how do you explain how you feel inside when you don't fucking know what's going in yourself?
do you feel sadness? are you angry? maybe with something, someone? do you feel frustration?
the answer is: i don't know. my therapist asks how i feel and what i feel. he asks what goes through my mind. and every time i tell him, "i'm sorry, i just don't know."
the truth is, i do not know what i feel. i just know what it looks like. it looks like the worst friend ever. it looks like all the energy you put into something and then watch it crumble. it looks like your favorite teddy bear you lost when you were 4, and never found it again. it looks like turning your back on everyone you love and trust. it looks like disappointment. it looks like everything and nothing at all.
whatever it is, there is a lot of it. there is just no word to describe it. no one has invented it yet. people like to describe is as feeling "sad for no reason". or "feeling desperation all the time."
do you know what it feels like for me? it feels like this constant weight on your shoulders. it's heavy. it's trying to pull you down.
it feels like this gentle layer over your reality that's gray and nothing but gray.
it feels like everything and nothing.
