Under the Moonlight

How to be good enough?

I walked away from that damned house because that's what I'm good at. Walking away..

I hate facing problems, specially if it's too much for my emotional state to take. I am defenseless because that's my weakness. I can't handle a fight with that, I'll never will. I'll just end up crumbling inside trying to put a fight on the outside.

And I hate my mother for not knowing that. I hate her for hurting me without her knowing. I hate her for insulting me like I am not worthy of this life.

"I said, turn that damn TV off so that you'll start working!" I played deaf because that's the only thing they know I'm good at. But in my case, I play deaf to protect my still living heart, the crumbling and hurting organ shit that pumps blood to keep me living this fucking life.

Seriously, ba't nasa naghihingalo stage pa siya? 'Di ba pwedeng huminto na lang talaga siya sa pagpiga ng dugo para wala ng problema? Damn it! I never knew I could still feel being insulted after everything. But above all, I still can't believe that I can still feel pain.

I dropped the remote control on the table and darted to the kitchen without turning the television off. What does she think of me? A robot? A thing that can't function without the television? How lowly I am to her. I feel disgusted of that image of myself. I feel damn disgusted of my damned self.

I prepared my lunch with my fading rationality and logic. My damn brain is so messed up that I don't care anymore. I feel so lowly and so much more disgusted with me. I FEEL LIKE A TRASH! And I feel enraged with that, that I almost feed our whole lunch to our cat because I don't care anymore. I don't care what the actual fuck will she do to me if she finds out that there's no food for her to eat anymore. I just don't care.

Because hell! She's treating me as a what! And not a who! At bakit 'di ko na lang ipakitang ganun nga ako since ang dumi-dumi na rin naman ng pagkatao ko sa paningin niya. There's no use acting like a saint anymore if you're being treated like a devil.

I breathed a bunch of air out pushing those thoughts aside. I'm just a responsibility, what can I do about that?

I looked up to prevent my damned tears from falling out. These fucking eyes are crying again. It's just that this time, it's not because of friends and for being a fangirl but because of my family.

"Wow. I'm so really done with my life."