FireFly

Chapter Eighteen

Connor left the hospital quickly after that, making sure to glare at Jared on his way out. He probably should try to get along with Kleinman for Evan's sake but honestly? He couldn't be bothered, especially since it was clear that Jared wouldn't be making the same effort as him.

Connor rushed out of the hospital reception, more than eager to get away from the smell, the doctors, the sick patients, the memories of last time he was here and it was him in that hospital bed and not Evan. His beautiful, kind, sweet, happy Evan who didn't deserve this.

The blonde could say all he wanted that it wasn't Connor's fault, that he'd been having these thoughts and ideas for a long, long time, that it was just that one day - that one fucking day - where they fought which pushed him over the edge. And Connor knew that feeling, he knew it like the back of his hand, for a while it was all he could feel! That was why he felt an even greater sense of remorse for knowing that he had something, just something, to do with hurting Evan Hansen.

To do with Evan Hansen attempting suicide.

That it was his fault, his anger, his scars, his breakdowns that had happened one too many times in front of Evan to make Evan feel the same way he did. And god, nobody on this Earth deserved that feeling less than Hansen.

These thoughts followed him, like a song he couldn't get out of his head, as he got into his car and drove to Doctor Heere's office. Connor was long overdue for a visit with Paul, Cynthia had caught onto the fact that he hasn't been going recently, and he made a promise to himself that he would attend this one.

So he did.

"Hello, Connor." Paul acknowledged, looking up from his desk as the long haired boy walked in and took a seat in one of the cold, wooden chairs.

Connor simply nodded in return, not able to bring himself to reply.

"I've not seen you in a while," the balding man remarked, leaning forward on his desk and looking genuinely interested.

If he were being honest with himself, Connor preferred Paul to any other person who'd tried to 'cure' him of this sickness he had going on inside of his head. He appreciated the fact that Paul would be perfectly content to just use up all of their time in silence and not try to get him to talk about his emotions like the others would. But there was still that nagging voice in the back of his mind telling him that Paul was hired by Cynthia and Larry to fix Connor, so that was exactly what he was trying to do even if it didn't seem like it.

"Sorry," he replied shortly.

Paul frowned, "There's no need to apologise, I'm interested to know what you've been up to."

Connor shrugged, "I don't know."

Because he didn't. Summer was nearly over and he had done nothing except meet a boy, fall in love, and then make that boy try to kill himself.

"Did you get a job?"

"No."

"Girlfriend?"

"I'm gay."

"Boyfriend, then?"

Connor raised an eyebrow at how the expression of the older man's face didn't even falter. "Yes." He answered, throat tight.

Was this a good idea? Telling Paul about Evan? It wasn't as if Paul was going to tell Cynthia and Larry their son had a boyfriend, but he couldn't escape the feeling that talking about the blonde would somehow put him in even more danger.

Danger of what? Danger of Connor and this whirlwind of a mess that seemed to follow him wherever he went.

Doctor Heere seemed to notice the raised eyebrow, "My son has a boyfriend." He explained, "How long have you known him?"

Connor shrugged, he did know. Until he lost track and didn't. Was that bad? Did that make him a bad boyfriend?

And it just went on and on.

"What's his name?"

"How did you meet?"

"Where is he now?"

"Does he know you're here?"

"Does he know about the state of your mental health?"

"Does he help you with it?"

"How does he help you with it?"

Connor mostly shrugged his way through all of those questions. They felt too intrusive, too personal, it wasn't fair that Evan was being dragged into this, that Paul had an idea of what Evan was like without even meeting him! It wasn't right, it wasn't right at all. He never wanted for this to happen, he never meant to have everybody find out about the two of them. Jared, Zoe, Heidi, Paul. It was a mistake. He was a mistake. Who the fuck was he to be sitting here talking to a fucking therapist about his fucking feelings, or whatever the hell they were talking about, when he was the reason that Evan Hansen had jumped out of that fucking tree and that he was the reason why Evan Hansen was so bloody broken that he would actually even consider-

He couldn't even finish his trail of thought, he was so angry. He was so angry at himself for hurting his boyfriend, for telling Paul about Evan in the first place, he was angry at Paul for asking him all of these questions that he didn't really need to know the answer to, he was angry at Cynthia and Larry for putting him here in the first place. It was all just too much.

"You want to know about my boyfriend?" Connor snapped, standing up and pushing his chair back harshly as he did so, "My boyfriend is in a hospital bed right now because I fucked up. That's right! He tried to fucking kill himself because I don't make him as happy as he deserves to be! Because there is a part of me that is dark and ugly and terrifies even me, and I can't control it. And I take everything out on Evan and everyone around me, I know that makes me a monster and I know that it makes me toxic and I don't know how to stop it." He's sobbing, when did he start sobbing? This was not the plan, yelling your heart out to your therapist until your throat hurt whilst your hands were balled up into fists and tears were streaming down your face was not the plan. "And it's not that I don't care, because I do!" He laughed, manically and ran a hand through his hair, "It's just that I care more than I want to and that's... that's terrifying."

Doctor Heere looked up at Connor from where he was still sitting at his desk and said, "Connor, caring about someone is supposed to be terrifying." He explained simply, completely unfazed by the Murphy boy's breakdown, "That's how you know you love them."

Connor shook his head and wiped angrily at his eyes. He had to go, he had to get out of here. With a rushed excuse, the long haired boy collected his bag and hurried out of the office door, he walked at the same fast pace as he did to get out of the hospital and he didn't stop until he was in his car and driving far, far away.

_____________

Thank you for reading! Hope you enjoyed this chapter!

Iris
Xoxo