What's eating you?

Chapter 20

*Jacky's POV*

I threw the gray box into the fire pit and drew in a nerves breath. With shaky fingers, I strike the side of the match box, with a tiny dirty brown looking match. A flame flared to life, and I quickly threw it on the box and watched as the box quickly caught on. A small little flame quickly engulfed the box, and soon everything was becoming nothing but ashes and embers. I listen to the soft hissing and crackling of the flamed devouring everything that had ever hurt my brother. I smelt the choking smoke, as the flame over took the box.

With trembling fingers I gently pulled out a piece of paper from my sweat shirt pocket. It was a neatly folded into a small  piece of old magazine paper. I carefully unfolded it and took a quick glimpse of the girl in the photo. Tall, with stringy cheaply dyed blond hair. She was leaning to one side, which made it clearly visible that she was sickly under weight. Her face was a hollow point, and her skin was a unnatural color of tan,which was  stretched way too tight over her bones. Anyone looking at the photo could easily count each of her ribs, and see the outline of her collar bone. Her eyes where lifeless holes in her head as she stared at who ever was taking her picture.  

"Must look like this!" 'Just a few more pounds!' 'Keep pushing your self to lose more weight. 'This is perfection." Evil word scrawled out across this piece of paper. The words that dominated my life for so long, the very same words that almost ended my life.  I crumple the piece of paper into a ball and through it into the fire. I jammed my hands into my pockets and watched the paper and box slowly dwindle to nothing but ash. 

It was gone, everything to fear was gone. Tears pooled in the back of my eyes, this was it, I was now on my way to becoming free. I closed my eyes and just listen to soft crackling of the fire. A numb feeling spread through out my injured foot, making my whole leg tingle. The tingling sensation slowly crept up my whole body, making my heart beat faster. Everything was going to change, I will be moving three states away from everything I've ever know and loved. I'm going to have to explain to people why I was so skinny, then tell them that I was getting help. I'll have to deal with all the stares, and whisperers behind my back. I tightly clenched my hand into a fist, everything was quickly snow balling around me.

"Jacky are you alright?" My mom voice softly floated from the doorway.

"Ya." I ex-hauled deeply and slowly unclenched my fists.

"Watch ya burning there?" My mother's voice held a course tone to it. A smile played on my lips as I open my eyes.

"Nothing, it's nothing to worry about." The tingling sensation was quickly leaving my body, leaving me feel extremely dizzy and light headed.

"Oh, okay, well the moving truck is here if you want to help me and your father move some stuff."  I slowly turned around. " But you'll being only caring light stuff, we still don't want you straining your body."

"Ya." I rubbed my hands together, they felt hot and clammy to the touch.

"Don't forget before we set off, you have to eat something." I ran my hands over my face in frustration. Even though I know I'm sick and need to eat, I still can't help but dread that very moment of picking up that fork and actually eating anything. Because even though I was still sickly under weight, I felt like I had gained enough, and gaining anymore can send me spiraling out of control again.

I took a hard gulp and spoke slowly and softly. " I know." I pulled my hands away from my face, and looked at the few small embers that was once the box. 

I slowly turned around, and carefully took small steps toward the door. My legs felt like jello beneath me, and at any moment I could  collapse into a heap of nothingness. My chest felt tight, and I could feel every agonizing beat of my heart. For the longest time after my brother's death, I question my self. Why am I still here? Why couldn't that be me? Why did he leave me alone? Most time I would go to bed, and pray I would never wake up, and in the morning a flood of disappointment would fill my chest.  I wanted my heart stop beating, just too end this miserable life I was stuck living. Now walking back toward my mom, I realized, Even though it hurts, I'm happy my heart hasn't stop.

I entered the house, and it smelt of syrup and waffles. A tense feeling waft over me. I took in a deep breath and made my way through the maze of boxes and into the kitchen. The table was gone, packed away with the rest of my life. The only thing that sat in the middle of the empty was a white fold out table, with a broken lawn chair.

"Just sit down and relax, I'll bring you out a small dish." My mother shot me a small smile, as I slid into the plastic seat. I clenched my hands into a tight fist and focused on my breathing.

"Hey, kiddo, relax." My dad put his strong hands on my shoulders. " Remember what Dr.Kellen says. Just stay positive.

Positive. One of the hardest words for me to put into action in my life. I had never been fully positive about my life, even when my brother was alive. I was always stressing over something, or trying to make something perfect.

"Here you go Jacky." My mother set down a small plate in front of me. A small waffle was caught up into four slices, with a blue berries scattered across the top. She slowly backed away and folded her arms across her chest. 

I picked up the small fork and looked at my parents. I cocked a eye brow at them and choose my words carefully, " Please leave me alone, I can't relax when I have people breathing down my neck."

Both of my parents eyes widen. " Oh okay. Come on John let's go." My mother linked her arm with my father's and pulled him out of the kitchen. I turned back to the food and it was like tunnel vision. All I could see was the waffle, all I could smell was the hot syrup. It was like nothing else existed, it was just me, and this waffle.

You don't need it, you can skip at least one meal. What harm can it bring?

I drew in a long breath, and slowly exhaled, I have to too do this.  I can't keep living in the fantasy that  me starving myself is good for me. I stabbed the fork into the smallest slice of waffle and stared it for a moment. I calmly brought it up to my mouth and closed my lips around it.

I instantly felt sick to my stomach. I felt knots churn inside my stomach as I cautiously chewed the piece into nothing. My throat froze shut as I tried to swallow. I clenched my hands into tight fist as I forced myself to swallow. I could feel the waffle slowly sliding down the back of my throat. I squinted my eyes shut, and kept my breathing steady. I could feel the vomit creeping up my throat.

You're gonna get fat.

I slammed my fist down on the small table, making the plate jump. My eyes flew open, and I suddenly realized I was alone.

"You okay Jacky?" My father called. I knew my mother and father where probably in the living room, debating on rushing in too the kitchen, but right now I just need them to stay away.

I glanced down at the plate and saw the small corner of the waffle gone. A small smile spread across my face. " Yeah I"m fine." I once again picked up the fork and stabbed a slightly bigger piece. This time I was ready. Ready to take the first step into a better and brighter tomorrow.