For God So Loved The World

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Wake Up ...Party 

Eat ... Party 

This Is The Lesson being Taught TO Me.  Life Is A Party .. Hell Yes I Can Do This .. Not healthy For A 7/8 year old but Hey By now It has Become So Much The Normal that I don't even Wake up Til About 4 Pm. School Is nonexistent Anymore , Anytime the school had Issues With My attendance , We Would Just Move. 

Never Once Did I Ever think That being Intoxicated Was Wrong . Never Did I understand That Constantly Partying Is Not Healthy. Never Once did it Ever Cross My Mind That The Life I Was Living Was not Right. I Knew no Other Way. I Knew no Other Life. I Have been With My Mother now Going on Almost 3 years now. Nightly Games Of Quarters Usually Including Vodka. Daily Lessons Of how To hustle And Steal From The Stores To Eat. Weekly Lessons Of " How To Pay The Rent Laying On Your back " Bill Paying. My Breakfast Lunch And Dinner Consisted Of Cheese And Meat Snacks From the Store and Taco bell Burritos And Mt. Dew. 


It Is Like You Wake up one Day And everyone Is Standing Over You Staring And Shouting. Confusion , Bewilderment , Panic Are just some Of The First impulses people Feel When this Happens. So When Someone Who you have Gotten Accustomed To Changes it Feels the same Way Right ... Or Is It just Me That Feels Like That . I Mean Take Someone Day In And Day Out being The Same Way , Same Routine , Same outcome , Always The Same ... Then 360 That Person Into Something Completely 100 Percent Opposite Of That Daily Routine. Yup !! Bewilderment , Fear , Panic , Confusion . 

That One Bible Sentence Has Caused Me More Fear , Confusion , Bewilderment Than Any Other One Ever !!  

Why Would It Tho ?? Why Should It Tho ??? 

I Can Not Answer For Other's but For Myself ... The Moment My Mother Started To believe in That Sentence Is The very moment That Hell Became Real And Worse Than Ever. Not A Spiritual hell  But The hell Called My Life. 

I Must Be A Liar Or An Over Exaggerating Fool ... That's The Most Common Thing That Gets Told to Me when I Get to This point in My Life. So much So that Sometimes I Feel Like I Am Supposed To Deny that It Happened. Then I Look At my children And Realize I'm tired Of being Less Than What I Have the Potential To be. So Regardless Of those Who believe or do not believe the Truth and This Story , My truth and My Story , Must be Told. 

Let's Start Like This 

9 years Old .. what kind Of Frame Of Mind Does Someone Like Me Have After everything that Has happened. 

Recap - Broken Home birth , Mother Drug Addicted Whore Who Left , Step Mother Almost Kills Me , Father Shoots 2 murders 1 , almost 2 years on A Navajo Reservation In Arizona Learning Racism To Go To My Grandmothers Farm In Tennessee to Immediately Turn Around And go Learn how To become a Child To A Wild heathen Woman In Coos bay , Oregon Who Does nothing But Party , Party , Party. 

Look Real Talk My Mind Was Messed up. Shoot To be Real With You... Is Messed Up And Of Course there is no Denying That I have ADHD ( Just Meet Me one Time ) So yeah Man My Mind Was messed up and That ADHD Terms Sucks , Especially back Then ( 1993 ) , Truth Is There was And Is Something Wrong with Me. So You Got a 9 yr Old With Problem's And this Wild heathen Woman Who Suddenly Turns Into A Saint 

OH GOD !!!

Did The Problems Ever get worse 

Throw In An Example here 

Spare The Rod Spoil The Child - I Got beat ... I Don't Mean just A Little ...  Most Of The Scars and broken bones I Have Come From This part Of My Life. The Blood , Oh Man, always So much blood .. Blood would become A Constant In My Life just Like pain. Electrical Cords Cut don't Let Anyone Lie To you ... Dishes Do shatter over Peoples heads Trust Me I Know ... Walls Do Crumble When You Throw a Child Thru Them ... It hurts Too ... 

See God Told her That In order For Her To Get To Know God she had To Change ... And in Part Of That Change She had To Recognize When The Devil Is Trying To Test Her .. And This Child That Is the Song Of Greg , That Evil man Who Killed People , So The Demons Live On In Him ... Me ? That's What She Claim' .. What Is this woman's Problem ? .. How Did This Happen To Me ?

 I'll Even Drop Another Example just to Make Sure We Get the Point early on. 

The Pastor Of The Church We just Started Says that In The Bible God Use Holy Water To Purify Th demons Out Of sinners. So Since This Child ( Me ) just stole vanilla Extract Out Of The Cupboard To find Out If It Was Sweet ( God That Stuff Is nasty DO NOT EVER TRY IT ) That Makes him A thief . A thief Is A sinner , A Sinner Is Filled With Demon's, Demons Must be Cleansed In The name Of Jesus.  We Must Use that And Pour It Into his Eyes ... Yes This Truly happened .. vanilla Extract In The Eyes In no joke And This one Incident Is A Key Memory In My Life. Unforgettable , Real And Still Causes me Ptsd Nightmares To This Day. So Many Wall's Thrown Thru, So Many Cuts , bruises , And Mental Manipulation .. She used To beat Herself With A board or A Belt Saying That God Told her To Take The Punishment For A sinner Like Me. Tied Up And Put In A Trunk .  Locked In A Bedroom With no Mattress No Dresser Nothing Nothing But Myself And A Pink Heart bead I Found under the Closest Boards. Nothing no bed No Carpet Nothing To Tempt The Devil To work In my Heart. My Mother And her Mother even Went As Far As To Board And Block The window in The Room because It Was Halloween And they Did not want Me To Watch The Kids Trick Or Treating During Halloween night In there Costumes. hearing in the background ( Like A Sick Water boy Impersonation ) " they Are the Devil , They Are filled With demons."  We must purify his Mind  wit a Penance Of Solitude just Like Pastor Bowman Says. Wake Up To The Door unlocking New Clothes Oatmeal Handed Door Locked Lunch door Locked Dinner Rinse Repeat   

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