Dark Thoughts

77

A/N: This chapter is a particularly sensitive one to me. I have been contemplating posting it for a while but it needs to be done. Too many thoughts and this one really needs to be said. Treat it with care. (This has been edited from my original to protect multiple people; including myself.)

***

I am going to be forever alone.

Because I am like that already.

And I am okay.

Sort-of.

All my actions are beginning to be second guessed.

Because of an outside source that thinks they know best.

That they know what is right for me.

That they know what I am doing is risky.

It is making me second guess everything that I have confidently been doing.

Saying things that are a little unusual for me and yet I was okay saying them.

But I had a screen protecting me.

And now the illusion is shattered by said source and I want to curl up and shut you out.

I'm sorry.

What I thought was real and what I thought was nice is wrong and apparently leading you on.

What I planned to say and do is now a slight regret.

But I don't want it to be a regret.

HELL NO!

Because it is the first time I can talk about new and different things with a person who doesn't say anything against it.

With a person that seems to be okay with what I am saying and how I am saying it.

But now I am second guessing.

Am I leading them on?

Have I gotten the wrong picture?

Am I reading too much into this?

Am I?

Am I being ridiculous?

Because I thought that I had figured out what this was.

Because I thought I had figured out that it was just a bit of fun.

But now I second guess because of what someone said.

And I don't know what to do.

I don't want to make things awkward but I suppose I already am.

I don't want to hurt your feelings.

I don't want to accidentally lead you on.

I just want to know what the fûck I'm doing.

Because apparently I'm doing it wrong.

So I have decided since I can't speak like this with you then I shouldn't do it at all.

And then I won't be able to meet someone and I'll be forever alone.

And then I won't be able to have that dream that everyone has about their future.

And I won't be able to speak like this ever because apparently it is wrong.

And not normal.

And not healthy.

When studies show that it is.

That what we are doing is common and much safer than what others do.

But what I suppose I am saying is that I don't want to hurt you.

As cheesy as that is- I don't.

I don't know if I want anything more out of it.

I never expect anything more than friends.

It is easier that way.

Because I am so fûcking confused.

I don't want to hurt you.

Because I'm too lame and almost embarrassed to say this to your face I have out it here.

And holy shît- don't bag me out.

Just answer.

What the fûck am I doing?

I'm so fûcking confused.

I know that once I have posted this that it will be too late.

And I will want to take this down straight away.

But this is important.

And I can't say it to your face.

So I am writing it here.

This is my biggest leap of faith.

Protected by a screen- how cowardly is that of me?

And this all started from the secondary source who thought that they know best.

The secondary source is making me second guess everything.

This source has expectations that I cannot live up to.

That it feel I cannot get to.

And I think that if I don't talk like this to anyone again and slide on my mask- I will be okay.

Because maybe it will be safer if I am forever alone and no one can get hurt.

Because I don't want to hurt anyone.

Especially not you.