Sunshine and Rain

Confession and Penitence

Weeks passed by and I remained solid in my decision. Slowly her and her issues took a back seat in my mind by force, I had bigger issues to deal with. Issues that spawned from a breakup i had a short while ago. You may recall me saying i tried to kill my feelings after what happened to me a few months ago, well this is what happened.

I went to an annual summer bible camp and made friends from all over the country. It was a great experience and each year i looked forward to the upcoming camp where I'd get to spend a week away from home in good company and good food. This year i had a date for camp, Mikada, a sweet dark skinned girl who everyone had a secret crush on. She was thick and active, to the point where I told her she might just be fitter than i was. How this union happened is a mystery to me, i somehow had her number and her sister's number, probably from the year before, and i decided to give her a holla 2 weeks before camp started. 

The conversation went exceptionally well, turns out she looked up to me in a few ways. She admired how fluent i was with the scriptures, my verbal eloquence, my happy go lucky attitude, my strength but most of all she admired my unorthodox idiosyncrasies, and my acceptance of it. She brought up that time we all had to make chow and she was impressed with my knife skills, I suppose she didnt think i had it in me. I dont blame her, I never volunteer to do anything big because when people know you can do things they pile it on you. However that year I was in everything I possibly could have been in and I got the best camper award. I don't intend to repeat it this year however, I just don't feel like it.

We planned out our outfits we would wear for the night of the dinner since camp had a formal dinner each year and you could've asked a 'date' to go with you. Frankly, with or without a date, i was going to enjoy myself unlike the years before when i had broken down because the i had, spent the entire night with another group of people and ignored me. 

I had grown a lot since then, I became more machine like and spent the entire august working out in my back yard to channel my anger and frustration. My date back then was a girl named Kiara and she let me down big time. Telling me she just got out of a relationship and she wasnt ready to go back into another one I decided to wait, like the lovable jack I was, but she went back to her ex. The same person she complained to me about and said he broke her up badly, she went back to him, and told me that the feelings I had for her were never mutual. It was hard, I dont like being played, but I moved on, keeping her as a friend for the sole purpose that she would one day watch me grow and regret it and that I would constantly be motivated to push forward.

But this year, this year was different. I was brimming with confidence, ready to not just take on problems, but set it on fire and watch it whither away to ashes. I was't the petite boy I was back then, I was out for blood.

The camp came and the camp went. It was a huge success for me. I enjoyed myself so much, I felt closer to God, I had gotten closer to the sweet girl who was actually 2 years older than me but thats usually how things are for me. Things were good.

Things.

Were.

Great.

But one day after camp i was talking to kiara on the phone, going on about Mikada and how nice she was to me. Then she dropped it on me, ridiculously.

"Hacim?.."

"Mhm?"

"It seems you have your mind made up about this girl..."

"Yea i guess...she's pretty great" I replied

"Well I suppose I should tell you this now, it wont make much of a difference later on"

Crap its happening, I should end this now before it continues

I gave in to my more curious side

"Uhhhh shoot"

"....I have feelings for you Hacim, I have feelings for you..." and she went on to explain how she discovered these new felt feelings, and how she understand what she did before and she's sorry, that she doesnt expect this to change my decision and whatever I decide she'd live with it.

I never felt so much mixed emotions before.

I was angry. How could you see me moving on, being happy...and then decide to drop this on me? KNOWING THAT YOU TURNED ME DOWN, KNOWING HOW I FELT ABOUT YOU AND YOU HURT ME AND I MOVED ON. Why?...why now?

I was happy. It seemed like she finally saw me for my worth. My year of binge growing seems to have paid off. She acknowledged me after all and I couldnt have been happier.

I was confused. Here I had two girls, one had everything I wanted in a girl. The other was everything I craved and longed for, knitted into our relationship. I knew her better than I knew a lot of people. We had history and here she is, confessing.

"I need a few days to think about it"

"Ok...i understand"

I took those few days, deep in thought and meditation. I was still talking to both of them until i made a decision.

"Kiara?"

"yes?"

"If we do this...Im going for the long haul...are you ok with that?"

"Yes" she replied immediately 

"Im not perfect, I have my ways, but I'll always be willing to listen. I cant guarantee that it'll go smoothly, are you ok with that?"

"Yes Hacim I am"

"and I suck at asking people to date...cool?"

She giggled, "Yea its fine..."

"Sooooo uhhhhh.....you wanna, you know"

She started laughing, "What is it?"

"Umm"

"Just say it Hacim"

"I chose you kiara..... do you want to be my girl from now on?" part of that line came from Pokemon, I always wanted to do that.

"Thats one weird way to ask it"

"Its not like I have a booklet with pick up lines or anything kiara, at least you know its genuine" and we both laughed.

"Yes Hacim, I'd gladly be your girl"

And just like that we got together. Everything changed. It took me a while before I warmed up to her but pretty soon I was all in, all my old feelings came back, overflowing. I couldnt be happier. I had finally gotten the girl I always wanted, and I made sure she knew that everyday. The only problem was the miles distance between us. I didnt think it'd be an issue but this prove to be another one of those 'not so good' decisions I make.

This was the biggest heartache I ever had.