, hell even the doctors seemed to know it. He felt this huge, intense wave of shame wash over him, drown him, as he thought about what Connor might say. Connor was no stranger to this topic, Connor was no stranger to this whole damn experience but the blonde couldn't cope not knowing how his boyfriend would react when he was on the other side of this whole ordeal.

The thought made his stomach churn.

Evan bit his lip, "Mum, I-I wouldn't do t-that, you k-know I wouldn't." He whispered.

Heidi covered her mouth with her hands, blue eyes filling with tears as she chocked out, "You're lying."

Evan tried shaking his head, denying it all, he really tried. He had tears of his own pooling in his eyes, threading to fall, and the more he seemed to deny it, the more Heidi seemed to believe it.

"Why?" She whispered, he barely heard her since her shaking hands were still closed over her mouth in shock.

"I-I didn't-"

"Honey, please-"

Evan sighed. Hearing your mum cry and beg for answers on why you tried killing yourself really did something to your emotions. Why had he done it? He could try passing it all off as the fight he had with Connor, he could explain that fighting was all they seemed to do and it always hurt them both to the point of breaking but it felt so good in the end so they just kept coming back to each other, he could try to get her to understand how hard it was for him to function in the world and it all got so overwhelming, that letting go was the easiest way out at the time.

"C-Connor-"

"Connor?" She repeated, brows drawn, eyes puffy and red, "I knew it," she added, softly.

"What?"

"Of course, Evan! Can't you see? Connor's always talking about killing himself that it's rubbed off on you!"

"N-No!" He exclaimed, struggling to sit up with one arm, "Connor is not a-always talking about k-killing himself, y-you don't even k-know him."

"He's got a reputation!"

"That's n-not his f-fault!"

Heidi took a deep breath, she clenched her fists around the sleeves of her jumper, tears dripping down her cheeks as she said very carefully, "This boy is bad for you, Evan! You're too reliable on each other, his thoughts are seeping into your mind and making you feel the same way as he does!"

Evan shook his head, messy blonde hair flying everywhere, "T-That's not t-true, I love him!"

"You let go, Evan. You tried to kill yourself!" She yelled, "You never used to have those kind of thoughts before you met Connor!"

"How do y-you know?" Evan yelled back.

"Because you're my son!"

"Am I?" They were both shouting now, the entire hospital could probably hear them, "Biologically s-sure, but h-honestly? I haven't f-felt like your s-son in a l-long time."

As soon as the words left his mouth, Evan regretted them. He regretted them even more when Heidi just shook her head, wiped her eyes, grabbed her bag and stormed out of the room.

Leaving Evan alone, with the beep beep of the heart monitor that was going slightly faster from the energy it took to argue, the smell of a hospital, the dread of seeing Connor's reaction when he found out and the thought that maybe, just maybe, if he had gone to a taller tree this all could have been avoided.

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Gotta get worse before it gets better, folks!

Iris
Xoxo