Reality in Motion

permanently lost

The stages of grief, Steve had discovered, were bullshit. There was no right or wrong way to process the grief that came along with losing someone - hell there was no right or wrong way to process losing Peggy. He hadn't been angry like he had when he lost Q. Or guilty like when he lost Bucky.

Surprise, shock, was the first thing that came after the sudden sadness. Peggy's death surprised him. Even though he knew it was a natural part of life, he had been having trouble wrapping his head around the fact that she was gone. Really gone. Never to return again unless in his dreams.

Death happened to everyone eventually. Hell, even he had died before. So had Bucky. Peggy, though, had always been a sort of immortal being. She had been with him in the beginning, way back before he had gone plummeting into the Arctic. There when he died the first time, then somehow still there when he rose again. She had always been there. Until she wasn't.

Throughout his time as Captain America, and even before that, Steve had lost many people to death. First his father, then his mother, then soldiers and friends. All loss was different, in the worst way possible. Losing Peggy was nothing like losing his father; there was a sense of freedom that came from that. Losing Peggy was nothing like losing his father; there was an ache in his heart that never truly went away, burning whenever he wanted to talk to her about something or saw something that reminded him of her. Losing Peggy wasn't like losing a soldier; that was a casualty of war that had a specific way of grieving in place.

He had lost Peggy once before, when he went into the ice. Had thought he lost her again when he woke up to find that she had moved on without him. Then truly, permanently lost her in a way that no one but Bucky had returned from. And he highly doubted the same thing that happened to Bucky would happen to Peggy. The loss was insurmountable, piling onto the previous feelings of loss and crushing him slowly.

The three days following the news of Peggy's death had been a whirlwind of chaos, but he felt like he had stayed still. Like he was standing in the eye of a hurricane. Q, thankfully, handled all the arrangements for the funeral. He, Sam and she would be going to London for the funeral instead of Vienna for the signing of the Accords.

The Accords were the least important thing to him. He had made up his mind. Only wishing he had gotten a few more days to help everyone else see the negatives of the documents. As much as Ross preached that the United Nations wouldn't be controlling the team, just advising them, Steve was unconvinced. He hated working for SHIELD because he felt as long he was compromising all the time for the 'greater good' which in reality was the greater good for SHIELD. The only reason he stayed was because of Peggy, and since she was no longer living or had any impact on the United Nations, he didn't feel beholden to be another government's lap dog. He had to do what was right, even if everyone was telling him it was wrong. Stand up for the little guy, against the bully. Something that was instilled in him at a very young age, and a trait that wouldn't ever go away. So he wouldn't sign them.

The funeral would overlap with the signing of the Accords just enough where if he wanted to, he could use it as an excuse. Not that he ever planned on going in the first place, but that was beside the point. He was going to take the time to say goodbye to his friend, his first love, one of the few women who changed his life.

The last time Steve had been in London was with Peggy and the rest of the SSR during the war. Most of the time he had spent either underground, planning the next Hydra raid with the Howling Commandos, or getting a drink at one of the pubs with Bucky and their fellow brothers in arms. There had been no real exploring, though Peggy had offered a couple of times to show him around whenever they had a free moment. An offer that was meant for tomorrow, even though tomorrow only came seventy odd years too late.