What's eating you?

Chapter 9

~*~*~*~ “I failed eating, failed drinking, failed not cutting myself into shreds. Failed friendship. Failed sisterhood and daughterhood. Failed mirrors and scales and phone calls. I failed at being alive." ― Laurie Halse Anderson ~*~*~*~

*Jacky's Pov*

I had never thought of suicide, it never even crossed my mind, until I lost my brother. I don't know why he took his own. I don't understand how he could leave everything he said he loved, to pick up the pieces. I struggle everyday thinking of what I could have done to save him.

 Darren's room seems so hollow with out his presence. All his posters are still tacked to the wall, notebooks still littered his bed. Even his texts book where still scattered across his desk. I don't know why I entered his room. For the few short months his been gone I've walked past his room like it's nothing, but today something felt different. 

What happen in front of Coach made me want to curl into a small ball and just fade away. She had seen the real me. All the pieces fell apart right in front of her, and I could never forgive myself for that.  

My dad had pulled into the school parking lot, like a bat out of hell. Coach carried me like a new born baby to the front office and sat with me. My dad rushed in and I could feel the fear radiating off of his body. His eyes where full of fright, yet he was cautions when he touched my. I must have felt like I was on fire to him, cause on the inside I could feel the flames tearing through out my body.

 I picked up a picture that sat on Darren's desk. It was of me and him. I was wearing a light neon green off the shoulder shirt with very short jean shorts. Darren was shirtless, and was wearing blue board shorts with my hot pink sun glasses. The photo was of us on vacation three summers back. We had traveled to Florida and we're dying to get to the beach. When the day was through, me and Darren where so sun burnt we felt as if we had been cooked. But mom wanted a picture of us with the sun set. We had ruined at least thirty frames before she got her one good one. I was turned to the side with my hand on my hip and my head tilted slightly back. Darren had my sunglasses on a goofy expression, but had his arm around my shoulder.

We had been so close, we told each other everything. He told me the first time he had sex, the first time he ditched school. He told me everything, but the most important thing. He was hurting and I failed to see it. Darren didn't seem like he would ever commit suicide, but then again does anybody really?

 My mom found Darren's body first. I could still hear the screaming as she pulled her from the basement. His skin was a scary color blue, and his lips where slightly parted. My mom frantically dialed 911 as my dad tried to resuscitate him. I stood in the doorway of my room, like a helpless child.

Tear fell from my eyes. I could have saved him, only if I would have sat down and really talked to him. But instead I was wrapped up in my own small little world.

 Failure.

 I couldn't deny that. I had failed to see the pain in my brother's heart, and  I fail at being what everyone wants me to be.Suddenly my bedroom door swung open. My mother walked out with her head hung low, and a magazine in hand.

  "Mom?" I poked my head out Darren's room. I could see my voice had cut her off guard.

 "God! Jacky you scared. What are you doing in Darren's room?" Her voice had a razor edge to it.

 "I thought I had left something in here, I guess not." I gave a forced smile. I couldn't let her see the storm that was brewing deep inside my heart.

 "Oh." She narrowed her eyes at me. I knew what she wanted to say. I knew she wanted to tell me to get out of his room, because it was my fault that I was to wrapped up in my petty issues to see my brother was slipping away from us all.

 We stood in a awkward silence for what seemed like a eternity. " What where you doing in my room?" I pointed the magazine she was holding down at her side.

 "Oh. I just waned to read this, and catch up on all the latest gossip." I placed my hands on my hips. My mother had no need for gossip. 

 Dummy she going to look at all the beautiful girls, and for a moment she'll forget how pathetic her own child is.

 I was hurt that my mother would lie to me, but I knew she need to escape this life as much as I do. For the past three months my mother been so strong, for everyone. Maybe she just needed to sit alone in her room and cry over the things that she'll never have.

We stood awkwardly staring at each other for a few moments when my dad poked his head out of the master bedroom. " Anyone hungry yet? I'm starving." He gave us a goofy smile and rubbed his belly.

 "Yes we are. Why don't me and your father start making dinner, and we'll call you when it's done?" My mother tried to be sneaky when she handed my father the magazine, but I knew better.

 No, I wanted to scream. I wasn't hungry, I refuse to eat anything. I'm so tired of gaining weight, and barley losing any. I just want to be pretty! Why can't anyone understand that?

 "Ya." I stepped out of my brother's old room and gently closed the door and made a bee line for my room. I slammed my door and slumped against. I couldn't stop the tears that where falling. Boy did I feel so helpless. Coming from a girl who has been the high school's top track star for four years running, I look pretty stupid. I couldn't understand why my parents where forcing me to eat. I know they see me as a gross creature, yet they still feed me. If I where my parents I would lock my self in the basement and never feed myself until I loss weight.

Get up! Stop acting so pathetic. The way you look is your fault and no one else.

 I couldn't argue with the truth. Everything that has happen in my life was my fault. My brother's death, my parents pushing away from me, and me being so ugly. Everything was my fault. I had to make it right again, even if it kills me.