One Direction Preferences<3

My story ...

So. Idecided to share with you all my story wanting to open up to you all

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i have never been one of those people to be confident or open minded and to simply just let everyone know how i actually felt,is often easier to put on a fake smile and pretend that ur reality is the one u make everyne think is the truth,tho i know which one is the lie and which one is the actual truth.

i know i made mistakes in my life,choosin to pretend im ok instead of telling someone how i felt,bu if i let my walls down would people see me the way they see me now,or choose to think im messed as i think i am?

its not that i never trusted my parents its just...if u saw ur loved ones hurting ...would u put more salt on the wound or would u try to mend it?

the truth is this...i have been gettin bullied at school ever since i was 7,i tried hiddin it because to be honest at first i saw them as just jokes,but every day they would increase and then in the end, i was their problem,i was everyones problem...

and soon ,teachers would pick on me as well,telling me how i need to try harder,that i am not smart enough,that i bring nothing good at home,and i would ask myself what adult in all his mind would talk like this inf front of just an 8 year old.

to go everyday at school and listen to their words was the hardest thing i did, and to actually accept it in shut my mouth was even harder.

and as time passed by,words got more agressive,turning even into hitting sometimes,and i would let it go cause i was to scared to stand up for myself.

by 5th grade i was already messed up, i had no positivity in me,and black clothing would be everywhere,and i would go to school and endure their words,FAT,UGLY,WORHTLESS,NO GOOD,DISSAPOINTMENT,BITCH,WHORE,COW.i would have to hear their words;"kill yourself","you should hung yorself","just take some pills and free this world from ur worthless existence".and all i could do was listen and believe and i would get home and sit in my room and tell myself all this truly believing,for most of my life i felt like all i was was a simple dissapointment to my family and i was ready to give it all up and free myself and others from me.

i would look in the mirror and see nothing good,and to feel so low ,my self esteem being lower then anything else,i couldnt look at me and i would isolate myself in my room...the single thing making me happy being music.

i would have done anything..to just not be me..i was so scared of going to school i was faking illness and headaches just to stay home away from the people that were feedin my demons,and stepping in that school i could lready see them starring at me,laughin,callin for me,walking down the halls,feeling their hands pushin me around,hearing their words hittin on me like bricks.

and i believed it..i was fat,ugly,worthless...i was a nobody...nothing and i could never understand why my family hasnt given up on me yet...i was a dissapointment after all.

i always thought of suicide im not gonna lie,i might have been such a bitch wanting to take my life while my siser was fighting for hers,but at the time for me meant good,meant i am doing something good for everyone,watching myself with the pills in my hands just crying histerically as everyone was outside having a good time jut wanting to end it all,i couldnt do it,i just put all the pain away and choose to live...to live for everyone i loved tho i felt no one loved me back...i loved and love my family with all my heart and tho i may not show it i feel it and its there and i would die any second just to know my family is ok and happy.

and after those years of battling with my own thoughts and others as well, i was ready for a fresh start..high school,but i was wrong and deep down i knew it cause the moment i stepped inside i was already the fat freak.

as not even 3 months later i was already right where i left from,the old me isolated from all and everyone,making everyone hate me cause thats what i knew best.

i broke the one promise the one promise i made myself..to never self harm...but i did..and what made me feel even more guilty was that i liked it and enjoyed it,everytime just lookin at what i have done knowing no one will ever find out..only if i tell..adn tho i was scared and terrified i will do something i will regret i would always turn o the blade for "help"...i do remember the first time i told my dad, i could feel my heart breakin and i couldnt even look at him and tell him that i was doing this to myself,and tho i promised no more..i lied...i regret every single cut i made.. but its not so easy to stop when u feel that tho its soo wrong it feels soo right...

and even today even if i try to forget and forgive...i cant...and i apologise im so full of anger and hate and im always pissed off how can i control the demons...i cant hide it anymore tho i wish i could,cause now im hurting the people i love....

i cant explain why i am like this,maybe because i never told anyone what happened and all those nightmares r chasin me down..i just wish i could the bubbly girl i always pretended to be,only this time to be real..and to smile because i fee like smillin..i just wanna be happy..and i want others to be happy with me....