Love Is Not Enough | Chaelisa

Chapter 5

I slid down, my back against the wall and looked forward. It was truly beautiful. The stars, the sound of crashing waves, the saltiness in the air, the moon shining down on me. It was perfect. I had to admit though, it was quite chilly outside so I pulled my knees up and hugged them to my chest in an attempt to keep myself a little warmer. It somewhat worked and I could give my sole focus to the scenery presented in front of me instead of the goosebumps and hair rising on my arms.

The gentle breeze grazed my face and ruffled my hair as it brought the smell of the ocean to my nostrils. I shivered a little but it was okay, it was as if someone stroked my cheek gently and I wasn't sitting here alone again. As if someone was here with me even if it was just the breeze and the stars. I learned that the quietness of the night was what I needed anyways. Once I've come to know this, it helped me relax.

My personality could be a little confusing to people. I enjoy being alone, a lot, but I am very outgoing and social. But it depends on the environment and my mood really. Sometimes I'm loud, sometimes I'm quiet. Sometimes I just need time. There are moments where I just want to be alone and process my thoughts, think the unthinkable. When I'm alone I don't need to pretend I'm someone I'm not, someone everyone thinks I am.

I am not stuck up. I am not the rich girl, the snob, the girl who has everything. I am not the strong girl with a smile. I am not careless.

There is comfort in the silence, unspoken words every time the waves crash. Nothing seems to clear my mind, nothing seems to heal my mind. Nothing other than this.

Looking up at the night sky I draw constellation with my fingers and wished I could be a part of that. Something that doesn't change. But I change, as every person does, I just don't know if it's for the better or worse. I was scared. Ever since I was little I was afraid of what could happen, I was afraid of the future because that was exactly what has always gone wrong. My future. 

I didn't have issues, not really. I wasn't cutting myself or drowning in depression. No. That's not it.

Well, maybe I have issues but not that kind.

I'm scared of being alone. Maybe that's why I never say anything. I don't want to lose the people I have. Strangers see me as a walking money bag and the only reason they try to befriend me is that they're hoping they'll get something out of it. So when I have friends about whom I know they aren't using me, but are friends with me because they genuinely care, I'll do anything to keep them. Even if it's holding myself back, keeping my secrets and my fears to myself.

The truth is I feel alone. I'm surrounded by people but I still feel so incredibly alone. Like all the time. One might think I'd hate this, staring at the stars alone, no one to keep me company, but I don't and I'm scared that's the worst part. Getting used to being alone to the point where you crave it.

My parents, being the busy people they are, the busy people they always were, never really had the time to pay attention to me. I was alone from the start. Well me and my brother but hence he was older and intended on taking over what our parents have built one day, he was busy a lot too. I didn't blame either of them for that though. Especially not my brother since he always did his best to be there for me, even if it was hard sometimes. My parents had their jobs that required a lot of their attention. I always did my best to ignore that little voice in my mind that said 'but you did too'. It was okay, I was okay. It's just, I wished that instead of giving me all these gifts, they'd pay attention for once. Help me out of the hole I was slowly falling into.

They never noticed. They sent me off to America to get rid of me. Maybe they felt bad that whenever they looked at me, they didn't even recognize me anymore because I grew up with someone else. Someone they had to pay to take care of me. All the missed birthdays, Christmases even, I got used to it. Same as Bam, we were both neglected by our parents. I don't think he realized it as much as I did though since he was always studying his ass off so he could take over one day. I, on the other hand, had a lot more time to think and process my life.