Under the Moonlight

RandomThoughts100

I groaned when I heard the soft sound of my 4:00 AM alarm. I wanted to ignore it but I know that it's sound will just get unbearable to anyone's ear as seconds pass by. Just then, I heard a knock on my door.

"Hailey, baka nakalimutan mong may pasok ngayon?" pakinig kong sabi ng boses ni Mama sa labas.

Sabado na Sabado pero may klase? Nakakainis naman 'to, nakakasakal.

Pasuray-suray akong bumangon at naglakad na palabas ng kuwarto ko. Wala na si Mama sa labas kaya't alam kong bumalik na siya sa pagkakatulog niya. Diretso akong kusina para magsaing na ng bigas. Ang nakakainis pa talaga ay parang tulog pa 'yong diwa ko at kumikilos lang ako sa naaayon na dapat kong gawin pero wala naman sa utak ko. Nakakasakal rin 'to eh. Sakalin ko na rin kaya ang sarili ko para matapos na lahat ng 'to?

Nahh. I can get suicidal at times but I still have some love for my life. Nagsaing akong lutang, naligo ng lutang, nagbihis ng lutang, at kumain rin ng lutang. Wala talaga ako sa isip. If only there's no make up classes for this month, I would have just laid in bed and sleep like dead for who cares who.

Pero wala eh. May make up class kami every Saturday this month of October and it's so annoying, lalo na at ang dami naming requirements for this grading, busy! And the make up classes I'm saying are not about how you put powders and colors on your face, but are the usual boring classes where you get to sit in some chair and wait until you die of boredom. Yeah, that kind of classes.

Minsan nga, hiniling ko na lang talaga sa hangin na mamatay na lang ako 'tas everyone should know that I suffered and that my cause of death was: STUDYING. Para talagang mamulat sa katotohanan ang sangkatauhan na ang pressure sa 'ming mga estudyante habang nag-aaral ay hindi ganun kadali gaya ng mga inaakala ng iba. At wala akong pakialam kung ako ang kauna-unahang mamamatay nang dahil dito, I would really be proud for myself instead.

My father drove me to my school for 40 minutes and it's more enjoyable than the classes I'm saying about. Partly because I love nature and I'm from a Barangay that's not yet polluted with infrastructures. And partly because I'm an introvert and I hate crowds and noise. They drive me crazy.

I arrived at school around 6:53 AM and my class will start at 7:30 AM so I silently scribbled my assignment which I slept on last night. Partly because I thought I lost my ballpen and I have no instrument to use for writing. And partly, I was really sleepy and I don't care to what assignment I missed to answer.

Sakto rin namang natapos ako sa assignment ko nang dumating ang teacher namin sa Math, which is the first subject. And I'll tell you a not-so-secret secret, if you have Math as the first subject, you'll surely lose all the energy to participate any graded participation through the day's subjects, it wores you off easily. But lucky for me, I enjoyed this year's Math lessons, so not worry a bit.

Next subject is History, which usually bores anyone to death. But I do right a bit and I just got the hang of it as time passes by. Besides, I sometimes find some of its lessons valuable and interesting.

"Hail, snack na tayo." tawag sa 'kin ni Miles. Tumango ako sa kaniya at nakisabay na dito.

She's my most trusted friend this year. Partly because she's the only one who's capable of hanging around me even though I would just silently listen to her, being bubbly about things about her other friends, and I have this bad attitude. Partly because I have no other friends anymore and she's better than those best b*tches who'll just stab your back after a time.

She started blabbering again and mostly, I love how she tell me all those childish things she did with her other friends. It reminded me of those moments where I get to only worry about how to escape my Mother from getting me to sleep just to play with those childhood friend of yours that'll be only your enemy after. It reminded me of how young, wild and free I was those days. It reminded me how to live the simple thoughts of a child, the simple happiness yet true. How I miss those days...

We are already in the canteen and I can't help but feel inferior being around these people who look so confident of what they do at the moment. They knew what they really want the moment they step on the canteen, while I, can't even decide what I want everytime I do. Since I was born, I have this talent of not knowing how to decide which of which for myself whenever I buy something. And that is so annoying.

Once I let my godfather, who's some sort of a fortune-teller, made a premonition about my future, he said that I will have two boyfriends before two gentlemen will propose marriage for me. My only problem would be who will I choose from the two of them.

See? Even in the future, deciding is the very antagonist of my life. And that is what I fear the most, deciding. Besides, deciding for my lifetime partner would be the hardest thing I'll do for my life.

But wait, why am I even thinking about the future? I live in the present but my mind is on the future. People tend to be like that which I totally hate. Why would you let the future take away your present's happiness?

I mean, worrying for the future is something you can't avoid. Because you're living the present to prepare a future. But most of the people are so caged of the idea of future that they tend to forget their present, that they're still living in the present day. And I'm not of any different from them.

Napabuntong hininga ako nang papaakyat na kami ni Miles pabalik sa room namin. I don't really want to go back yet. School is giving me poison to death and the longer I stay, the toxic it becomes, enough to kill me without hassle. Napailing ako sa sarili ko. I can't believe how much I change my perspectives in terms of studying and education. Just take notice of the things in the next 2 paragraphs:

Probably smart enough to have a rank. Worries a lot about school. Make assignments right away. As much as possible, pass your projects immediately or before the deadline. Always be concious about your grades, if you think you are already behind your should-be-grades, then make amends right away. Whenever you have time, burn your brows.

Probably exhausted enough to have a rank. Also worries a lot about school but who cares. Who cares about assignments if there's an early tomorrow. Who cares about projects anyway, as long as your on the deadline, you're not late. Grades, they do not define who I am, as long as I pass I don't care. Whenever I want to, I can burn my brows.

See the differences? If I have live my life the way I had lived it once, then I would have kick my ass in the future. How could I be like this? But then, why should I judge myself for doing that? I also had my own reasons...

Natapos ang lahat ng klase ko sa araw na puro pagkukumbinsi lang sa sarili kong dapat magfocus ako sa lahat ng lessons ang ginawa ko. I've been lost in thoughts these past few days. Everything seems wrong in every angle. I'm afraid that I'll also make mistakes.

But yeah, why should I even care? I mean, whatever!

I got home late because my father got to have a drink with my Tito, but that's fine with me. Partly because I have some important request for him. Partly because he's more sober in a druken state than in a sober one.

I got a peaceful night that day. Masaya akong kumakain ng mag-isa sa hapag-kainan namin nang binalita sa TV Patrol ang mga taong gustong magpatayan na lang nang dahil sa pag-aagawan nila ng posisyon sa gobyerno this coming election. Napapailing na lang tuloy ako habang pinagpapatuloy ang paglamon ko.

To be frank, humanity doesn't need any Zombie Apocalypse, Alien Invasion and whatsoever anymore to get extinct. Nagpapatayan na rin naman sila, bakit kailangan pang may um-extra?

Minsan, naiisip ko na lang talaga kung hindi ba ako isang tao. Sobrang taliwas kasi ng mga paniniwala at mga prinsipyo ko mula sa karamihan. Gusto ko na lang tuloy libutin ang mundo at maghanap kung mayroon ba kayang mga taong katulad kong mag-isip.

Hays. Bakit ko nga ba ini-stress ang sarili ko sa mga ganitong bagay? Problema na 'yon ng mga tao kung gusto nilang magpatayan, problema na nila kung paano nila lulusutan ang mga problema nilang 'yon. Sabi nga kasi ng karamihan, the world is all about survival for the fittest. They made their selves so into their beliefs of survival chuchu, then they should know how to get out of it.

Pinoproblema ko pa kung paano magkaroon ng matataas na marka sa Math. Pinoproblema ko pa kung paano bumalik sa pagiging isang good girl. Pinoproblema ko pa kung paano magcope up at mag-adjust sa paligid. Pinoproblema ko pa kung paano maging open sa parents ko. At marami pang problemang hindi ko pa nahahanapan ng solusyon. I've already had so much on my plate, so why should I bother. Kung ni mismong ang mga tao ngang involve sa mga pinoproblema kong 'yon ay wala ring mga pakialam...

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A/N: Hey! Care to share your thoughts below? Please, pretty please..