Reality in Motion

not according to plan

The double doors slid open as she practically ran into the bustling hospital. In the midst of her panic, she was able to flash her ID at the STRIKE guys so that they would let her through. Not that it mattered; she'd push her way past them if she had to. Anything so she could get to where she needed to be faster.

The hospital was chaotic: people - all of them SHIELD: doctors, agents, and anyone in between, running around as they tried to take care of different things all at the same time. She spotted Dawson and Maria Hill talking closely, in hushed tones. He looked agitated: one hand on his hip, other gesturing to her almost aggressively, feet squared and expression both worried and grave. Maria had both hands on her hips, looking serious and trying to get a word in, but he kept cutting her off. Q didn't pay attention to them. She had a one track mind, all that mattered was finding Cap. His call worried her, especially considering what he said.

After the utter disaster that happened outside the Thai restaurant, she had retreated home to try and make sense of it all. She knew she had fucked up. Admitting her feelings for him was certainly supposed to happen, but it wasn't supposed to happen that soon. And when the time came, she went in the complete opposite direction. Acting on instinct. Saying the first thing that came to mind. Fucking everything up.

For so long, she had leaned on her graphs and charts to help her make decisions about The Big Stuff. It was safer when she did; then she knew one of her plans would work. Calculated risks. Thanks to her graphs and charts, she knew all the different results that could happen.

Yet, she hadn't prepared for that outcome. Her reliance on both her graphs and her knowledge of Cap's behavior had failed her. Her graphs and charts were useless now. Her pro and con list didn't mean a thing. She hadn't planned for if he admitted his feelings for her first because she just didn't think that it could ever happen. Why would it? A large part of her was unsure that he even liked her like that, so she never even considered it.

But then he said all those things. Like how she made him happy. She did that. Q didn't even know she made anyone happy - sometimes she didn't even make herself happy. Then he continued by dropping that bomb on her: that he had feelings for her. And she reacted....terribly. All she needed to do was tell him that she felt the same; she did, but instead she had said the worst thing possible - insisted on it, in fact.

Then, all she felt was embarrassment. And self-hatred. Why couldn't she had just said that she felt the same? Clearly it was obvious, if he was able to call her out on it. It just...caught her off guard and she reacted poorly. God, she was so stupid. She always did this. Had a good thing in right in front of her, right in reach, and then did whatever it took to make sure she could never have it.

She hated herself. Why did she have to be so reliant on her graphs and charts? Why couldn't she just be normal and take a leap of faith without worrying about the aftereffects? She used to do it all the time. Granted, that was what landed her in jail, but she used to be less anal about these sorts of things. Going with her gut rather than whatever the data points told her to do.

And that wasn't even the worst part. The worst part was that he seemed so disappointed in her for lying to him. She knew how to deal with her own self-hatred, but his disappointment was a new thing she was still struggling with. She wasn't sure if he had ever been this disappointed in her before. She wasn't expecting him to be, but it was clear from the way he left things that he was. She was ready for anger or yelling - something that other guys had done whenever they tried to advance past the casual sleeping together stage and into the relationship stage. When he had pointed out where her excuse had holes and saw through her defense, he didn't turn it into an anger filled argument - instead just leaving her to drown in her own mistakes until she learned how to swim back to shore and admit she had lied. Which both of them knew she had.