Batfamily Short Stories

Kitchen Catastrophe

It was a mild afternoon in Gotham, one of few, and Jason was currently enjoying the warm rays of sunshine coming through the breakfast room window from his seat at the large round breakfast table. His signature red helmet rested at his elbow, even though he was in casual clothing.

He had a copy of Phantom of the Opera in hand, and it was even written in French, as it should be. The book had been a birthday gift from Alfred after the butler noticed that Jason's old copy was a bit worse for wear.

Speaking of Alfred, the older man was seated across the table from Jason with a steaming cup of Earl Grey tea and the day's newspaper. Although, Jason suspected the man had already read through it before anyone else was even awake that morning.

Suddenly, an annoying sound arose, grated against Jason's ears. He turned his attention away from the book and looked through the kitchen into the hallway on the other side. Sure enough, four horrifying figures appeared in the doorway. Jason's "siblings".

Alfred caught sight of Jason's annoyed features and smiled lightly as he turned to look at the approaching figures. Dick, Tim and Damian were walking with bowed heads as if they were in trouble for something. And since Damian was rarely ashamed of anything, Jason assumed they must have done something incredibly bad.

Stephanie, however, was bounding alongside the three boys, seemingly without a care in the world.

Jason grimaced as they all came to a stop next to the table.

"Can we help you four?" Alfred inquired, a knowing gleam in his eyes.

Damian crossed his arms with a huff, and Stephanie elbowed Tim, but it was Dick that spoke up.

"We... kinda spilled paint all over the batmobile so B sent us to you for punishment..."

Not having expected to hear those words, Jason snorted as he burst out laughing. Alfred smirked as the others looked at him strangely.

"Is he... okay?" Tim inquired tentatively.

Jason quickly waved him off as he caught his breath, saying between laughs, "Oh, man. I never thought I'd hear those words come out of your mouth, Golden Boy."

"I told them we didn't need paint grenades." Stephanie said, grinning.

Tim looked at her with a raised brow, "You're the one who helped built them, Steph."

"Psh, whaaat?" Stephanie quickly brushed him off. "No way."

Alfred chuckled quietly, gaining the group's attention.

"Very well, if it's punishment you're here for then you can start by helping with dinner."

Jason looked at Alfred in horror, "What?!"

"You heard me, Master Jason." Alfred replied, folding his newspaper. "Master Dick, you can get the utensils we'll need. Master Tim, get the recipe book. And Master Damian, you'll gather the ingredients as Master Tim reads them."

Horror still lacing his features, Jason managed to choke out, "Alf... what are you... what are you doing?!"

"Not to worry, young sir." Alfred assured Jason as he pulled out a wrinkle in his vest. "It's under control."

"No. No, no, no, they're animals!" Jason exclaimed, letting his book fall closed. "They'll ruin your perfect kitchen!"

"Hey!" Tim shot back, clearly offended.

Alfred quickly raised his hands to quiet everyone, "You heard my instructions. Now, get too it. Miss Stephanie, if you wouldn't mind putting the kettle on to boil? I'm afraid I'm going to need more tea before this is all over."

It took less than five minutes for Jason to get a headache. He had tried going back to his book, but even the brilliance of Gaston Leroux couldn't block out the horrors that were occurring in Alfred's kitchen.

Tim had mixed up the perfectly organized recipe cards that Jason had distinct memories of organizing, not to mention he and Stephanie were arguing. Apparently Tim hadn't pronounced 'basil' correctly, but at least it wasn't Tim and Damian fighting. Someone would have died already.

Jason cringed as Dick dropped yet another metal utensil on the tiled floor, sending a loud 'clang' echoing through the room. Surprisingly, Damian was being the least annoying out of the group, keeping his mouth shut as he placed an assortment of ingredients on the counter.

Alfred was standing off to the side with his hands clasped behind his back, and Jason could see the man's fingers twitching anxiously. Finally, Jason had had enough.

"Alright, everybody just stop!"

Seeing everyone come to an immediate stop gave Jason a feeling that he would have been lying if he said he didn't enjoy.

"Everybody sit down and shut up." Jason went on, pointing to the bar stools at the counter. "You're giving Alfred an aneurysm, and I'm about two seconds away from kicking your butts for wrecking this kitchen!"

Sheepishly, everyone slid onto a bar stool, their heads hanging low as Jason started filling the sink with hot, sudsy water, muttering something about delinquent children and the lack of respect in this house.

Looking back up at Damian, who was sitting serenely in his chair, watching Jason's every move, Jason raised an eyebrow.

"You..." Jason said slowly, looking the boy up and down. "You're my favorite."

Immediately, Dick squawked in indignation. Damian nodded serenely and Stephanie frowned, while Tim merely raised an eyebrow.

"Not a word, Golden Boy." Jason went on, looking harshly at Dick who slouched in his seat, keeping his mouth shut for once.

Taking a hot, soapy washcloth, Jason swept it over the dirtied counter as Alfred straightened out the mess of equipment and ingredients. Tim watched the smooth process with wide eyes.

"Anything else you need, Alf?" Jason inquired, swiping a clean dish towel over the now-sparkling counter-top.

"Do you still remember how to make pasta dough?" Alfred inquired, smiling.

Jason nearly snorted, repeating mockingly, "Do I still remember?"

"Well... do you?" Tim asked.

"Yes, I still remember!" Jason retorted, walking into the massive pantry and returning with the pasta extruder. "Just watch and learn, Replacement."

Less than twenty minutes later, Stephanie, Dick, Tim, and Damian watched wide-eyed as Jason masterfully fed the dough through the extruder before laying the sheet out over the the ravioli maker that was on the counter. Even Damian was completely enraptured as Jason and Alfred worked together like a well-oiled machine, skillfully placing dollops of spinach and ricotta filling over each section.

When they finished, Jason dusted off his hands and declared, "That's how you make your way around the kitchen, folks."