Seeing You

Nan

When I was 10, Sadie told me that my Mum had died because she had seen me and couldn't bear the fact she'd had such a fat, ugly baby. Mac was away on holiday, Quinn was home sick and I had been alone in the classroom packing my bag when she had strode in, sat at the desk next to mine and whispered it into my ear. She'd smiled, patted my back and walked out. 

I had run home, slipping in the mud and leaves until I burst through the door, into the living room and had thrown myself face first onto the sofa. I'd been crying quietly, absolutely hating  myself, when I heard Nan singing quietly in Gaelic in the kitchen. She had walked in, thrown a log on the fire and perched next to me.

"Petey-doll, are you ok?" She said, stroking my hair gently. 

"Did Mum die because of me?" I managed to force out between sobs.

Nan's hand never stopped moving, "Of course not, your Mum wasn't well. The doctors did everything they could to keep her with us but she was just too ill."

"It wasn't because I'm so fat and ugly?" I said, raising my head to look at her.

Nan frowned, "Now you listen to me, Petra Angus. The moment I laid eyes on you, well, my heart stopped. You had these lovely rosy cheeks, huge blue eyes and instead of crying like the other babies, you were looking around. You reminded me of my mother. She was the fiercest, strongest lady on the Isles and one of the bravest. My mother was one of the only fisherwoman, the rest of the men wouldn't allow women on their boats. So, my mother bought her own boat and caught the best fish and sold it at the best price. She was beautiful, my father loved her very much and so did the rest of her village. I looked at you and saw her, her stubbornness, her bravery and her tenacity."

She tweaked my nose gently, "Ugly is something that people call others when they don't understand them. It's their way of trying to figure out something that can't be defined. You can let other people shoehorn you into a label so you can attempt to fit into their life or you can continue to be the brilliant Petey-doll that I know."

I sniffed and wiped my eyes, " I miss her, Nan."

Nan nodded,"I miss her too but I know she would be so proud of you. Just like your Dad and I are everyday. Wipe your eyes, Petey-doll. The people that say these things aren't worth your tears. You are better than them."

She pulled me into a warm hug, smelling of lavender and cinnamon. She rocked me back and forth and sang the songs that had been handed down through the generations and I felt strong and brave. 

As long as I had Nan. 

                                                                                            ***

I ran along the hospital corridor and burst through the doors, John was sitting on a plastic chair outside a room with his head in his hands.

"John!" I gasped. "Where..Where's Nan?"

John lifted his head to look at me, he tried to stand but he didn't seem to have the strength. I hunkered down next to him and took his hands in mine.

"John, where's Nan?"

The door to the room opened and a doctor and nurse walked out. They saw me next to John and stopped.

"Are you Pete?" The doctor asked quietly. 

I straightened, "Yes, that's me. Is Nan in there? Can I see her?"

I moved to the door and the doctor gently placed her hand on my shoulder.

"I think it might be best if we have a talk first, we won't be long, just a couple of minutes so that I can update you," She said.

I reached out and touched John's shoulder, "I'll be right back, John. Go and be with Nan. Don't leave her alone."