FireFly

Chapter Fourteen

When Connor awoke the next morning, it was still dark out and Evan was laying next to him, fast asleep. He took a moment to replay what had happened last night in his head and smiled down at his sleeping boyfriend in his arms.

God, he was lucky.

So, so, incredibly, amazingly lucky.

And this boy made him happy. This blonde, blue eyed, anxious, nature enthusiast boy made Connor Murphy so goddamn happy it made his heart clench.

But it wasn't enough, he wished it was, but it wasn't. It made him crazy that being in love with Evan wasn't enough to save him, but what he could he do? Nothing.

These thoughts constantly swam around in his head and sometimes the only thing that could relieve himself of them was smoking. If Connor was being honest, he didn't like smoking. He didn't like the smell, he didn't like the fact that he knew it was unhealthy and that he didn't care, he didn't even particularly like the taste.

But it was an escape. It was a way to shut his mind off, a relaxant; so that's exactly why he carefully got out of the bed, making sure not to awake Evan, reached into his bag that was dumped in the corner, sat down at Evan's desk and lit a cigarette.

A decision he would quickly, oh so fucking quickly, regret for a long, long time.

It was about ten minutes later and Connor was on to his second smoke that the switch of Evan's bedside light being turned on made him jump in surprise. He turned his head around and saw Evan sitting up in bed, a hurt look on his face and the brunette immediately felt like an arsehole.

He was so sick of that feeling.

"Morning," Connor mumbled, "I think. I don't know what time it is."

"It's m-midnight." Evan replied, voice shaking.

"Ah."

The pair were silent. A beat. And then Evan said, "Connor are you seriously s-smoking right after we m-made l-love for the first t-time?"

Connor sighed and put out the cigarette, "Ev-"

The blonde cut him off, which was a shock to the long haired boy and an immediate sign that he'd fucked up, "W-We said I love you. We, I-" he sighed and bit his lower lip, "Do you k-know how that makes me f-feel? You're the first person I've ever b-been with and I r-really love you Connor, I do, and t-then I find the bed e-empty, think you've just u-up and l-left me but no. You're still here, just n-not with me. Just s-smoking, like you a-always are." He added in a mumble, crossing his arms.

What could Connor say to that?

He... it... this was an odd feeling. It wasn't defeat, because he had buckets of knowledge over what that was and what that felt like. It wasn't sadness, even though he was sad right now, Connor was sad because Evan looked sad but that wasn't what he was feeling. It was a twisted stomach, a heavy chest, a buzzing mind, his limbs went light.

And then it hit him. This was something he hadn't ever had the chance to get used to because, well, this was the feeling of hurting someone you loved.

He chose his next words delicately, knowing that Evan's beautiful, big, blue eyes were watching him carefully, "Evan, this isn't about us having sex."

"Having s-sex." The blonde quoted, "What am I to y-you?"

"What do you mean what are you to me?" Connor asked, voice picking up in volume, "You're my boyfriend, you're someone I love, don't ask ridiculous questions!" He took a deep breath and tucked a strand of hair behind his ear, and lowered his voice knowing that yelling wouldn't get them anywhere, "You don't understand. You can't understand. Just... let me do what I need to be okay, please?"

Evan wiped his eyes, and Connor had to look away because he couldn't cope knowing that he was the reason his boyfriend was crying, "To b-be okay-"

"Evan." Connor said through gritted teeth, he closed his eyes knowing what was coming next.

"To be o-okay," the blonde carried on, "you need t-to go to therapy! T-Take your meds, try a-all these techniques the d-doctors are giving you! Quit all the s-smoking and-"

"Evan!" Connor snapped, because he wasn't ready to hear it. The Truth Bomb.

"I love you a-and I want you to be around f-for a long t-time, I want to go to p-prom with you, I w-want us to still be together in c-college! We could get an a-apartment together and decorate i-it how we w-want and take turns c-cooking because neither o-one of us is good at it I want to f-fucking marry you, Connor, b-because I love you! But none of t-that is going to happen i-if you carry on like this. I... I feel like I-I'm not enough for y-you."

For a brief moment, Connor stopped to think about how much thought Evan had put into their future together. It sounded absolutely wonderful, everything the brunette could ever want. And it was with Evan! That was the goal, that was what kept Connor going, knowing that one day he and Evan would be in a little fixer upper apartment together, laughing in the kitchen, listening to music whilst cooking, doing laundry, watching movies in the living room and falling asleep in each other's arms.

It felt so far away.

"You... you're more than enough for me, Ev. I just-"

"What?" Evan asked, wrapping his arms round himself, "I'm n-not worth i-it? Not g-good enough?"

"You are the one goddamn thing in my life that's good, Hansen!" Connor yelled, jaw clenched, mind racing.

"Then f-fucking prove it!" Evan yelled back with equal anger.

And he was about to. He was about to scream every single reason to his boyfriend about why he was good, and why he was enough, and why he meant more to Connor than the fucking sun. But for some reason that fight or flight mode that's built into everyone failed him, it was completely beyond Connor's control, so instead of comforting Evan like he wanted to, the long haired boy took one last look at his boyfriend sobbing on the bed before storming out of the bedroom and out of the house entirely.

__________________

I have nothing to say but sorry.

Thanks for reading, please tell me what you thought of this chapter!

Iris
Xoxo