Sunshine and Rain

2019 fin

Fast forward a couple years becaus honestly thats exactly what it felt like. I remember one day sitting down and thinking back to that "incident", still broken. I remember thinking 'wait...its been at least 2 years'.

Damn ive been screwed up for at least 2 years and i didnt even notice it. I was aware of the time yet at the same time i wasnt. it was as if the 2 years just dashed by yet i could also give account for each month. That was one of the weirdest feelings ive had in a while.

'Alright' i thought to myself 'you've been down long enough, its time you've healed, its time to fully get over this and put it all behind you'

And so i did. In total it took 3 years to get over this, or maybe it was just 2? I'm not sure, at this point im not focused anymore on time. If i kept thinking about how long it would take for me to do something id get discouraged and make it worse so i dont anymore.

I remember watching anime, and as much as people hate it, anime is onee of the most inspirational things ive had all this time. Black Clover, 'zombie attack' on capital arc, Noele and this fire dude whos name i cant really recall was having a moment. He was a captain of a squad and noelle was in a completely different squad.

At the time she was going through what a lot of us go through today, insecurity due to family matters. Her family kept calling her a failure because she couldn't control her magic. She got into the squad that was for the misfits and failures just because she was royalty and as royalty she had the right to join a squad i suppose, yet she held herself back because everytime she would hit a snag or approach a difficult situation she would hear the voices of her abusive family ringing in her head and then she'd give up before she even started.

I remember looking intently at the screen watching the character development unfold. She had a lot of potential, just like a lot of us, what would this brazen faced captain say. WHat he said stood with me and will continue to stay.

"Being weak doesnt make you weak, but staying weak does"

A simple, shitty, over exaggerated scene from a fictional character was more real and had more meaning than a lot of people ive met. I'd totally recommend anime to anyone since almost every anime is filled with a lot of lessons that people just fail to acknowledge and teach you.

Just like that i decided to continue writing despite my depressive and sucidal phase.

Just like that i decided, screw everyone who says i cant do it, Ill do it anyway, Ill work hard, Ill heal, Ill grow.

Just like that i decided to restart my neverending journey of binge growth.

Because at the end of every day, you could do everything everyone says to do, people will always find fault.

You could go out of your way to love, or serve, or comfort, people change and those same ones you hold close could throw it right back in your face.

you can ONLY be betrayed by the ones you hold closest, thats what betrayal is. Thats what hurt is, so then....its ok for me to be selfish.

If people really want me to be happy, then even if things dont go the way they would like, once im good, they should be good. If they truly love me then they'd put my happiness over their personal preferences.

And if they dont....then their love is corrupt. Nothing good could ever come out of corruption except purging.

It was time to purge my circle.