Knowing Me, Knowing You | (S/P)

Chapter 33

My gut tells me that this is not a story with a happy ending. Be it by how her eyes look haunted, or the fact that she keeps talking in past tense.

"Do you remember that Narnia lithograph that you saw in my dorm?" I nod my head, a heat soaring through my body as I reminisce about that day.

"Mason gave it to me."

"He really seems like a good brother," I trail off as her eyes drop once more, and I realize that saying this was a misstep.

"When he was fourteen he was diagnosed with a brain tumor." The words roll off her tongue slowly, as if learning them for the very first time. "He got surgery and was under lineal radiation treatment for a couple of months. He seemed fine, but around a year after, he started having seizures."

My hands twist at my side. I feel a strange emotion brewing deep inside my chest. It's off putting, even though she hasn't really said much.

"Everything I remember from those days are the endless visits to the hospital. Mason would let me climb into bed with him, and we would read a book together or solve puzzles. My mom would go mad every time she found us like that, telling me I'd hurt him."

So that's where the puzzle obsession began. Our eyes meet briefly, and I see the building pressure in hers.

"I barely saw my parents. I understood that they needed to take care of my brother. The doctors couldn't simply find what was wrong with him. The CT scans came clear, he was taking various medications, but nothing seemed to work. My mom, she...changed. You must imagine how frustrating it must be being one of the top neurosurgeons in the country and not being able to help your own child."

I certainly can. After I told my mother the truth behind Emily and I's downfall, her being a lawyer, that's the reaction that she had. To a different extent, of course, but I can imagine. And I also did some googling after Alexia first told me who her mother was.

"But I was her child too. And every time she looked at me, it felt like she wished I wasn't there." The sound of tears weaves between her words, and my heart is quiet for a beat. "And I needed her. I needed a goodnight kiss, and someone to be at my school plays, someone to do homework with..."

I feel like the entirety of my heart fills with ache. I inch closer towards her in an attempt to pull her into a hug, but she raises her hands in front of her defensively.

"If you do that right now, I won't be able to finish."

And now I get it. The enigma that is Alexia Saunders is decoded at that very moment. She's so used to being on her own –to always take care of herself and putting everyone else before her, that is no wonder she finds intimacy and attachment troubling.

"Although Mason was going through a lot, he remained the caring, kind, funny guy he was. Until it became too much for him." Like I said, probably the most self-denying person that I've met in all my adult life.

I assumed a lot of things when I met her. Due to the mix of smart and sarcastic façade she's been guarding behind, I let a lot of things slip in occasions when I should have been paying more attention.

"Uhm, when they finally found a treatment that would prevent the seizures for long periods, he was allowed to come back home, but he wasn't my brother anymore. He was rude and bitter, and would say mean things to me all the time. My mother would do that very often, too. My dad had started drinking a lot and had no idea what was going on at home. Mason refused to take neuro-rehabilitation –went to therapy only once. He was no longer the sweet boy that I remembered. And I missed that boy."

I love her.

I love Alexia like I've certainly never loved anyone before.

A love that sometimes feels like a vast fire. And I'd let it burn me alive, delight me with its heat. Because I fear that the absence of it would be sharper than ice.