So Here The Story Spin's It's Wheel's. Age's 9 - 11 Are So packed With Trauma And Extreme Situations That I Am not Sure Maybe My Mind blocked Them Out. The Say The mind Split's Itself when Dealing With Extreme Stress Or Trauma.
Recap - Murder ,Death , Shooting, Abuse , And More ...
Does Any Of This Qualify As Extreme Or Is This All normal stuff. I need To know .. There Are a lot Of Scattered Memories And No Matter how Hard I Desperately try To remember Them , I Cannot Remember Them In There Truthfulness So There Fore I Cannot and Will not Try To Bring Them into This.
I Do Know That This Is The Definitive moment that I Would Call The "Birth Of A Rapper " Happened. I Can Remember the Situation Exactly 9 1/2 Maybe Closer to 10. Walkman's Are A huge Thing And not The Cd Walkman ... The Cassette Walkman. It would be A Couple More years before I Would get a Cd Walkman. I'm a Living The " Locked In a bedroom With nothing And purify The Demons Inside " Lifestyle and It's Getting More Worse. Let's Say more hand's on. Disgusting People Truly.
Anyway's School Is Out For The day And The Only Friend I Had ( Can't even Remember his name ) Let Me borrow his Walkman With a Carmen Rap Tape. He Was part Of The church That Mother Went To. Actually he was the son Of Some good Friend Of my Mother's. Personally I Thought Everyone would be Alright because Of This Fact. I Was Wrong As always.
I Can honestly tell You I Wasn't Trying To Piss Anyone off. Truly. You Got To Remember I Am Like 10 At this Time And Ignorant beyond belief. I Also Think It Is Important TO Note At This Time that For The Last Couple Of years Since Grandma's I had been Having Therapy Session's To help Deal with The Trauma Of The Shooting And From Constant Bed wetting Which was a Result Of what They Called " Oppressed Memories. To be honest yes I Did wet The bed Every night until I Was Almost 20 And yes I did Suffer from nightmares due to The Shooting Until I was Almost 30. However Whatever oppressed Memories I may Have Had Were not The Reason For Any Issues that People May Have Had With Me During The Ages Of 9 - 11. I Had Lost It. You don't Understand. I Was Sick And Tired Of being hurt , Abused , neglected ,And Left In The background. How Was I Supposed TO Do Anything other Than " Zone out " Or " Rage out ".
So Back To The Story. As A Child Who Is not Trying To Piss Anyone off And Who Zones Out To Deal With Life. You Would think That A Walkman Would be Ok. not In My house. Walkman's Are A Tool Of The Devil To corrupt the Mind's Of the Ignorant. So yes I Knew Ahead Of Time That My Mother And The " Devil Reincarnate " ( My Mother's mother Who We Lived With In Eatonville , Washington , Also A huge Problem ) Would Just throw A Fit About It. Trust Me when I Say This. She Was A Self Professed Christian Therapist And Oh My God I Wont Even Start On Her. In Fact I Will Resort to Speaking As Little About her As I Can. It seems That The Devils blood Runs deep in The Ladies From The Genetic Pool. Shortest Sweetest Thing I Could say ( I Kid You not ) Is That She Is The Antichrist Who Led my mom To a Twisted Version Of Christ. A True snake Charming , Bible Thumping , Hand Of God Style Of Woman. So Again yes I Repeat They Are both Against Rap , Walkman's And Secular Society. If Either One Of Them Knew Anything About Me at This Present Moment in Life They Would never Stop Calling Me The devil.
Anyways Here I Am Trying To Bring home A Walkman. A Popular, Secular , Society Created , Trending , Tool Of the Devil And I Am Attempting TO Listen To the Rap Tape Of Carmen not the Christian Hymns Stuff. Oh Holy Mother Mary And Joseph !!!! Jesus himself Couldn't Save Me no Matter How Many Times He Died On The Cross If They They Catch Me With This.
He Didn't Either.
I Made It Thru The Check In At the Front door. yes It Was a Security check At The Front door To make Sure I had Nothing I Wasn't supposed To Have and didn't bring home And Sugar Product's , By Tucking The Walkman Into My tighty Whities. the Clip Part Pressed Into The Piss Hole Part Of The Underwear. Yo I Was Straight gangster Feeling After They searched My bag and My Pockets And didn't find It. I Truly never Told Dude I did That but It wouldn't Matter Anyway's. Now The Worst Part Of All this Was The headphone's. i Wont' Even begin To describe how I did That. Let's just Say , Always Stuff those Front To back not Side To Say , Hahahahah.
So now I am in My Room. You Should Already Know The Routine. I Come home and Get Locked In My bare Room For The Rest Of the night. So I know It Is going TO be Like 3 hr's until They Come back To unlock The door And Feed Me dinner. normally They Don't even bother Me until Then. I Had This Pink Heart bead i found under The Corners boards Of The Inside Of the closest. The People before Us must Have had a little Girl. I didn't care I Used It as A mini Soccer Ball And Would Chew Off The Tip's Of My Toe nail's To Make " Goals " and then Flick The bead Thru The Goals. First Side To Get To 10 Win's. I never Lost A Game. I Always beat Myself every time. See I Loved Soccer And basketball. Basketball Is Truly my Sport Tho, I am vicious At it. But Tonight It Is not About That. Tonight I got The Walkman. Finally !!!!. I Get A chance To See What This Is All About.
Pressing The Play Buttoned I Listened To That tape For About 40 Minutes. Or What Seemed Like 40 Minutes To a 10 year Old Locked In A Room. BUT..... This Is boring .... I Guess I Knew All These Song's From church Anyway's. Man This Suck's. I Start To Take Off The Headphone's While Setting The Walkman Down Against The Ground when Suddenly My Finger Touches The Round Wheel.. You Know ... The round Wheel .... I Don't Know What It is Called ... Would Volume knob Be better To Say?
WTF !!!!! Ok SO I Thought It Was A Volume Button. Ok So Looking at It , Looking at It , Looking at It.... What is A.m. / F.m. ??? I Pushed The Button Forward And Suddenly I Heard A " Click "
The Kind Of Click That Send's everything into A Slow Motion Zoomed Into The 8 Billionth Molecule Quantum Antman Realm Click. The One That you Could say Definitely changed Your Mind / Your Life Forever. I Still Remember the Word's pouring Out Of The black Foam Sponge Headphone Covering's.
" I Laid All Them Buster's down . I Let My Gat Explode ... now I'm Switching My Mind back Into Freak Mode "
The Melody ... Oooooff !!!! .. The Realness . Oh Man !!! ... The Rawness Of The Story ... Wow!!! It Was As If the entire Universe Stopped And Suddenly A Shiny being Emerges hand Raised Towards A Sign That Said " RAP STAR THIS WAY " . I Found Myself Suddenly Having A Purpose. I Had Found A Way Of Relating My Pain's , My Sorrow's , Anger , happiness , Love , And More In Way's that Other's Would Take Me Seriously For. No Longer being An Outcast. I Can Exist. I Can be. My Life will have Meaning. Or so I Thought Until I Read The Fine Print. Why Is It The Fine Print Is always The Killer part.
YOU ARE READING
A Smoking GeminiNon-Fiction
Everyone Has A Story - But Some Stories Are A Little above And beyond until You Find Out They Are True I Am Just A Gemini - Its My Sign But more Than That It Is My Mental State Constantly conflicted between Two sides Of One being Desperately Tryin...