Sunshine and Rain

Chapter 7: All Good things...

HUMMMMmmmmm......

          That was the sound of my bedside fan powering off. My mother made it a morning routine to wake us up by putting on the lights, opening the curtains and taking off the fans, which was fine because I hated to be jolted awake, I enter survival mode frantically looking around to see what the matter is. Wake me with too much noise and ill be pissed for the rest of the day.

          It seems I had fallen asleep. The morning was new and cold like a blank page in a new book and just like a page, I intended to write my story all over it in full color. I had been moping around for too long.

This isn't going to do me any good.

          For the public I put on this face, a happy disposition that could fool anyone because, to be frank, I was very happy, but as I came to realize happiness isn't the opposite of sadness, its the absence of it, and in all the areas of my life where my infectious happiness couldn't reach sadness lurked, fed and grew. My brothers were still asleep and I could hear their heavy breathing sucking up every last second of sweet sleep they can get from the bottom bunk of one of the two double-decker beds in the room. Yes I shared a room with my brothers and I didn't mind, I never really acknowledge them either way but we talk.

          Today was a good day for some cleaning and so after I had my measly breakfast, since I never actually eat breakfast, I started cleaning out my draws, which ended up being the only thing that was cleaned that day. I took out all its contents and like a museum, many of the items were years old. They were artifacts which I had saved for future reference. I had a savings pan with a lock on it so I unlocked it I cleaned it out. I had cleaned out the top layer of the double layered safe box and in the bottom layer of this treasure box, there were multiple Christmas cards I had bought up to 4 years ago. Written in them were words that seemed to come from someone so far away, someone that no longer existed and indeed the person who wrote in these cards no longer existed, reading them brought back static memories to my mind. 

I never did get to give them to her, everything just happened so fast. 

          We had gotten together and I was fully enjoying the relationship. Every day after school I'd walk a distance to her school to see her, under the guise that I was going to pick up my brother who went to the school next to hers. It was pretty convenient, I made it a habit to find myself there every evening, assuming that she was looking forward to it as much as I was. There was this one day in particular, however. The rain was relentless, hammering down on the roofs of the houses around us. It came down so fast we didn't have time to do anything but run for shelter in the garage of one of the residents nearby. They were kind enough to oblige and as we stood there, the whole lot of us just standing there, I was entranced by the scenery. The cold wind blew viciously against us sending shivers up my spine and so I hugged her for body warmth. I thought she won't mind, to be honest, no malice was intended but she was upset for some reason. She didn't want to talk, or look at me, she suddenly wanted no part of me. In my efforts to pacify her the house's owner came outside and yelled at us for inappropriate behavior..... yet I did nothing except sway with her and ask her what's the matter. So there I stood, hurt, confused and cold, this wasn't this first time I felt like this, gradually I got the feeling that she was getting more and more distant from me but I pushed that thought to the back of my mind.

          She still didn't look at me. The lady was still ranting on about how kids these days have no shame and she did us a favor by giving us shelter and- I was gone. I gave her my umbrella and left, walking first then gradually turning into a sprint. I was overthinking again, but I had good reason to. I feared she was slowly slipping away, maybe she already had or even worse...perhaps she was never with me in the first place.

          "Oh God why..... why" I whined in between breaths. I was panting, my legs were wet and heavy and tired but I didn't stop, I couldn't stop. I wanted my body to hurt, I wanted to physically feel the emotional pain. I could never wrap my head around the abstract so I had to make everything real for me to cope. 

          It wasn't long after I started crying, heart racing, feet aching but I couldn't stop. By now I was soaking wet and the rain.... flooded me with a multitude of frigid kisses, sliding off my cheeks to parts unknown. She was everywhere, It was as if the rain was hugging me, comforting me. In the wind, I could hear her whisper 

It's ok, Its always better the next time. Its ok, there will be a next time.

          It wasn't long after that that we broke up. I did it, with tears in my eyes I ended it but she....she was all too normal about it. She didn't flinch or blink or even complain. I suppose it was because she didn't think she was losing anything. Even though she promised that she'd wait for when the time was right and I was dumb enough to believe it.What stayed with me the most was the lines she told me one day before all this had happened when I had poured my heart out to her she told me:

Hacim...The girl you fell in love with is gone, she died the day my mother did. I've changed so stop trying to change me back.

          Well if your reading this right now then I have something to tell you. The guy you said you loved is dead. But I now know you never really loved me, you just loved having someone around  that would love you indefinitely but you never had to love in return.

But I've comforted myself knowing that there would be another time, with different results, and this was just the beginning.