Under the Moonlight

Push, Pull

"Don't ever come back Krishantall, don't let me see you ever again, not even your shadows," I smirked at what she said, just enough for her to be annoyed.

"Foul. Couldn't you wait for a bit? I'm already at the door," I smiled sweetly, not minding the clog in my throat.

The pain was now slowly creeping in my heart and my throat was now hurting for keeping it in but, I can still hold it in. It has been my profession for years. Another fall wouldn't break a broken individual for a little more right?

I watched that person's hand, as it slowly curled into a fist.

I smirked again. I won't leave without a bit of satisfaction you know? At least I'll leave someone at fault a bit scarred. That thought would already compensate my dying state.

I turned my back at her, still wearing the smirk on my lips. I feel like laughing at the situation. I feel so stupid for this funny situation. I feel so stupid for doing that same sick cycle all over again. I feel stupid for still trying even though I knew it will only result in vain. I feel so stupid for dying trying.

"Now, you can enjoy your life.." I whispered as I walked away. I don't care if she heard it or not, the important thing is, I said what I wanted to say.

I inhaled and exhaled a lot of air when I exited the place. The feeling of freedom is overwhelming but it didn't cease the pain. It was still somewhere in my body, throbbing and calling for an impossible medication.

I looked at my luggage behind me, trying to ignore painful thoughts rushing in my stupid brain. Trying to put my exploding feelings aside. Trying not to feel when in fact, it was really killing me big time.

"Conceal. Don't feel. Krishantall." I mumbled those stupid lyrics, trying to convince myself all over again that things would be, once again, be all right.

"Frozen?" I heard a chuckle beside me but I didn't look at the source.

I hate it when she came in on the right time. I hate it that when I needed to be salvaged, she acts as my salvation. But I much hated the fact that she, once upon a time, left me in my most wrecked moment. And I most hated the fact that, that one disappointment of my lifetime made me hate her.

"Put on a show. Act like you didn't saw me once again," I mumbled as I turned my back at her.

It's just that it was different now. I kind of don't need the salvation anymore. They suck big time for now. Because salvation means involving another individual. Salvation means depending unto someone again. Salvation means another heartache when they choose to leave again. And I didn't need that now. I only want to be alone, where no one would be involved but me.

But before I could even walk away from her, what she said stopped me from doing more.

"One wrong move Shan, and everyone will know.." For a second, I stiffened. But then, I realize.. there's nothing to hide anymore. I've no one. And nothing.

I looked back at her, smirking. Wow, I feel like I've used my smirk-o-meter for the day, if there is even one.

"Can't tame me using that. I'm done. What is it that you want?" I asked soullessly.

Her expression went soft. Her face revealed so much emotion that I can't even name one. They're just so many. They kind of confused me as I continued on watching her.

"Come back now Shan. Please don't drift away any farther.." Her words are even soft that it felt like it was a feather brushing against my skin. It felt so gentle. I didn't even knew I'm still allowed to feel that after years. And to feel that, feels like I committed a sin.

I shivered mentally as my mouth parted for words. Yet, nothing came so I just pressed them together again. For a moment there, I felt myself waver. It was good to hear but reality was much more real than that. Everything will never be the same again, it changes when we make decisions. It changed when I made mine.

For the first time in years, I smiled genuinely, even for just a short second, at her.

"That was.. good, but I can't. The world was already moving and that got left behind. The peace was in the past, everything was chaotic in the present, I can't tell anything in the future. Basically, things are different now."

Was the things I'm saying made sense? It just seems like nothing made sense anymore. Even the world seemed like doesn't made sense now and the ones living it didn't made it even better.

I looked at this person in front of me, more like scrutinizing her, assessing. She looked so helpless now, and hopeless. I cleared one thing to her and that must have made her hopeless.

"Thank you but I won't be back, I can't." I turned my back at her again, dragging my luggage half-heartedly.

The luggage feels like my heart. It's so heavy that I think I can't breath. I exhaled harshly before telling myself to stand my ground. I can't waver. I need to ignore my failing decision. I need to ignore my screaming heart. I need to ignore my chaotic mind. I need to ignore these fidgets.

A sudden thought barged in my head and that made me smile painfully. The world is like a door with a 'push-pull' sign. Some people need to push doors to see something better after, same with pulling.

The first she pushed me and that was normal for people to do so, the only thing that is a highlight in me is that I never want to pull if I'm being pushed away already. I just have this mechanism to not let anyone trample over me, I will stand face to face with them. I hate letting them have a complete power over me. To let them have an effect on me emotionally is enough, I, at least act like I don't care on the outside.

While the second she I encountered wants to pull me towards her because she thought it was for the better of me. But.. I'm done with those people who only looks out for me and does it hard that it ended of them controlling me. It ended on me not having my freedom at all.

And with that in mind, I walked away even though I'm at the verge of dying. I walked and walked and walked until it felt endless. Endless and tiring. But for some reason, I can't stop walking. I can't stop my tortuous journey. And it felt so endless. And tiring..

My eyes fluttered to life slowly. Realizing that everything was just only a dream. I sigh before shifting to another position.

I really need a whole lot bunch of sleep.

Almost all of my vacation time was spent on sleeping and yet, I never had a peaceful one. I feel haunted even in my dreams. I feel restless. My worries never left me even in my dreams.

"Stupid dreams, stupid sleep," I grunted as I shifted positions again.

"But I really think I need a sleep this time. Seriously.."