Life's a Drag

Dysphoria

*small trigger warning for homophobic language after the line 'unfortunately so,' said by Ryan.*

Tears prickled at the edge of their vision, the stinging sensation beginning to form. They swallowed thickly, trying desperately to force down the lump that threatened to form in their throat. The sinking feeling returned, feeling like something was pressing down on their chest, constricting their breathing.

  Ryan excused themselves from the couch, avoiding eye contact with their boyfriends. They stumbled into the master bedroom, gently closing the door behind them and plopping down on their usual spot at the end of the mattress, facing the floor length mirror. That, of course, was their first mistake. Mocha eyes looked into the glass and all Ryan could think of was 'Wrong. So wrong.'

  They wished they had curves in that moment. Not even breasts, just to see that dip in their waist, for their hips to jut out and run smoothly down the rest of their body, blending in with their thighs. Ryan wanted that natural hourglass shape; they wanted to feel beautiful in that way.

Without them noticing, a few tears slipped out from under long lashes and they tried to hold it in.

"Hey Brendon?" They called out, voice trembling.

"Yeah?"

"Can you come here? Just you."

Not a moment later, the door swung open. Although Ryan was a couple inches taller than Brendon, it felt like he towered over them. Ryan sniffled and wiped away the tear tracks on their face. Brendon was next to them in a second, holding them close to his chest and rocking them back and forth at a soothing pace.

  "What's on your mind?" he asked quietly.

  Another sniffle.

  "I wish I had curves. Like, I don't feel the need for tits right now but I want that hourglass body shape, you know? I fuckin hate this," Ryan trailed off.

  "Well, how about I grab one of the waist cinchers for you, okay?"

  They nodded and Brendon placed a reassuring kiss to their forehead before jogging off to their massive closet. Rummaging and various grunts were heard for a minute until a slightly ruffled looking Brendon emerged again.

  Ryan's eyes lit up as they saw it was the deep purple latex trainer. Purple was their favorite color and it was one of the first items they bought when they started doing drag seven years ago. It looked a bit busted and was rarely used nowadays but it still held precious memories.

  Their eyes closed so that they wouldn't have to see themselves as they stripped off their floaty, red shirt. Brendon handed them a tank top to wear underneath and wrapped the latex garment around Ryan's waist, clasping the hooks together in the front. Their deep brown eyes fluttered open and a sincere grin formed on their face. Relief slowly washed over them. Their gaze flitted over to meet Brendon's in the mirror. The corners of his eyes crinkled at how happy his partner was.

  "Thanks Bren," Ryan said gratefully.

  "Anytime babe, anytime." He planted a peck on their cheek and listened to the giggle that came from them.

-

  The next time it hit them, it was late at night and both Brendon and Dallon were out. Brendon had gone out to hang with Sarah, Pete, Gerard and Frank. Dallon was playing a show at a venue about an hour away, meaning Ryan was home alone for a few hours.

  They'd been flicking through Netflix when a horrible wave of self deprecation washed over them, threatening to suffocate them at any time. Ryan felt like they were sinking, something attached to them and pulling them down farther than they wanted. That physical ache was back and suddenly, it felt wrong to be wearing a dress and makeup. It didn't feel right to them.