Instagram Fanboy || Jaeyong

35.

Dear Taeyong,

Hi, how are you doing? It's a horrible way how to start the letter. I know. I suck at these things... But this is the first one I have ever written and I am glad it is for you.  At least it is for the right person. 

When you are reading this, the bed next to you is probably empty. I wanted to tell you this to your eyes. Stand right in front of you and hug you for one last time. Feel the safety, you always make me feel when I am in your embrace. This doesn't feel right and it never will, but I know that this is the best way, how to make both of us suffer less.

We have suffered more than we deserved. 

In my whole small existence, I have never thought I will experience this long and difficult ride. It was a long ride. Full of memories. Good and bad ones, which I will remember until my last breath. I am considering the last few months as the best ones in my whole life. Even though they made scars on my body and mind, that will be with me forever. 

 I was a normal student. I wasn't unique. I wasn't different from others. I have never been the smartest, the most handsome, the most talented one. It was just me. I lived my life as myself. I wasn't acting like someone else or doing things against my will. I just needed one fan page and you, to be my light in long and tiring days, in days where I wanted to cry or scream my heart out. 

You were there with me. Even though you were far away. On the other side of the TV, on the stage in front of me or at that table at the fan meeting.

 You gave me hope and reason to be happy and try my best every single day. Because that is what you were showing me every time I looked up to you. I knew that at the end of every day, you were going to be there for me and that wasn't something that I could say about anybody else for a long time.

Do you remember that fan meeting?

I bet you do, asshole. You made me suffer, just by using your smile. And I will tell you that no one else before made me forget my name, just by the way they looked at me. I was crazy in love. I didn't know what to do in your presence. I didn't know what to do in the presence of someone I look up to every single day.

Being an idol was my dream. Or I thought so... You know. Everything looks easier on television. It looks easier to be perfect. It looks easier to be happy. It looks easier to be successful. 

But in reality, I have never been happy during the promotions. I was waiting for that moment when I will be standing in front of the fans and feel true happiness. The signal, which will tell me that this is what I want to do in my life. The feeling everyone describe when they are doing what they love.

But it never came. 

Even though I tried so hard... I felt just more anxious and lost as the days were passing by. The only moments I felt truly happy were the ones, in which you stood by my side. I felt happy. More than that. I was finally whole.

You were and still are the other part of me, which help me to face my problems. With you, I have never stood there alone, in front of the hate and anger coming to me every single day. There wasn't a day when I felt like I am standing there without the armor protecting me when you were standing on that stage too.