On the Wings of Hope: Prose (Recognized)

Ill mind

Darkness. Light. Darkness. Light.

An endless, limitless stream of alterations. And no more one could see the end of it, and no longer the point of beginning could be found.

Darkness. Light. Darkness. Light.

There were times when the consciousness almost completely abandoned him – and sticky, slippery, frightening with their hopelessness minutes of madness took its place. At times, however, it became a little better. As if cobwebs that have surrounded and enveloped the brain and chained the mind, finally cracked. As if someone – apparently, for mockery – decided to make fun of this being, giving again the possibility to feel for a brief moment now inaccessible wonderful moments of a healthy life... and then in a single instant ruthlessly took them back again. This happened one or two days a month, but even this was an indescribable bliss. Because it's only going to get worse. Because there could be nothing worse than this curse. And it was impossible to find the point of beginning.

In those short days when the mind became clearer, when the shadow of madness receded away, frightened by the morning sun rays, – in those short days, hope revived. He wanted to believe that he will always be that way – healthy, that his worries would sink into oblivion, that fear would finally disappear, that like a phoenix bird he would again reborn from ashes together with his hope... But shortly after nightfall, these hopes died once again.

Birth. Death. Birth. Death. Who knows what lies ahead? Who will dare to predict?

There was no difference. Life here or death there... What difference does it make if life has become almost like death, if belief burned to ashes in the frenzy of fire of madness if hopes were scattered like dust? And then he had to pray for death so that it wouldn't slow down. So that she would finally come after these long years of alive-death.

***

Today he was given a chance to play with his hope once again. Or maybe they decided to play themselves – which is, in fact, the same thing. His brother came to visit him – and now, accompanied by two doctors, he was slowly walking through the long corridors to meet with him.

"It's painful-sad, no one gives a hand

In minutes of the soul's stormy weather.

To hope, to believe, to fall down or stand?

We cannot escape altogether."

Some person's poetry emerged from the depths of his consciousness.

At least, he couldn't get away. Just like hundreds of others living in this building, though.

Hope dies last, suffering in agony... She had already died for someone – and there was no more any difference. For him, in this day she flashed on the horizon with a thin bright ray of light – only to die again tomorrow.

When he went outside, his brother immediately approached him. Hugged, patted on the shoulder, tried to cheer up. They started talking. Brother asked how he was feeling, if the doctors were taking good care of him, trying to encourage and comfort... as if it could make any difference now when there was no more difference.

Nevertheless, they got to talking. Brother hasn't visited him for about a month, and now in spite of everything it was nice to hear and listen to him, cheerful and lovely – as he was once himself, never-ending long ago. Today for some incredible whim of fate the reason was bright once again, and the conversation could continue for a long time, several hours – of course, if there was at least some sense in it. However, it was still nice, and for a moment the joy even knocked on the door of his soul again.

"Forgive me that I cannot help you in any other way now. I hope you understand. I can't understand why you were so seriously punished, just don't see the logic. At times when I fall asleep and remember you, I swear and scold God who allows such... inhumanity. Damn it, I don't see the logic! I look at our world more and more closely – and, you know, I am starting to feel that we all have already gone crazy, got sick a long time ago. And many are much less healthy than you, many are much more inhuman.

And if there's any logic to that, where the hell is it?! Why are the ones who are really mad, who are nurturing and cherishing plans to destroy their own kind – why does God pardons them, why punishes others? Why almost always not those who have really deserved it? You know, no matter how long I have struggled with this mystery, no matter how many times I have asked him hoping for an answer – all to no avail. Sometimes I think that we were left to our own fates a long time ago. Forgive me... I am doing everything I can..."

"Still, don't blame God. Who knows? Maybe it really turned out to be necessary – to leave us for a while so... so we could find him ourselves? I don't know, don't know... I guess I am finally starting to realize that I truly don't know anything, that my knowledge is dust and it's gone as fast as it has come. And, you know, I have been thinking about it – thinking at nights when the mind was ready to faithfully serve me... I think it's for the better. Yeah, yeah, don't be surprised, it's for the best. Now I have much fewer things to worry about. I stopped running without knowing where I was going, I stopped pushing people next to me to the sides, I stopped appreciating so many things that others consider to be the only true value and began to appreciate others instead. And I almost stopped considering this unfair. Rather, perhaps, a lesson, albeit a very cruel one.

This is so beautiful... So wonderful to be sitting here in the garden, listening to the sounds of leaves and singing of birds, talking to you, who have come to visit me again – and worry of nothing more... I just don't have time to worry any longer. Now I only have the time for the beauty of my and yours – our – world. I was finally able to understand and feel this, finally managed to...

No, it's for the better. Let it be as it is since it's impossible to change, let it be so. I accept that. I have made that already. And even if I have not been able to understand why I was so punished, but I realized something else, something incomparably more important. I realized that life is worth living."

24.04.2006