Love Is Not Enough | Chaelisa

Chapter 23

Feelings were a complicated, perplexing thing. It was as if I was caught in a riptide, trying to find my way out by figuring out what I wanted. Or rather, who I wanted. The currents were clashing together, not providing me with the chance to escape, like the millions of different thoughts and questions that were all crashing down on me at once. 

And just like a riptide, it was dangerous. Rough. But I was in deep. Falling further down with each new thought, new revelation, and there was no saving me. I was done for, drowning and gasping for air in hopes someone would help, and pull me out. But I had to figure this out on my own, no matter how hard it was. I had to find my way to the shore without a helping hand. Just then I would be able to fully understand.

I've learned my truth, the side of my story. I was finally able to see clearly the main plot of the narrative I was living in. But the details were still hazy, the most important part was still unknown to me. 

This time around, I could make out right and wrong. I could see the path, I was supposed to take, but it seemed to be blocked by a wall that I didn't know how to climb over. There were complications, I didn't know how to overcome. People standing in my way, the truth being withheld, and my own cowardness that kept nagging at me, that if I acted upon what I believed was right, I might drown. 

Being left by the person you cared about the most, was torture, there was nothing good about it. Guilt has been eating me up from the inside as I thought, maybe, I could've done things differently. That if I did, the outcome could've changed to a better one, a happier one. But there was nothing I could do to change the past, I could only change the future. 

One thing was good about all this though. I got time to think, to properly indulge myself in the thoughts, I refused to acknowledge. And thanks to that, I was finally sure about one thing, about one person, and about what I wanted. 

Jennie and Jungkook, that I didn't think I would talk to ever again after what I've witnessed, have both helped me immensely in realizing the depth of my feelings for the older girl. There were still things I didn't fully comprehend, but time would take care of that, I knew it would.

Before Jungkook left, after telling me about the place people's souls come to, I asked him what I was to do. Unfortunately, he wasn't of much help and said that that was one of the things I had to figure out on my own. If I wanted her back, I had to make the effort and think about what would work the best, so she would listen to what I had to say.

The thing was though, I didn't even know what I wanted to say. There were poems I wrote in my head of all the things I wanted her to know, but when it came down to actually voicing any of them, I became mute. No matter how many thoughts and words were circling my mind, wanting to roll off my tongue, I couldn't get a single syllable out.

I was hoping once I'd get to see her that would change. That once I'd get to look into those big doe eyes, I would know the right words to say in the correct order. That I wouldn't mess up again. But I was worried she wouldn't hear me out, that she hated me and didn't want to see me. I couldn't make her want to see me, not in one way or another. It was entirely up to her, her choice to make. I could only hope that she would listen and be patient with me. If not for me, then for her own good.

So without a second thought, the moment Jungkook left, I ran into the bathroom and took a much-needed shower, so I wouldn't look like I haven't left my bed for a week straight. Which I essentially did. 

Seeing as it was already dark outside, I grabbed my glasses from the shelve they were placed on and changed into a pair of jeans and a shirt. As soon as I looked presentable, I grabbed my black coat from the closet, and my new phone, that I've been given by Jungkook, from the bedside table, and practically ran towards the direction of the door.