My Spy 6: Private Eye

Expectations

It didn't take long for us to finish packing up Ryan's tiny studio. He understood the urgency to get home and I texted Momma to let her know I'd be home in two days. Our conversation could wait until then.

We hopped into Ryan's truck and started our journey toward Mississippi after loading up the back seat with sugary, calorie-packed snacks. I forced him to stop at the bagel shop down the street from his apartment so I could get one last everything bagel with garden cream cheese. I was only in New York for a few weeks, but that quickly turned into my go-to breakfast place. 

As the magnificent city skyline fades from view, I glance over to Ryan, who was looking comfortable in the driver's seat with his hand lying limp from the window, and ask, "Are you going to miss it?" Without looking behind him he quickly replies, "Nope."

"You a country boy through and through?"

He smirks and answers, "Yep." I turn the volume on the radio up and country music fills the car as we drive our first nine hours. We take a break in West Virginia and Ryan has to bribe me with breakfast to get me back in the car the next morning. I dreaded driving another nine hours and when we cross into Kentucky, I force Ryan to pull off for real food.

Once we were seated inside a pizza joint, Ryan grabs my hand and asks, "You anxious yet?"

"I don't allow myself to think about it because if I do, I'll start heaving into a paper bag," I tell him. I'm delighted when I'm able to order a sweet tea without any funny looks and after our waitress saunters off, I look back to Ryan and ask him the same question. He sighs before pulling his hand away and says, "You're my wife now. Anyone that knows me knows I love you more than anything. I just think I'm not ready for people to constantly wonder how you ended up with me and not Sebastian. I'm not ready to watch you constantly defend your actions."

"What Hollis thinks of me no longer bothers me," I tell him with a wave of my hand.

"That may be true, but you own a local gathering spot where you gossip with townsfolk," he says with a smirk. "Once you go into work, everyone is gonna be asking about London and Sebastian. And I know I haven't asked. I've been very much focused on us and the future, but now I realize I may want to hear it from you before it circles around back to me," Ryan says reluctantly. I look into his soft green eyes and wondered when Waterford was going to come up. After he proposed, we rushed to the courthouse and Sebastian was a thing of the past. We lived in New York without running into any friendly faces and even Gus and Annabeth still think I am in England. I ran away from all of it and just been hyper-focused on Ryan and me. I think that's why we've been so happy. There's been no pressure or judgment surrounding us. There isn't his job or the threat of breaking up looming over us. We've been able to just...be.

I sigh as reality creeps back in. Our bubble is bursting and we're no longer quarantined. 

"As soon as you left me in Paris, my heart was no longer in that relationship. I felt I owed it to him to try and make it work...he forgave me immediately for sleeping with you but..." I start but I know I am about to piss Ryan off. I know he's going to be disappointed in me.

"But..." Ryan urges me to continue and I slump back into my seat.

"When I arrived in London, I saw Rory at his place and found Bash-Sebastian- doing coke in his bathroom." I confess and Ryan shakes his head before asking, "You saw Rory?!"

"Yeah, he said you were making it hard for him to travel in the states," I mutter. "Anyway after our encounter, I exploded on Sebastian, and then after the dust settled, he forgave my transgressions and I forgave his."

"I warned you about your ability to forgive so easily," he mumbles with an eye roll. "So he was blindsided when you left for New York?" Ryan asks but I shake my head, "Not necessarily. He saw the note you had left me and realized he was my second choice. That and he really hadn't kicked his coke habit, his friends thought I was a floozy and his cousin was a nasty piece of work," I say as I remember my disdain for Willa. I sigh and then add "We realized I didn't belong there. We broke it off the night before I came to New York. It ended as amicably as I could have hoped for, I stayed through his parent's party because we didn't want the drama and that's when I got Austin's phone call." I watch as he stays in his head while gazing at the table and then he says, "If this thing goes to trial, they may subpoena everyone attached to Rory. I just want you to be aware that Hollis may become a very small town."

I nod, "I had to navigate through town to avoid you. Sebastian is from Maybridge. If anything, I'd see him around court and that's it." I look at him and sternly add, "I have no ill will towards him, you may be uncomfortable, but I can handle him."

"And you can handle what everyone is going to ask you about? You're not going to come back to me and worry that our relationship is only about sex and we have nothing in common?" Ryan asks with a smirk.

"I found out we do have something in common. We like to have sex with each other," I joke back but he only frowns. "Ryan I was so in my head when we broke up and everyone acted like I should have seen it coming because of your job and our lack of common interests. I'm so over justifying my love for you, you are my husband, I have no doubts. Not one," I tell him as seriously as I can. He eyes me so I add, "Ryan when I was with Sebastian, everyone understood that relationship. It made sense. But I was so insecure all the time and so in my head. I worried about how I dressed, what I said, and if he'd leave me on a whim. I was never confident in myself or our relationship. That put things in perspective. The perfect man in my mother's eyes was so not the perfect man for me. I no longer need her validation or Annabeth's or Gus's. I promise you, I will stand up for our marriage." I reach across the table and grab his hand. He probably doesn't want me to get back to Hollis and then start second-guessing our choices in New York. I think it would crush him if I said eloping was a mistake. I know I'd be devastated if he felt that way.

"Okay, I believe you darlin'. I think we both just have to prepare for your mother's wrath," he says right as the waitress comes back over to our table. Once the pizza is ordered, I finally ask the question that's been on my mind since we got back together.

"So, you asked about Sebastian...now I wanna ask about you," I tell him with an eyebrow raised. He shrugs, "About what?"

"Are there going to be any surprises from our time apart? Any Aurora Dalton's or Essie Davis's going to come pop back up?" I ask him, keeping the tone light. He immediately shakes his head, "Sawyer if I couldn't have you, why startup with anyone else? I dove straight into work. Women didn't even cross my mind until I saw you in Paris." My anxiety over that question vanishes and I assumed that was going to be his answer. I just didn't need any more surprises from his dating life.

"Okay then while we are on the subject, you know of my mistake with Jackson," I start and I immediately catch him clenching his jaw. "Am I going to have to sell my car when I get back? I know you were a bit bitter about it, but I'll have you know I helped pay for it."

Ryan eyes me but then says, "You're my wife now. There is zero competition between me and Jackson anymore."

"There never was a competition between y'all," I add. I'm surprised when he says, "Yes there was. I always thought if we broke up, you'd end up with Jackson. Can't say I was surprised when he dropped you off that morning." I feel my heart sink and he has no idea how much I regret the night of the USO party.

"Ryan, that should have never happened. I really wasn't handling our break up well and after seeing you that night I just..." I say quietly. He squeezes my hand and forces my gaze over to him, "I know baby, I know. It hurt at the time but I get it. We both didn't go about our breakup the best way. We can look at that as our dark period but not dwell on it."

"You promise you won't hold the last six months against me?" I ask and he instantly shakes his head, "You weren't mine. You didn't have to live up to any of my expectations. I can't be mad at shit." I exhale and feel better that we finally had this talk. I know going back to Hollis won't be easy so I can be glad that at least we are going in together, hand in hand ready to fight for each other.