Seeing You

Tenfold

He lay in the bed, his features sunken and his skin grey. His breathing was a shallow whisper of a thing. I sat on the chair next to his bed and held his hand gently.

"Dad?"

His eyes were closed, he hadn't opened them in days. I reached out and brushed the hair back from his forehead, smoothing it down at the side.

I knew it had been coming. I had seen it in his face when I told him that Nan has passed away. The little flicker of light and recognition that he'd held onto tightly went out and he had deteriorated since. He'd stopped eating, barely drinking or talking and then one day, he just refused to get out of bed or open his eyes. The doctors assured me that this wasn't unusual with people with Dad's condition, it's as if their brains have just had enough fighting and are so tired that they power down.

That's what he's doing, he's powering down.

My phone buzzed and I glanced at the message on the screen. It was Gabe.

Are you ok?

I tried to type out a reply but something stopped me. My heart was too broken, my head too tired and my soul too lost to deal with any more potential sadness or emotion. It had been over two weeks since I had stayed at his family's house and I had left after he'd fallen back asleep. When I'd arrived back at the cottage, Mac had been sitting at the doorstep waiting for me. We had fought again. He couldn't understand that I didn't want to be with him . His words, fuelled by anger and lack of understanding, made me realise that Mac wasn't the friend or boyfriend that I had initially been with. Something had changed in him and, as I watched him kick the gate off the hinges, I realised that I was a little bit frightened of him. 

He'd left, swearing profusely at me and I had let myself into the cold cottage, sinking down onto the floor and sobbing into my hands. The horrible whispering thoughts had returned tenfold and I found the only way to ignore them was to sleep. Unfortunately, apart from that night with Gabe, my nightmares had been worse than ever and I was barely surviving on two hours a night. 

I slipped my phone back into my pocket and reached over, squeezing Dad's frail hand gently. The skin was like tissue paper and I could see the thin blue veins beneath the surface. I dropped a kiss onto it and stood up, shouldering my bag. I left the room, smiling softly at the nurses and left the hospital. I climbed into my car and rested my forehead on the steering wheel. My eyes itched with fatigue. 

I started the car and headed for John and Nan's cottage. He had stayed with his daughter and I had to look after the garden. I had promised. 

As I made my way through the village, I noticed the signs for the Harvest Festival the following week. I paused, shocked, that so much had changed since I had first seen that leaflet in the coffee shop. Nan, Mac, Gabe..

My heart ached, in a way that I didn't think was possible. I missed him. I was pushing him away again and again but not having him close to me was making me feel unmoored from everything. He helped me keep the thoughts away, the unending sadness and the feeling of bitter disappointment that I had of myself. 

I parked in front of the garage slightly down from the cottage and walked up. The autumnal sun beat down on my shoulders through my dark green vest top. The branches whipped across my bare shins and I mentally cursed myself for wearing shorts and my chucks. I rounded the corner to the cottage and stopped at the sight of another car parked up alongside.

I frowned, John wasn't home. I'd spoken to him earlier in the day. I touched the car bonnet with my fingertips, it was familiar.  I heard cursing from Nan's garden and my anger flared up. Who was in her garden? I hadn't been there in weeks, I couldn't bring myself to go there and see all her herbs and it made me feel so unbearably sad that I was letting her down. I walked briskly through the gates and saw a dark figure bent over amongst the weeds. 

"Hey!" I shouted, full of anger.

The figure straightened up and turned towards me. I blinked, angry at myself that I hadn't realised who it was when I'd seen the car. 

Piles of weeds were tossed onto one side, allowing the plants much needed space and soil to grow. There was a couple of gardening tools lying on the ground. Mud covered his boots and the knees of his jeans. His hair leapt off the top of his head and there was mud smeared across his cheeks. Of course it was him. I smiled in spite of myself and the constant worrying thoughts that were whirling in my head.

Bloody Gabe. 

"Petra!"

"Gabe, what the..what the hell are you doing?" I choked out. I was torn between anger at him for touching Nan's garden and wanting to fling myself at him, burrowing into his chest and not letting go. 

"I'm gardening, I had been helping your Nan before she.."

My jaw slackened as I stared at him in disbelief.

Gabe fidgeted under my gaze and looked around him, gesticulating at the work in progress. 

"I.. I 'd been up a few times since she passed away and wanted to start working on it but I didn't want to in case you wanted to do it. I just.. I hadn't heard from you and I wanted to do something  to clear my head. This helped when I was here with Nan, I didn't have to think about.. well anything. She would tell me stories about her family that grew up on the Islands. She'd tell me stories about you and it would help me miss you a bit less."

He blushed as he trailed off. 

We stood staring at each other. I didn't know how long, it felt like time was moving fast and slow at the same time. I watched his eyes roam over my face, my shoulders, arms, chest and I felt a flush of heat run through my body. 

"Petra. Are you mad?" he whispered. 

I took in his dishevelled appearance and the mud on his face. I wondered how I looked to him. He thought I was mad? At him? Laughter bubbled up in my chest and I tipped my head back and laughed. Gabe's eyebrows rose up in shock. I closed the distance between us and wrapped my arms around his neck, threading my hands up into his hair. His breath fanned across my face. His hands landed on my hips and I could feel them tremble as they touched a sliver of my skin. 

I gently tugged his head down towards mine and gently grazed his lips against mine. 

"I'm not mad at you, Gabe. I missed you. I can't stop thinking about you but I feel so completely confused all the time that I can't think anymore. I can't keep analysing and worrying about all the bad things that have happened, that will happen. I just want to have this moment. I need to have this moment."

Gabe frowned at my words, opened his mouth to talk but I placed my lips over his. 

"Gabe, I think I love you," I whispered against his lips. 

He inhaled sharply then crashed his lips against mine.

"What the FUCK!"

I froze at the tone and pushed away from Gabe to see Mac watching us both, his hands clenched into fists. His gaze narrowed down onto Gabe and a blaze of heat flared in his eyes. 

Shit.