My Spy 6: Private Eye

Discharged

We missed the arraignment. 

The cramping woke me from a deep sleep around two a.m and lasted while I bled until morning. Ryan held my hand and held back tears as the doctor confirmed the miscarriage and then he crawled in next to me as soon as the doctor left us to grieve.

He held me as I cried into his chest and I felt the top of my head grow damp from his own tears. The doctor said sometimes these things happen, it may have been the strenuous physical activity that my body went through or the fetus simply wasn't developing properly. He said even if I didn't go through my stressful ordeal that day, the miscarriage could have still happened. I was almost in my second trimester, almost out of the woods but it was always going to be a possibility. 

I know Ryan blamed Kit and I blamed Whitney for triggering the events that unfolded. I went from shocked to sad to angry and back to shocked as the sun came up. Both of us were too emotionally drained to pack up and leave to go to the courthouse. When Ryan volunteered to call my mother to tell her the news I let him. I couldn't say it out loud yet. I had just wrapped my head around having a baby and then in an instant, it was gone. I think Ryan was relieved that we hadn't told his parents yet so it was one less phone call. He instructed Austin to be with Margot at the courthouse today. He knew Molly was going to need all the support she could get so he stopped Austin from coming by the hospital. He texted Veronica that we wouldn't be there, but to let us know what happens next. Everyone would be wondering where I was but I suddenly didn't care. Rory suddenly just didn't matter. 

When Ryan came back in after talking to Austin, he leaned against the door frame while looking to me. His brown hair was stretched out after running his hands through it all night and I was afraid he was going to rip it all out. His eyes are swollen and even though he's tan from the summer sun, he looks pale in the hospital lighting. If he looks that shitty I can't imagine what I look like. 

"What are you thinking about?" He asks me softly as he searches my face for an answer. 

"I was just wondering if I look as bad as you do," I ask him and he manages to give me a hint of a smile. 

"If I look like I went through hell and back then yes, you look as bad as I do," he tells me before coming over to crawl back in next to me. He squeezes me against him and I rest my head on his chest. He strokes my face with his thumb and I look to the clock above the small TV in the corner. It's almost nine. Rory's arraignment was scheduled for 9:15 so we won't have to wait much longer before we're bombarded with phone calls. 

"I tried to convince your mother to head there instead of coming here, but I don't think she cares what happens at the courthouse today," Ryan tells me before kissing the top of my head. 

"She's going to want to take care of me," I tell him, as my head rests against his chest. 

"That's why I am here. I take care of you now."

"And while I am a mess, who is going to take care of you?" I ask. 

"Austin," he says with a light laugh. I bury my face into him before saying, "I don't want to go back to Austin's and I don't want to go back to my mother's."

"We have a big empty house I can take you to?" Ryan jokingly suggests and I realize that's where I want to be. I want to be in my own space with just Ryan. 

"You will come and stay with me," my mother interrupts as she bursts into the small room. We both snap our heads toward the door and we see that she has a duffle bag tucked onto her small arm and her hand is holding a massive water bottle. 

"Momma," I start but she shakes her head. 

"You both have suffered through real trauma. You need to be somewhere safe, with people to take care of you. I should have never left the hospital last night," she says, catching herself before she cries in front of us. She holds a knuckle up to her nose to calm herself. She takes a breath in and Ryan pulls himself away from me. I instantly miss him but it's weird to lay in bed with him while my mother hovers over us. 

"Our house is empty, baby girl. I would take you there if I could get a bed in there in a few hours, but the contractors are still working on the kitchen. There could be dust and fumes everywhere." Ryan tells me, shockingly now siding with my mother. 

"Your husband is talkin' sense darlin'. Come stay with me, at least for the evening and you can make a game plan tomorrow," she says softly while moving my matted, greasy hair behind my ear. She notices it too and adds, "Let's do a spa day when you're comfortable enough to move around."

"Mother, I was kidnapped and suffered a miscarriage all in twenty-four hours. I am allowed to look like shit," I tell her and she winces again. I watch as she swallows the frog down but the tears linger on her lower lids. 

"I'm so sorry Sawyer," she whispers and I have to look away as the tears come. She grabs my hand and Ryan comes to stand next to her. I wipe my face with my palm and then look back to her, "I told Ryan a few weeks ago that something about our new life didn't seem real." I can't stop my voice from wobbling but I continue, "That I wasn't able to process my new reality because I was afraid something was going to happen and I was right."

"Don't think like that, Sawyer," Momma sternly tells me but I shake my head. 

"It's true. Every time I think I'm happy something happens. Nothing stays real for too long," I tell them and Ryan turns away from me, which is fine because I can't see him cry again. It splits my heart apart. 

"Let's just focus on what we can control at the moment. You have a husband who loves you and a mother that will take care of whatever you need alright?" She tells me and I find myself agreeing. She drops the duffle bag on the end of the bed and says, "If the doctor is okay with you leaving, I think we should get out of here. Go grieve properly at home." She pats my hand and then leaves Ryan and me alone. I know she won't cry in front of me so she strides quickly out of the room. I look at him through wet lashes and ask, "Do you want to go back to my mother's?"

He shrugs, "She'll shield us from everyone else and make sure you're taken care of. Celia will dote on you too." He squeezes my hand and I nod. He pulls me up so I am seated and then gingerly unlaces my hospital gown. He dresses me in the sweats my mother brought and I can't wait to take a shower. After he tugs me into the matching sweater, he rests his hand on the side of my cheek as he says, "I don't know what to expect here. I don't know when this hollow feeling will go away or how you'll be for the next few days. But I am here for you baby. Lean on me if you need to." Another wave of tears comes and I pull him into me. My head sits against his torso and I realize I don't know what to expect either. I don't know how long it will be until I feel normal again. He pulls away to grab me a tissue and after wiping my face down I look at him. Both of us lost but in it together. The doctor raps his knuckles on the door and we prepare to be discharged.