What's eating you?

Chapter 3

*Jacky's POV*

I stared in shock at the menu, I was not ready to have a meal in front of anyone, especially my mother. My mother shot me a nervous glance every now and then from behind her menu. I knew she was worried that I was going to make a pig out of myself.  Stuff my face with all the food I could, I get it, I was gross. I just felt bad that I was making my mom feel weird being around me. Didn't she know I was trying to lose weight? Didn't understand I know I was ugly and fat, but had no control of it?

"May I take your order?" I glanced up at the waitress. She has cute rosy cheeks with dyed red cherry colored hair. She wasn't tall, but she wasn't short either. She has beautiful round curves to her hips, she has what most girl would die for. She was what everyone wanted to look like, she is simply beautiful.

"I'll take the Parmesan Chicken with a ice tea." My mother gently closed the menu and handed it to the girl.

"And you?" She flashed me a bright smile.

Ya Jacky what will the little fatty have?

"I'll just take a small salad and a glass of water." My mom glanced at me and cocked a eyebrow.

"Jacky you usually eat more than that." Panic arose deep inside my chest.

"I'm not really hungry, I had a big break feast." I forced a small smile. My mother continued to stare at me as the waitress set the drinks onto the table. My mother parted her lips as if to say something, but then decide not to you.

"Your food will be out in just a minute." She smiled. I shot her a small smile back and casted my eyes away from my mother.

"Jacky.." She whispered. Oh god, here it comes. I knew she was going to say something about my weight. I wanted to tell her why I let myself get so bad, why I looked so disgustingly fat. But I didn't know why.

"I talked to the doctor Jacky, his worried about you. He says you are extremely skinny." I took a hard sip of my water. Skinny? My doctor was calling me skinny? Me Skinny? As if, I was the opposite of skinny. I was fat, and disgusting looking. My mother must be hearing things. I was far from being skinny.  I wasn't skinny, I was fat and gross looking. I was ashamed of how I looked.

"Jacky, I have been watching you lately. You haven't been eating a whole lot, and when you do, you just pick. Maybe a small sandwich here, or a can of soda there. But that's it. I never see you eat a full meal anymore. After Darren's death, you've been so distant. Like you aren't even on this planet anymore. Like you're somewhere far off in the galaxy, some place where you can't hurt again." I flinched a little. Darren was my little brother who had killed himself only a few short months before.

Darren was everything to me. Me and him where closer than I am with Tate. When I felt ugly, Darren would tell me everything I needed to hear. Darren was my whole world, and when he killed himself, my world came crumbling down right on top of me. I didn't know how to cope with his death, so I stuffed my feelings down with food. One night I saw how much weight I had put on, and how it made me looking so ugly. I was ashamed to look at myself in the mirror. So I went on a diet, but it still doesn't seem to work. Maybe there was no hope for people like me.

"Mom I'm fine." I whispered as I picked angrily at my nails. They where flaking again, I could never keep nice finger nails anymore. Before my brother died, I used to paint my nails all the time, Darren used to pick out my weekly colors, and I would make amazing designs with the colors or patterns, but lately my nails have just withered to nothing.

"Jack you don't look-" The waitress cut her off.

"Chicken for you and salad for you!" She smile as she set down our food. The very smell of the chicken made my mouth water. I had to admit, I was starving. I hadn't eaten anything since lunch yesterday, and that was just a small sandwich. I could barely choke down even that sandwich. Every bite was agonizing, knowing I was hurting my family with how I looked. They are the picture of perfection, then there's me, fatty Jacky who can never do anything right.

"Anything else for you two lovely ladies?" The waitress put her hands on her hips and smiled. My mother look up at her and for a moment scanned over her body. The waitress was full figured, she had wide hips and a full chest. Her pale skin was flushed but still held a beautiful color to it. Her amber eyes where bright with happiness.

"No thank you dear, we'll call you if we need you." My mother flashed a sad smiled and glanced down at her food.

I stabbed aimlessly at the salad not know where to start. It was a small bowel full of salad leaves, with a few croutons spread throw out. A thick oily salad dressing coated every leave. I angrily stabbed at fairly large leave and brought it close to my lips. The smell of the dressing almost made me throw up.

You gonna eat that fatty?

I closed my eyes. Come on Jacky, it's just a piece of salad you only have to eat a little to please your mother. I slowly open my eyes to see my mom staring at me. Her hands where folded in front of her, meaning she was studying something. My mother being a college professor, sits and studies things, and when she gets deep into her studying she folds her hands in front of her and lean forward. Sadly for me, she was just doing that.

I commanded my lips to open, and for my hand to come forward. The moment the salad touched my tongue, it felt like I had just eaten dog poop. I had to fight back the urge to instantly spit it back out. I kept my eyes staring straight ahead as I slowly chewed the piece of food. I carefully choked it down, my throat barley allowing to to go down smoothly.

God Jacky. You're so fat. You can't control yourself. You know you're thinking about letting loose and just eating the whole bowl. God your such a disgusting pig.

Tears stung the back of my eyes. "Are you alright?" I had forgotten my mother was watching me. Her indigo colored  eyes where wide in concern. She had arched her thin brows and I knew she wanted to say more but couldn't.

"Ya I'm fine." I whispered. She looked at me for a few more moments and then glance away. " I was just thinking about the first day of school and stuff." Lies flowed so freely from my lips. 

"Alright, I'll let you eat in peace." My heart sank to my stomach. There was no peace for me when it came to eating. I wanted to be skinny, I wanted to be beautiful, I wanted to feel normal again.  I rubbed the palm of my wounded hand. It was giving off a numbing burning feeling. I couldn't eat anymore. I needed to become skinny, to become beautiful again.