FireFly

Chapter Twentytwo

"I-I'm s-sorry!" He sobbed, choking over the emotion in his voice, heavy gushes of tears streaking themselves down his blotchy face, "I'm s-so, so, s-sorry."

They were back at his house now, the drive over was quiet except for the radio that Connor had on a low hum but now that they were back in Evan's living room and the reality of what just happened having just set in, he found himself panicking all over again.

Connor sighed, "Stop it."

"I r-really d-didn't m-mean it, I-I wish I c-could take it a-all back, I'm s-so s-sorry." Evan stuttered over his words more so than usual in his haste to get them out. He had to make Connor understand, he had to make sure Connor understood. "I-I didn't m-mean to l-let go."

Connor didn't know why, but seeing Evan like this was making him mad. He didn't blame the blonde in the slightest for what had happened, he didn't know who he was even mad at but there was that feeling deep inside that he had to be mad at someone and then it hit him.

He was angry with himself, that he had reduced Evan Hansen into a sobbing wreck. And it was true! If Connor wasn't in the picture then everything bad that had happened to Evan this summer wouldn't have happened at all, no.

He wouldn't have fallen out with Jared Kleinman, his best friend.

He wouldn't have fallen out with Heidi because no matter how many times Evan denied it, Connor knew that he was one of the reasons why they had an argument.

He wouldn't have jumped out of that fucking tree.

He wouldn't have lost his job at the Orchard.

He wouldn't have been hurt by Connor because Connor had hurt him more times than he had ever meant to.

He wouldn't have had all of these panic attacks that have been started by him or caused by the things that Connor fucking did.

And the list just went on and on and Connor knew that the longer they stayed together, the more the list was going to grow and the thought made his stomach churn violently.

"You don't need to keep saying you're fucking sorry, Hansen!" He yelled, instead. He didn't mean to yell, he didn't ever want to raise his voice but he couldn't fucking concentrate and all he wanted was to make Evan safe and he wasn't even doing that but he couldn't stop himself.

"I n-need you to k-know that I a-am though!" Evan yelled back, blue eyes swimming with unshed tears and he looked at Connor with a burning intensity of desperation that made the long haired boy want to physically throw up as he realised that this is what he's done to someone who he loves more than life itself.

"You have nothing to be sorry for!" He argued, desperately. "Please, Hansen," he chocked on the verge of tears, "I've fucking done this to you, okay? I'm a fucking monster and you need to leave now before I hurt you more than I already fucking have."

Evan shook his head, wiping the tears off of his face with his cast free arm, "I don't care." He said, fiercely, "I love you, w-whatever you need me to d-do, I'm here. I'm w-willing to do i-it all. Y-You want to s-scream, yell and c-cry at me u-until it all f-feels better? Go ahead. You w-want to break a-and throw t-things? Do it. You want t-to call me a-at all hours o-of the day? I-I'll pick up, e-every time. Y-You don't want to s-say anything and just sit h-here in silence, w-with me? I'll be r-right there."

Connor blinked and suddenly all the tears that had been threatening to fall, fell and they didn't stop coming. He wanted to smoke, to get a razor blade, to scream, throw something, but he wasn't willing to do any of it in front of Evan Hansen so in that very moment, he cried. Ugly, snotty tears that forced themselves out of his chest until he was gasping for breath and he had never felt more remorseful for all the times he brought this feeling upon Evan then he did in that moment.

It wasn't the first time they'd cried in front of each other and it was bound to not be the last but this time they felt more vulnerable, this time it felt like a promise. To always make sure the other was safe.

"Why are you still here?" Connor asked in a whisper, voice cracking with tears, "I've broken you."

"No." Evan replied, holding onto Connor's hand as he'd done for Evan many times, "You've b-broken yourself and t-taken me with you a-and I wouldn't have it a-any other way."

Connor grinned that wonderful cheeky grin through his tears and leaned in to kiss Evan, it was wet and salty and snotty but it was real and it was them.

Soon they were racing each other up the stairs, into Evan's bedroom and Connor laid Evan down so gently on the queen sized bed almost afraid that the blonde would break, they wiped the tears of off one another's face and fumbled their way out of their clothing, laughing at the way Connor dramatically flung Evan's top in the corner of the room and the way Connor swore when the fly to his jeans got stuck.

Evan flushed a bright red when Connor trailed kisses up and down his torso and gasped especially when he hit that place on his neck.

Connor sighed in relief when Evan finally touched him and nearly embarrassed himself with how quickly he almost came undone. Almost.

They both said "I love you" getting louder and louder with each thrust Connor gave into Evan until Connor moaned when Evan pulled his hair and they both finished.

It wasn't the first time they had been with each other in bed, but after all the promises and tears and ugly truths it was definitely the most intimate and vulnerable they had been.

In that moment everything was okay, because they were both safe.