Seeing You

Finally

I watched him as he stared blankly at the newspaper that was spread out on the table. He raised one trembling hand as if to point something out to me, stopped and rested his hand back on lap. I bit my lip, this was excruciating. 

It was Christmas Eve, my face had healed up enough that I felt comfortable going to visit him but now that I was here, I realised that it wouldn't have mattered what I looked like. Something had changed. My Dad had been a giant, well over 6 foot and had a chest like a barrel from all his work on the farms. He had thick auburn hair that looked like a fire in the sun, big blue eyes and a smile that had dragged me back from an emotional precipice time and time again. This man in front of me, this man was not my Dad. My chest tightened uncomfortably and I could feel tears form. I blinked them away rapidly. 

Nan was talking to the nurse in the corner by the television. I looked around the living room; it was warm, there was paintings on the walls and a wall lined with books. Dad had his own room here, Nan had filled it with all his things and pictures of us. I don't know if Dad had done it or one of the staff but on his bedside table was a picture of me and him, he was pushing me on the swing and I was laughing at him. 

I reached out and touched his shoulder gently, he flinched.

"Dad, is there anything I can get you?" I asked quietly. 

He lifted his gaze to meet mine, his eyelids heavy. I could see him struggle to focus. 

"David, my love. I need to take Petey home, it's getting dark out and tomorrow is Christmas Day," Nan appeared beside me.

I stood up and stared at him then reached down and wrapped him into a hug. He didn't lift his hands, he stayed still and I felt a small fleck of my heart detached and disappear in pain. 

"Merry Christmas Dad, I'll see you soon."

Nan gathered my Dad into a hug, kissed him then we left. I heard the door close securely and a lock turn. John was waiting outside in the car for us, he had been reading a book that he tucked away into the side of the car door before starting the engine and making our way back home. The closest place that they had for Dad had been over three hours away. I looked out the window as the flurry of snow flew past us. Nan and John were talking in the front seats. 

My phone buzzed- it was Gabe.

Everything ok?

Fine. We will be home in a few hours. What are you doing?

I was lying to him. Of course I was, I was lying to everyone. I was so far away from fine I wouldn't even begin to know how to act like I was. We had become closer, Gabe and I. We would sit and talk for hours. I could make him laugh so hard he choked, he could argue with me better then most without backing down. Gabe still hadn't asked me anything about Dad. I guess I was going to tell him at some point but I didn't want to do it just now. This thing with Gabe, whatever it was, was the only thing that felt solid and real just now. 

I'm just finishing my Christmas wrapping.  Do you want to come over when you get back?

I checked the time, it would be after 10. Nan was a night owl, I know she wouldn't mind if I went but I didn't want her waking up alone on Christmas morning. 

Why don't you come to mine? You can stay here, saves you coming over in the morning. I sent back.

I saw the three dots on the messenger start and stop then start again. I smiled in spite of myself, he was worried about Nan.

If your Nan doesn't mind then sure. That'd be great. 

"Nan?" I leaned forward in between her and John. "Could Gabe stay tonight? I don't want him to be on his own at Christmas."