On the Wings of Hope: Prose (Recognized)

How fantasy heroes will install Windows

1. Warrior

Pushes an installation disk into the drive with the help of steel gauntlet. Moves nearby, while the installation process is being performed, practicing swords swinging and shaking, and sometimes bashing his shield for greater frightening effect. When the installation is finally completed and during the first boot Windows hangs up, he smashes thrice-damned device into an incalculable number of small slices in his mighty rage.

2. Thief

Acquires a pirated copy of the latest beta version of Windows for mere two silver coins, silently opens a drive with a lockpick, puts a disk there and then even more silently closes the drive and launches the installation process. When the message popups: "A new device has been detected: Windows installation disk", shouts "Hell, we've been spotted!" and runs away with such a speed that only his heels sparkle.

3. Priest

Before begging the installation process, blesses Windows media disk and splashes holy water on it, and only after those important procedures inserts it into a drive. When the drive cannot read the seriously watered disk and message popups – "Unable to read from the device. Abort? Retry? Ignore?" – he overshadows himself in horror, shouting "I banish thee, unholy one!" and starts moving around the computer, singing holy prayers. After two hours of traveling, during which the disk has just enough time to completely dry up, tries to repeat the process once again. After the installation process completes successfully, kneels and performs yet another three-hour praise to the gods that they have heard his modest prayers and have aided him in his struggle against the evil.

4. Paladin

Takes Windows installation disk and lay on hands on it. Waits for several minutes and then inserts a disk in a drive. As soon as installation starts put his ankh on a chassis for greater effect. When the installation process finishes and during the first boot Windows hangs up, proclaims: "Disbeliever! Feel the wrath of Gods!" and smashes accursed device into a lot of tiny pieces.

5. Mage

Carefully takes Windows installation disk and casts "Identify" spell on it. After the spell determines the version of Windows on a disk, casts a "Detect Magic" spell on it. When his spell detects nothing unusual, breathes with a sign of relief and cast a "Detect Alignment" spell on it. Becomes wary after the spell detects alignment as "chaotic neutral". Casts a "Purify" spell on disk and only then finally launches the installation process. Having fun with own familiar during the installation process. After the installation completes, repeatedly casts "Detect Alignment" spell on a computer. Becomes alerted even more, when a spell determines alignment as "chaotic evil". Casts "Time Stop", trying to decipher, what magical streams have created such astounding alteration of disk's alignment. Reboots the computer. When during the first boot Windows hangs up, becomes extremely angered, casting on himself "Haste", "Greater Globe Of Invulnerability", "Greater Reflect Magic", "Stoneskin", "Ironskin", "Total Immunity" and then at last casts "Fireball" on ill-fated device, enjoying a smell of burned rubber and wires.

6. Barbarian

Takes installation disk, plays with it, trying to understand, by what side it should be inserted into a drive. Puts a disk into a drive by the first found side. After that emits a heart-breaking war cry in order to start the installation process. When Windows disk shutters into pieces from such vibrations, becomes extremely enraged and, having entered a berserker condition, smashes accursed device and what is remained from a disk as well into a thousand and one pieces.

7. Ranger

Shoots an arrow and opens a drive, having hit "Eject" button. Puts installation Windows disk on a second arrow and fires it in a drive. When a disk falls from an arrow just in time just into a drive, starts installation process. While installation process goes on, summons black bear and discusses with him the delights of the wood hunting, which have allowed him to find an aforementioned disk in a belly of some unlucky wood troll together with even less lucky thief – the initial owner of the disk, – swallowed by the troll. When the installation processes comes to its end and during the first boot Windows hangs up, sets his bear on a chassis, while making a pillow for needles from a monitor himself.

8. Bard

Before inserting a disk in a drive, takes it out for everyone to behold and starts singing a ballad of far kingdoms and treasures of goddess-destiny, who have helped him to once find such a wonderful and admirable artifact. When somewhat about twenty gawks and gapers gather around him, sings not less heart-touching ballade of the terrifying black dragon, nicknamed Microsoft, whom he along with his comrades-in-arms have finally defeated in a bloody and just battle, and in whose lair such artifact has been found. When somewhat about fifty gawks and gapers gather around him, at last dares to insert this disk in a drive. When message popups – "Unregistered Windows copy" – makes a sad gesture and sings even more heart-touching ballade of a deceit, lie and insidiousness, reigning in the lands of Faerun.

9. Monk

Puts installation disk on the unremarkable stone shrine, and makes a holy circular detour. After that sits down in a pose of a lotus and begins his meditation. After ten-hour meditation comes to his senses, softly puts a disk in a drive and launches installation process. Dives into meditation again, while the installation process goes on. After fifteen-hour meditation comes to his senses and sees, that the system cannot continue the installation process because of a necessity to press "any key" for process's continuation. Presses this particular "any key" and once again plunges himself into meditation. After three-hour meditation returns to this world once again, and sees, that system has hung up. Having overcome an internal impulse of anger of his essence, starts installation anew, and sits down to meditate. After fifteen-hours meditation sees, that the system asks him to press "any key" once again. Again presses the very same "any key" and plunges himself into meditation. After three-hour meditation comes back to this world once more only to observe that the system has hung yet again. Repeatedly having overcome an internal impulse of anger of his essence, starts all process – including, most certainly, meditation – anew. After twentyfold repetition of a situation as last enrages and demonstrates finesse of kickboxing to a computer. Becomes satisfied only when there is not even a smallest object, which have a dent from his fists, left, and then sits down to meditate once again, as always.

02.01.2006