Becoming Anne Again

Chapter Sixty-Five

A/N As always, hello my loves! Thank you for all of the support, and I hope you enjoy this chapter!

The year's first snow didn't come quietly for Cape Cod—it was a blistering cold that caused the residents to lock up their houses, start their fires and wrap their hands around warm cups of coffee. The snow beat mercilessly against the houses, peeling against the already abused paint on the outside of the beach side cottages. Still, the snow didn't stay long, as the delicate snow was no match for the fierce ocean wind, vaulting the snow violently against the resident's homes and banishing it from the lawns.

The roads were packed down with salt and sand, making it possible for Anne to be able to venture out to the café on the street corner of the middle school. Anne sat at the booth by the window, watching as the snow covered the frosted glass. Her hands were wrapped around a bagel, a paper cup filled with peppermint hot chocolate in front of her. It was strange, how such simplicity was such a miracle to Anne. But as much as the warmth of the café seemed to be the same as the backdrop of her dreams, she knew it wasn't enough.

Ms. Keller returned to the booth with her own cup of coffee, and for a moment, she just took a long sip. Anne was still fixed on the window, so it gave Ms. Keller enough time to regroup her thoughts. She tried not to think about how much of a mistake it could be, or about how she had been lying awake drenched in a cold sweat the night before. All she could do was try. "Anne?"

"Yeah?" Anne turned to face Ms. Keller again, biting her lips. Perhaps she wasn't in the same position as Ms. Keller, but she was still nervous. She might not have to respond to a girl's trauma that she couldn't understand, but Anne knew she would have to lay her soul bare. Perhaps that was even more scary—to be naked and completely defenseless.

Ms. Keller looked down and stared at the coffee for a moment. "You know, when I was first coming out about abuse, I was really scared no one was going to believe me, that I was overreacting."

Anne tilted her head to one side, looking pensive before taking another sip of cocoa. "So," she said slowly, "what did you do?"

"I didn't talk," Ms. Keller admitted, shrugging her shoulders. "For a long time, anyway. I don't know, I guess I'm not that open about it now. I mean, it took a while for me to even realize that the emotional manipulation was abuse. And I know it's not the same I just—" Her mouth went dry, and she paused.

Anne cleared her throat, just nodding her head. "Yeah," she said quietly. "You know, the whole reason I didn't talk about it then—I was just so, manipulated," she said, her breath coming out a bit more ragged. In truth, she was still trying to make herself believe that that same manipulation actually got her "off the hook", as her brain so crassly provided. "I don't know, it was dumb."

"It wasn't dumb!" Ms. Keller said passionately, her hand darting forward to take Anne's. "You were nine."

"So you read the papers, huh?" She replied dully.

"Yeah. I'm sorry, it's just, word got around—"

"Does everyone know?" Her head jerked up, her lips screwed together. "I mean, I guess it makes sense, it just..." Tears began to stream down her cheeks, and it took all of her willpower not to just bury her head in her hands. "I've been trying so hard to tell myself that it doesn't define me, but I still come back to this place in my head, and I can't get out, and sometimes I just think that this is it, that this is who I am, and that my identity has just been ripped out from under me. And then, there's this part of me, that says it's my fault, and I know, I know, I was too young, and I was just a child, and I didn't do anything wrong, and I know. I've been told that over and over and over again," she choked out. "There's just this place in my head, and I can't believe it."