Becoming Anne Again

Chapter Forty-One

Anne had never felt so nervous in her entire life. Everything felt like it had been turned upside down, and she didn't know how to make it upright. Her lips had been kissed by Diana, and now her body felt cold without her touch. But there was that deep-rooted shame in the pits of her stomach from the look that Mrs. Barry had given her. She was broken, and maybe she had forgotten that by being with Diana she was taking Diana down with her, wasn't she? What kind of person did that make her? What kind of self-absorbed monster would be so obsessed with themselves that they would completely forsake the happiness of others?

Her thoughts followed this downward spiral as Matthew drove her to school, glancing anxiously at her every once in a while. She had completely curled into herself, her knees tucked into her chest as they rode, her lips trembling in trepidation.

"You know it's going to be okay, right?" Matthew said, gently putting a hand over her knee.

"I guess," Anne replied, peeking up at Matthew through heavy eyelids. "I'm just scared. I don't want her to think anything bad about me. I just want it to be normal."

Matthew sighed, gently rubbing her knee with his thumb as he thought about how exactly he could respond to her. Words escaped him, but he had to say something, especially as they drew nearer to the school with every passing second. "She's not going to think badly of you. She loves you just as much as she did before. That won't change, okay? I know—I know she loves you a lot," Matthew said, tripping over his own words. But Anne nodded anyway, slowly unfolding until she limply leaned back against the seat's back.

"I'm scared of what Mrs. Barry will think of me."

"Samantha can still call, you know."

Anne shook her head just as vigorously as when Samantha had first suggested calling, when Anne was completely stricken on the couch. Somehow that made it real, and she just wanted to close her eyes and believe the scene never unfolded.

"Okay," Matthew said quietly, nodding his head in return. "It's going to be okay. No matter what, we love you, okay? Soon—soon it won't even matter."

"Okay," Anne said, even if she didn't wholly believe him. But then the school building came into view, and her breath caught again. It was as if all of the color had been sucked from her skin, and she blinked her eyelids rapidly to keep the tears from falling.

"You don't have to go, you know," Matthew blurted out, and when Anne's head jerked her head towards him in surprise, his cheeks colored. It wasn't something he should have said, but he couldn't stand to see Anne like this. "We can spend the day at home and just give everyone some time."

Anne smiled, although it was so small you could barely even see it was there. But Matthew saw it, and something akin to relief flooded his system, even though he still held hesitation as he saw the hesitation in her eyes. "Thanks, but I need to get this over with. I think it will be worse if I wait," she said, biting her lip as she looked at the kids who were playing outside the school as if the world hadn't turned upside down overnight. But their world hadn't been turned upside down, and once again Anne felt so small when she considered how her own sphere didn't affect the hundreds of kids who marched through those halls. She was nothing.

But then Matthew was hugging her, and she was reminded that to some people, for the first time in her life, she was something. And she hugged him back, hiding her fear with a smile. "I love you," he said, and Anne nodded her head.