Candles , Mask's And Chanted Gibberish

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I Had My First Mental breakdown At 9. I Literally Went Ballistic Trying To Kill Myself And Others. As A Result Of This kinds Of outburst Everything Became more Intense As My Mother Incorporated The Use Of " Elders " From The Church. 

Intense Spiritual Intervention's That Consisted Of Candles , Mask's and chanted Gibberish. A Widely Known Spiritual Hip-hop " Christian Rapper " Artist Known As CARMEN Was The Only Thing I Was allowed To Listen To And the Only Thing that Was Played during These Intense Spiritual Intervention's. After Moving 16 Times In 3 years We finally Settled ( For The Moment ) In A Town Called Eatonville, Washington. A Super Small , Super Religious , back Woods Kind Of Town. So Many Memories. Most ( Pretty Much All ) Were Bad. There might have been 1 Or 2 Good one's I'm Trying TO Remember As I Am Typing. I Got One For ya , This Was The year I Started School , Up Til Then I Was Home schooled. Or At Least What My Mother Would Call Home school. national Geographic Videos While She Was " Working ". Nature Walks In The Woods For " Family Time ". But Even Starting This New School Was a Painful memory. Due To The Fact This Was Such A Super small Room Every Kid In The School Knew What My Mom Did To Make Sure We Stayed Living Out of the Motel Room. Not TO Mention That I Am Different From Them . Washington Early 90's Was All Gothic Or Alternative Or Grunge.  All From The Ages Of 6 until Around 9 I Had been Living in Some Of The Worst Areas That Could be Found. But For Me The Hood Was Always the happiest Places we Lived At. Ill never understand That. All The Pot Plant's , Rock Music , Rap Music , And some Sort Of hallucinogenic Seem To make Me happier Than being Locked In A Room told over and Over That I Am Filled With Demons but God Loves me So He Is Going To Save Me. At This Point In Life I Am totally confused , Angry , hurt , And Rebellious. So yeah You Could Probably Even Go As Far As To say That I Was An Emotionally Disturbed , Adhd Bipolar , With Anti Social Tendencies and A Sociopathic behavior. However I Would Like To Stress That nothing Is Further From the Truth. Truly Not Me I Swear It. I Was A 9 year Old Trying To Interact With Others After 9 years Of No Interaction With Kids And being A " Unique " Character so In Essence It Is common Sense That This Wont Work Trying To Exist In A Normal Setting. Everything About that Sentence Wasn't Me .. Trying To Exist being normal Or Interacting With Others. i Just Wanted To Go Back To What I Knew As normal. So What Am I Supposed To Do Now. My Mother Has 360ed On Me. The Church Says I Am The bad guy , The School Says I Am The Bad Guy , My other Says I Am The Bad Guy ,, WHY??? What The F did I Do. 

Bring back The Cliche Again , More Sap , and more Goo.

AS Lost As I Was It was natural That I Would Resort To Retreating Inside My mind. So Music , Sport's , Comic Book's And Rap Became My Retreat. Every Moment of every Day. Lost Little Lonely White boy Confused And hurt Listening To Early Rap Playing Basketball by Himself Locked Away In his Mind 

Sap 

Goo

Cliche

UGGH!!!!!! 

I Could Give You 1000 Plus Stories About Abuse , Being Shot up With Heroin , Touches From People Not Supposed To Do That ( Pointing at You Mom ) But That Is What Was Not What Is anymore. Truth For The ages not Truth For All Ages And Definitely not Sugar Coated Fake Truth Just because People Think I'm not Supposed To be real. I Personally Don't Care About What A Fake Mother Will Think After This Or what A Father who Was Never there Will Think . So Many years now , So many Details getting Blurred , and so many Faces Change But Some Things - Some Thing's Will Last Forever. I Can honestly Say That I Didn't See God During All Of This Time. Hell Even Today sometimes I Have A Hard Time Seeing God There ,But That is what They Call Faith , Right ??? Regardless That Bible verse ( For God So Loved The World ) Has Had Men Die For It , Empires Forged From It , And Lives Changed By It. So Surely This Insignificant Child Victim has no Right , no Room , To Complain .... Right ??? 

They Say God Work'sin Mysterious Way's. That His Moves Are Known only To Himself. Personally I just Wish he Would Shine All His Glory , Lightening , Thunder , The Whole nine ... Just 1 Time ... And I Wish He would Explain. 

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