Sunshine and Rain

Flashback

          My church had an outdoor service, a crusade as they call it, and this one was held down the street from our main church. I didn't feel like socializing, which was the norm for me, so I sat in the car and played on my mother's phone. It was a cold night, cold but loud. The wind seemed to be competing with the speakers we had conveniently parked directly behind and the noise was almost unbearable. It seemed like the main focus of this crusade was to be as loud as possible because damn was they loud, I couldn't even hear myself think. To be quite fair I was hoping someone would show up 

           So while I sat there deep in thought, I took out my mother's phone and decided to play a game while I waited. It was going well, I was nearing my high score when I heard this tapping on the glass. The unexpected interruption caused me to lose focus just long enough to miss my turn and with that I died, along with my hopes of a new high score and my patience. Who could the genius be that just ruined my moment, I was already ticked off but this...this was putting salt on the wound.

          I turned my head to see a man looking inside the car. It seems some people have no sense of when someone wants to be left alone. Slowly i turned my head. I could feel my blood boiling and rushing to my head. It was a feeling I rarely have, one that i avoided entirely, it was an addictive sensation. One that if i dwell on long enough engulfed me entirely until i could taste the bitter sweetness on my tongue. Who was this person? Who was my victim.

          "Hacim!" a somewhat deep slightly raspy voice hailed from the outside. It was Larry, a member of our church, Patricia's step father.

"You ok?"

"Yes" I replied, confused and annoyed. 

Why are you here?

"Come out the car and sing"

Sing....SING!!! YOU INTERRUPTED ME TO SING??? IF I WANTED TO SING I WOULD'VE FUC- calm doooownnnn Hacim. Lets not do anything rash. Breathe, Breatheeeeeee

"Ok" I replied flatly

          He looked at me, reluctant to leave but not knowing what to say. I could see he was just trying to be helpful, just doing his duty. Hesitantly he turned and walked away, hesitantly I exited the car. With my hands in my pockets I joined the standing crowd of people in the street who were listening to the sermon. I didnt pay much attention to what was going on, I was much more interested in the vibe i was feeling tonight. The very atmosphere had a lingering feeling, as if each day had its own emotions and each night its own thoughts. Tonight felt mellow, it felt like a warm cup of tea despite the cold breeze that ran its soft fingers down my arms and neck.

         I stopped looking out for her consequently. I had forgotten about meeting with Patricia, and each moment that passed by i convinced myself more and more that it wasnt that big of a deal, it wasn't meant to be. She obviously wasn't going to show up. Then i saw her, sitting on a ledge with her mother and it was like a punch to the chest.

 When did she arrive? How long was she here? . None of it mattered right now, i was just relieved that i finally get to see her. 

          Those are the memories that I held close to me, but they all feel so fake now. Sometimes i wonder if i ever really knew her. Sometimes i wonder if she ever really knew me.