When The Heart Sings and Bleeds.

A Letter to Grandma.

Grandma,
If I could talk to you
Then there's so much that I would say
But I'll say it in a letter if I may;

I've changed so much, you know I cared
Sad and broken,  confused and mad
Hopeless and helpless, rejected and abandoned

It's not the same since you've been gone
I know you loved me, that's for sure
Right from my childhood throughout my life
But now I can only mourn and sulk

The fact that you're gone is just too much
It's too much for me to bear anymore
It never occurred to me how much I could lose

I find myself wishing it wasn't true
And every time I think, all I feel is pain
I lie in bed alone at night and cry
Yet I don't feel any better in the morning

A thousand times I cried and screamed
A thousand times the tears seemed to blind me
So many things that we never got to do
So many conversations we never got through

Grandma,
I feel so lost and empty now
How could you just leave me alone like that?!
How could you just walk away from me?

I've tried so hard to see things through
But sometimes it's just so hard being me
And what hurts the most is that
I never got the chance to say goodbye

I can't take this never-ending pain
I wish you were still here with me

Times are getting so rough and unfair
My life is growing worse and worse
And I'm more than the mess I was before you left

I'm trying to live and stay strong
But it hurts much more in every way
Can you hear me wherever you are?

I want you to know that I still love you so
You were simply a wonderful woman
And nobody wanted you to go so sudden

But there you went on that cold dark night
And a goodbye I don't remember I ever heard
There's so much that I wish you could see
So much I wish I could say

But now I'll say I never wanted you gone
You knew how to light up a room like no other
And you'd make me laugh when I was down

This is so hard for me to write
The tears are here; they are falling again
They are a seal in place of my signature

Why couldn't you be here with me now?!
Are you proud of the empty vessel I've become?
My life feels like one big dirty pile of trash!

And I've had it; I've had enough!
Enough of everything I never wanted
Sometimes, I just wish I was dead
Sometimes, I don't feel like living anymore

Grandma,
Won't you listen to me?
I could cry an ocean if I let myself
But I sit here alone looking up at the sky

My world is dark and my skies are empty
Grey clouded with the deepest sorrows
And I just keep asking God, "why?"

The pain, the emptiness, the helplessness
And the loneliness pierce my heart like swords

As I seal this letter with my bitter tears
Until we meet again, my life is nothing
It's nothing but sorrow to sorrow;
                              Your grandson,
                              I'll see you soon.