Before I Let You Go || Seonghwa x reader✓

15

Chapter 15 - The ring

It's a quiet Saturday morning, only a few days after the dinner date, and Seonghwa calls me.

He's quite urgent about this, and he sounds almost desperate as he tries to get me to meet him at the park.

I don't want to see him today for some reason.

I feel tired and exhausted from trying to go through with the "deal."

But I reluctantly agreed since he seems eager to see me. Before, it would have melted my heart to know he wanted to see me so desperately. Now? I'm impartial to it

I throw on some simple clothing and kick on some Converse before heading out. I decide to walk since it's not that far away knowing it would do me good to get moderate exercise and fresh air. It's therapeutic.

When I round the corner, the first thing I notice is a black head of hair sitting down on a bench facing away from me. I take a moment to admire the man from afar.

His black hair that elegantly sweeps over the left side of his face is my most favorite thing about his outward vanity. He rocks everything he wears without fail. His stature is God-like. Hell, he might as well be one.

There's no denying how ethereal this man is.

It's quite weird how everything appears to be different now. The same man, yet different feelings arise every time I see him. And it's not positive feelings either. Well, there are some positive, of course. But I always remember...and that's the shitty part.

I sigh and make my way over to him. I appear by his side suddenly, making him jump in surprise. "Woah!"

"Hey."

He's quick to get on his feet. My eyes are pulled to his fingers; he's picking on them again. What's he so anxious about now?

"So why'd you want to meet so suddenly?" I ask.

He scratches the back of his neck nervously. "A-ah, you know. Just to hang out and stuff..."

A strange pit in my stomach forms as I begin to fit the puzzle pieces together.

He wants to hang out randomly.

He's nervous as a mofo.

And he's acting sketch.

Is he...?

"Let's take a little walk." He suggests. I agree with a small smile as he leads the way.

We walk for a little bit, sometimes talking, sometimes not. But for the most part, it was an actual, enjoyable date. If we did talk, it was about everything else but ourselves.

That subject almost seemed taboo in itself.

He realized this and guided our conversations accordingly.

"What do you want to do more?" Seonghwa was taking about things we haven't tried in life yet and all the things that's on his bucket list.

"Probably skydiving. Me and Wooyoung want to try it more than anyone we know." I reply, drifting my mind off into the dark abyss of thought, knowing about our limited chances to do things in the short time we live.

His feet make a small skid sound on the ground, signifying that he stopped his movements and is standing his ground. I look behind me to see this and give him a confused look. "Why'd you stop?"

He sticks his hands into his pockets and takes a visible gulp. He doesn't answer.

"Seonghwa?"

He lets out a shaky breath and closes his eyes. I sense that he's fighting with himself over something.

"Fuck it." He mumbles. With that, he marches up to me, leaving only two feet distance, pulls out a black velvet box, and opens it.

My eyes widen at the shiny object.

He's proposing...

"I fucked up. And I know I haven't made things completely better yet, but I'm trying." He looks into my eyes without hesitation. "I do love you, and I'm sorry for what I've done. Will you...marry me?"

My heart hammers wildly in my chest.

This is everything I want with him. He's said everything I have wanted him to say, he's acting the way I have wanted him to act. He's reassuring me all the time that he loves me dearly. And once again, I just don't feel nearly satisfied.

It's as if there will be nothing he can do to satisfy me.

Because there's a quiet thought in the back of my mind that reappears every time he does something sweet. Something like this...

He doesn't love me.

He feels guilty for what he has done.

He's trying so hard to make up for it that he's missing the main point here.

If I say yes to this proposal, I'm basically putting a bandaid over a gunshot wound that's been smothered in salt.

I frown as I realize this. This is just another excuse to make up for what he has done.

And as I look at him, my hesitation to answer makes him worried. He's waiting....

"I can't."

He drops both of his arms to his sides. "W-wha-"

"I'm not breaking up with you, if that's what you're thinking. But I'm also not saying yes either."

"Then why?" His voice is so soft I almost didn't hear it.

"Because I'm not ready. I haven't had time to think about everything and quite frankly, I think we need space. At least until I can make a concrete decision about...us." I tell him it straight out, coated in nothing but the nasty truth.

And it bites him, hard. I start to feel like shit once I see his eyes water up, tears on the verge of falling.

"O-okay." He chokes out and looks down at his feet, timidly tucking the ring back in his pocket.

Oh why did you do this to me?

Why did you make me feel like shit here?

I made this decision for the betterment of my mental health.

Because let's be real, Seonghwa.

You fell out of love a long time ago.