Grey Skies, White Lies - Larina | [COMPLETE]

Chapter 53 | I Am Not A Robot.

- Lizzy's POV -

It had been two months since I blocked Marina's number, and 6 weeks since Charli had last contacted me on her behalf. I'd told her to pass on the message that I was doing just fine and I didn't wish to contact her. And so, she must have done, because I hadn't heard a peep since.

Admittedly, the weeks had felt like years, but being in the comfort of London again, without any direct competition, was worth the dread I felt every waking minute - or so I told myself. I hadn't been able to return to my original flat, but Steve had hooked me up with one just as hidden and confined.

Things had started to look up for me, sort of. I'd earned myself a single and it debuted pretty nicely, it hit the alternative chart with a small storm and peaked at number 13 before quickly falling by the next chart week. But, I didn't mind. I was doing what I loved, even if it did mean sacrificing who I loved in the process. Nothing good comes without pain.

It was the 15th of February, 2010, the day after Valentine's Day, when I heard her voice again, after all this time. I was alone in my flat, polishing off my second bottle of red wine for the evening, I'd decided to go easy tonight. The radio played it with with ease, although top me it was like heaven and hell combined into one rhythm, it pulled me in until I couldn't breathe, the ache of what once was holding me just below the water. It was a familiar tune, a beat that couldn't go mistaken as it came straight from the crevices in that sweet heart of hers.

"You've been acting awful tough lately
Smoking a lot of cigarettes lately
But inside, you're just a little baby
It's okay to say you've got a weak spot
You don't always have to be on top
Better to be hated...

Than loved loved loved for what you're not"

I felt tears prick behind my eyes as I turned the volume up further.

"You're vulnerable, you're vulnerable
You are not a robot
You're lovable, so lovable
But you're just troubled"

I gasped, a sharp intake of breath capturing me in my weakest moment.

"You've been hanging with the unloved kids
Who you never really liked and you never trusted
But you are so magnetic, you pick up all the pins
Never committing to anything
You don't pick up the phone when it ring, ring, rings
Don't be so pathetic, just open up and sing"

I stood, still, silent tears rolling down my face. Without a doubt, this was for me. I felt desperate as I sank to the floor, the radio presenter's voice hovering above me.

"A new one there from Marina & The Diamonds who is here with us today actually!" He said, causing my heart to beat like kettledrum, if it pounded any harder I was sure I might faint.

"Hello!" A soft, familiar voice soothed me through the crackles of the static radio.

"Absolutely terrific song there, might I say, Marina. So the record came out today, if I believe?" The presenter pressed.

"Thank you. Yes, The Family Jewels was released today." A modest voice responded. I froze. Today. How on earth could I forget!?

"The lyrics are wonderful - was there any particular inspiration, perhaps a muse for you to craft such a song?" He asked.

"Well, I finalised that song only last month, actually. I'd had a draft of it but I'm currently going through a heartache because the person I was with, I believe, wasn't ready to let themselves be vulnerable in love." Marina explained, her words caressing my ears. God, I missed her.

"I see..." The presenter replied. "So this song is an ode to them?" He pondered.

"An ode to them and anyone else who feels they must be on top of the world all the time." She explained.

They continued to chat back and forth for a further 60 seconds or so, but I zoned out. The lyrics whirring through my mind as I rocked back and forth on the cold, tiled floor.

Can you teach me how to feel... real?

I remained on the floor for the rest of the evening, actually, the crackle of the radio playing on the kitchen counter above me whilst every regret I'd ever felt knocked me senseless. I wanted nothing more than to speak to her in this moment, to feel her loving touch, her skin against mine, her words soothing my mind and all its poison. I wanted her. No, I needed her.

I must have fallen asleep at some point because I woke to the sun streaming through the half-closed blinds and illuminating my sad body still curled into the fetal position on my kitchen floor. I stood up, stretched, and poured myself a fresh glass of water, the radio still playing on the counter.

I pressed my palms against the worktop and stretched away the discomfort of having slept on the hard floor, before taking several sips of water.

I needed to speak to Marina.