On the Wings of Hope: Prose (Recognized)

Liar

Liar.

Nay, nay, that's not you for certain. After all, you have never lied to anybody in your life, right? Well, at least a little. However, this was almost millennia ago, and, besides...

Your parents simply forced you to deceive them, for they were too severe and strict at times – and thus you lied to them to avoid the next scolding. You sincerely believed that adults are all reasonable and fair, and you should stand up to them considering a sample for imitation for yourself, so young by that time. What a great disappointment awaited you! Since the time you have become a witness of how adults, surrounding you and – even! – your own parents have been continuously lying each other in things big and small, you have ceased to consider it as something terribly vile. Has reconciled and accepted this as a sort of a reality, given to you through sensations. Indeed, people tend to be deceived by others for they are inclined to deceive them. Well, this used to happen.

Then you had to lie to contemporaries at the school of the status of your parents – otherwise series of punches and clips were waiting for you because of that individuality of yours, unduly greatly sticking out from a crowd. What a joy is that your schoolmates couldn't check out your words and thus your deceit worked well! And as for you... after all, you simply tried to protect yourself from that false world, huh? In due time you have come to the conclusion that it's far better and easier to go down the stream instead...

And then you have fallen in love with a girl. Truly, sincerely, with your entire wounded soul. You thirsted so greatly to be loved in return! To receive even a droplet of warm attitude, a particle of sympathy, a handful of understanding... She deceived you for the reason that you have deceived her – you didn't desire to destroy the previously formed myth of your origins, and she had no wish of you being aware that you are not the first one in her life... and not the last one by far. During that very moment, you felt so deeply all the nasty meaning and essence of people lying to each other. You desired to restore your relations and build them up anew, to become another man – a true, original one, instead of that invented fake individuality – yet you had no more powers to refuse your fake image. You wanted so greatly to cease lying to yourself, but...

But you had to lie once again. To deceive people and be deceived in people yourself.

You manipulated their feelings and opinions in order to get a desired and favorable result. You juggled with the facts and pitted men with each other, humbly remaining in a shadow, only to come out from it as illusionary winner afterward. You made promises and never fulfilled them. You swore time and again – yet all this became simply the next useless phrase, thrown into the air. You knew how greatly people thirst inside to believe that a flattery, wasted by you, is the way you originally feel – and you willingly used this weakness of theirs to own advantage.

You have created a grandiose myth of yourself – an image that was capable to outlive even you because it required his last owner no more and became his own master instead. So, gradually and methodically, you have become a hostage of own lies, and there were no more ways for a retreat. Or, to tell the truth, they have become too difficult for you.

A liar?

Nay, no way! That cannot be you. You have never lied to yourself about yourself, right you are? But in a world where everyone lies to everyone in things big and small, it's so hard not to become a victim of self-deception. Yet even the grandiose of lies once began with small deceptions, right... self-deceiver?

And what can be more deadly that lying to yourself?

16.08.2011