Sunshine and Rain

Chapter 3: The Detox

The next day passed like a blur, the next week passed like a blur. Night and day seemed to be one and the same as my life lost its flavor and became a tasteless routine recipe. Time just seemed to overlap and mesh together as I existed purely because I couldn't cease to exist, dying wouldn't be enough, I wanted to be erased from existence. That way there would be no "me" to go through this rain...but there would also be no "me" to enjoy the sunshine. A risk I thought was worth taking.

As time went by, that memorable night became more and more concrete in my mind and I spent the majority of my time in a timeless mental world, thinking hard and crying even harder. "How could someone be so selfish? To lead me on for years and at the end of it all, have no remorse whatsoever? How does one wake up and find a reason to live knowing they gave someone else a reason die. How can you spill out fluent I love You's all the while destroying the person that you 'love'. How?"

My life was built on words since unlike people they actually stayed. People came, people went but words, words stayed transfixed in your mind and infect your actions regardless of how hard you try not to allow it to. I'd turn these words over and over in my mind, I wanted to see it from every angle, I wanted to see it raw, naked, the good the bad and the indifferent. She sparked a flame in me that burned hot and bright as the nights drew cold. I'd vent, I'd vent until I needed more pages to vent on and then I'd vent some more. "If words could inflict this much pain surely it can do the opposite ", I was intent on mastering the art of wordplay...but for that, I'd need to understand those who I intend to reach with my words.

Day after day I'd replay what she said in my mental television, break it apart and put them back together. Strip them down until all that's left is the meat because words always reflect in some degree an image of the heart that spoke it, and I wanted to figure out what kind of heart she possessed. I became obsessed with learning from her, I wasn't about to feel this a second time, this would be the last time I feel this hurt.

"Hacim!" a faint voice surfaced from the back of my mind. A face was materializing in my head...was it an angel?...was God trying to talk to me?!? WAS I DEA-

"HACIM!!!!" I was jolted back to reality by the shout of my friend Jeline Reed, my very best friend. To be honest, there was nothing we couldn't do together, nada. I had fallen asleep at the computer again, in the multimedia room at the church I attended where I did voluntary work. My work mostly consisted of putting up song lyrics and bible scriptures on the big screen and on the odd occasion I managed the sound system. We had these monthly services where we stay up until the next morning so it starts 7 and ends around 2 am. 

Looking at the way too bright monitor I allowed my eyes a moment to adjust to the lighting and read the time.

"10:30"

It was time to switch places with Jeline so she can have a go at the system.

"Mind taking my place?"

"Is it time already?" she retorted whilst scrolling through her Facebook feed on the secondary pc. She was so much into it that she didn't even notice it was after 10. I stood up and I heard my bones crack from sitting in the same spot too long and then we swapped seats. We started talking, about anything and everything that came to mind, throwing insults at each other that bounced off our hard understanding skins, tickling us to laughter. We threw playful punches and made sexual jokes and kept each others company, being the only source or warmth in this small, cold room.

Then as if by some, strange, urge, I decided to log in and check my chats. I have no idea what I expected since my chats were dryer than the Sahara. I wasn't known by anyone, I received no messages other than dumb game request from Farmville or something.

Almost instinctually I opened Ashalis's chat, and before I knew it I was reading the messages from the top, from the start of our meeting. Slowly Jeline's voice faded away, replaced by Ashali's, her laugh, her snort, her smile, I had remembered it all, how couldn't I, she did so much damage her essence is practically etched on the walls if my mind.

I began to cry...

...I began to sob...

My eyes weren't able to keep up with my crying and they physically hurt, they hurt because they couldn't possibly shed enough tears to quench this burning flame in my chest. I was engulfed in a moment I had locked away behind broken dreams and disappointments. I thought I buried it but I guess there was something about this church...that brought it back to life.

"Hacim....please....stop" I heard Jeline say "If you cry, I'm going to cry, please stop Hacim...it'll be ok. I'm here for you"

I looked at her, tears welled up on the rim of her eyes like runners waiting for the gunshot. She was serious, and she was right. It was only then I noticed all the signs I had overlooked, it was then I understood how utterly stupid I was to have let Ashali have this much liberty in my life, this much sway. It was all on me, but I still had doubt about it. Looking at Jeline I felt wanted, I felt like I should force myself to move on. I was done with being used and walked over, I was done giving someone privilege over my actions who clearly didn't care about them. So just as  they do in the medical field, I opted to take a milder drug to get off a stronger one.

Jeline was my detox.