Fearless

| XIX | - It Started with a Towel

Charlie had carefully kept his distance from Susie, the sudden realization of the severity of his feelings dawning on him and truly frightening him. He didn't know why loving someone scared him, maybe because he loved her that it scared him. It's been said before, Susie deserves someone better than Charlie, Charlie didn't deserve her, he knew that, and yet here he was. He was completely off the deep-end, guilt and shame swarming his gut as he thought about it over and over, trying to justify his feelings with something else, but there was nothing.

He loved her and that was it. That was the end of it. Loving her was going to be the death of him and he knew that but he couldn't just switch it off like a light, after all these years of hiding and ignoring his feelings, they've finally become so strong he found them hard to contain any longer. The lack of control he had over them only seemed to fuel his anger and he locked himself in the basement of his house for days, using the punching bag for hours straight, no amount of punches giving him the fill he needed nor the relief.

Susie, on the other hand, was very happy after their little friendly gathering. They had stayed at Sandra's Diner until it closed, talking, joking, laughing, and enjoying each other. She had a wonderful time with Charlie. However, she too felt somewhat conflicted. It was hard for her to read her own feelings. She still knew not what she felt for Charlie, if she felt anything for him at all.

"You look rather happy this morning," Grandma Brooks said happily, wiggling her eyebrows at her.

Susie chuckled lightly, pouring herself a cup of hot coffee with some vanilla creamer. "I had a good time last night."

"So you like Charlie, then?"

Susie nearly dropped her cup of coffee, turning her head to look at her grandmother horrified. "What?" she choked out.

"Susie, honey," She said, standing and moving over to her. "Why are you so afraid of liking him?"

The one question had seemed to clear the haze over Susie's judgement, everything becoming clear now. It's not that she couldn't read her feelings, she couldn't even comprehend them because she was afraid of actually having feelings for him.

"I don't know," she admitted weakly, stirring her coffee. 

"You wanna know what I think, Susie?" she asked, Susie turning to her with hopeful eyes. "I think you're afraid of liking him because you've actually always loved him and admitting that would mean you've loved him more than yourself."

But why would that scare her? Susie stood there, staring at the wall ahead of her. "If that's true then it's not that I'd have to admit I loved him more than myself," she began. "I'd have to admit I never actually loved his brother, Liam. And if I get those kinds of feelings mixed up whose to say I don't actually love my best friend Kristina instead or my science partner Johnny, or my bully Hillary?"

"Susie," her grandmother said, grabbing both her hands. "Sit with me," she said, ushering her to the living room and to the couch, sitting next to her quietly. "In some cases, people like to believe they love someone other than who they really love. Just like how people tend to argue and fight instead of admitting defeat. Either way, it only causes themselves pain. In your case, I truly believe that if you were ever honest with yourself and admitted you loved him, you'd be in pain."

"But why would I be in pain? Why would I do something like that?"

"It's easier to admit defeat than to keep fighting, but do people ever really admit defeat?" she asked, Susie shaking her head slowly. "If you admitted you loved him, you'd had to admit defeat. You'd have to admit you never loved Liam and, honestly, that might be too painful for you. Or, maybe you fear that admitting you love him with end in heartbreak, that he might break your heart. Either way, it ends with you in pain."