Viral

*One

Warning:
This story contains strong language and mature themes.There are depictions of sexual violence. There are scenes that are graphic and may be triggering for some. There is also smut sprinkled throughout this book
Enjoy

What do you want from me? Why don't you run from me?
What are you wondering? What do you know?
Why aren't you scared of me? Why do you care for me?
When we all fall asleep, where do we go?

--Billie Eilish

The pads of fingertips slide up my thigh and over my mouth simultaneously. I can't move, I can't breathe, and for some reason I don't want to. Why does fear cement us into place and create a space for the unknown? Only darkness lives there.

My eyes search the room and all I can gather in the sea of darkness that should be my bedroom are shadow figures and hushed whispers. I feel him before I see him. His familiar scent, that had once been so relaxing, felt so suffocating all of a sudden. "Ryland it's ok you were just having a nightmare. I'm here, it's ok." His hands danced around my body touching places sunlight had never seen.

If I was having a nightmare, now awake...what is this?

I tried to shift from under him. If I could just take a deep breath maybe I will be ok. Maybe this is ok? "I'm here, I'll make it better." He planted kisses down my cheek before removing his hand from my mouth. His blue eyes looked black in the darkness. They carried secrets and possession.  I had never been kissed before. Was I supposed to kiss him back even if I don't want to? Is it wrong to say no?

Where is my voice?

.(&).

I shot up in bed looking around my room. I was alone, the moonlight spilling through my window reassured me of that. When I fall asleep my mind wanders to memories I had caged away. My heartbeat was vibrating in my ear drums. I should no longer fear a memory. I'm older now. Finally in control of my life.

The darkness that once controlled me fuels desire within me now. It created a problem I can't control and urges I couldn't tell anyone about. I slid out of bed and stood before the body length mirror along the side of my wall.  I locked my bedroom door before pulling the scrunchie in my hair releasing a sea of black waves down my back. In the privacy of my room I was a woman, beautiful and unbroken. I grabbed my mother's red lipstick I had stolen from the top drawer in my night stand and brushed it across my lips.

I pulled my oversized t-shirt over my head then stared at my reflection. The body I worked so hard to shield from the world now entices me in the darkness. I let my hands dance over my body like the man's in my nightmares had. Now I'm in control.

I sat down on the floor spreading my legs to give a myself full view. When I had these urges I couldn't extinguish them unless I could watch myself do it. Something about my pale skin and dark hair made me look villainous. I liked it. I fought the urge to touch myself as long as I could. The longer I could wait the better it would be when I got there. Releasing all the breath in my lungs I let my fingers trace down my chest until I reached the warm spot between my legs. This is what peace feels like.

I was silenced once. Told not to scream. That was years ago, when I had no control no choice. But now I have one I could never cage my voice again. And whenever I felt the need to moan, or scream I would. If it made me feel good I did it. I would let my back arch, my hips buck, and my hands roam. I never recognized myself in the mirror which is what made it so exhilarating to me.

A felt a moan creeping from the back of my throat before it danced across my tongue. Power. It radiated from between my legs, I just needed to release it. My chest heaving I let my fingers slide inside of myself. Coating my fingers in the warmth my eyes rolled into the back of my head.