what does it feel like to die? is it better than what i am feeling right now?
the human being is shaped by emotions and feelings. everything you do is based on how and what you feel.
someone who is crying out for attention. who is willing to do anything to get just the tiniest bit of attention. even if it's just for one second. even if it's expressed in a negative type of way. don't you think they are doing it, because maybe they felt the lack of attention from back then? it doesn't matter when it was. feeling this way, they're trying to get back what they missed. they are trying to get back time. but time isn't going to come back. and it's not going to wait.
do you think someone who over-loves, and then ruins everything because they were always loved? i have realized this the hard way.
i am not the type to say i feel sorry for myself. i am honest, i need to.
the "love" my parents gave me back then didn't last long. maybe it's culture, maybe it's the way they were raised. whatever it is, they had a way of showing which part of the family they loved more, and who just did not deserve all the attention. cruel? i cannot even make them responsible for what they did. how could they have known that everything they did was wrong? so wrong, who would've told them? how could they have known?
whatever happened, did in fact happen and there is no way me or anyone else in the entire universe can reverse it or turn back time.
i realize that when i bond to someone, regardless of whether it's romantic or platonic, and everything seems to be just perfect, i sabotage myself.
it's nothing i intentionally do. it's nothing that i have real control over. it just happens. i am in my own way of finding happiness and being content with who i am or what i have.
i look for reasons to start a fight. i look for anything that just gives me the slightest justification of what i'm about to do or say. in my eyes. who tells me i'm wrong? i could, but i don't.
friendliness, love — just when everything works out, it feels wrong to me. i feel uncomfortable. i look for a way to make it more familiar to me. and the only thing i've ever known is rejection and coldness. and love and attention that i have to crater to to get it. nothing ever was granted to me. and if it is, i will throw it away.
can you blame me? it's how i was raised and had to deal with since i was little.
just tell me, how do i stop? because i don't know and i'm tired of my own ways.
