My Brother's Boyfriend ✓

Thirteen

Zayn pulls me into his arms, and the fact that he reeks of sweat doesn't repel me any. I need this, I need my best mate. I tell him all about the conversation with Harry, and how I didn't even intend to tell him about all the things Toby has done, but that he asked and it all came tumbling out.

"I told him about the journal and stuff, too. How there's written evidence that I have feelings for someone that isn't Toby, and he asked me who it was about. I said it was no one and ran away, but I came so close to telling him, like, four different times this morning about my feelings for him."

"Maybe you should? I mean, it kind of sounds like he may have feelings for you, as well. I'm not saying jump right in and go "Hey Harry, not to be weird or anything but I'm in love with you. Have been for, like, five years. Okay, bye!" But say something like "Hey I have to tell you something. I need to get it off my chest and then that will be the end. So, here goes: I have feelings for you. It's been a long time, but I'm really trying to move on from them, and so telling you is something that I just need to do in order to heal," or something along those lines. You know?" He offers.

"I mean...maybe someday...I just...I can't do it. Not right now, at least. Maybe someday I can, but today is not that day."

"That's okay, you don't have to do it right now, or even today. Just...when the time is right, I think you should tell him. That's all. In the meantime, I'm going to go take a shower, if that's alright with you? I'll be back soon, okay?"

"Yeah, go. You stink," I say and we both start laughing. He gets up and heads back inside to take a shower, leaving the window open once he's gone.

His words run through my mind. Maybe I should tell Harry about my feelings? Hell, it'd give me the closure I would need in order to ever potentially move past them, as if I haven't gotten that already. I mean, would it do me any good?

To tell him that I have feelings for him?

Would it ruin whatever is left of our already broken friendship? Hell, our entire relationship is in shambles - would it be able to survive something like this?

I don't want to risk scaring him off, because I really do miss him and his friendship, but would that be easier? Would it be easier for me, in the long run, to have no relationship at all? I'd like to think it would...but would it kill me first?

My mind runs rampant with all of these unanswered questions. In an ideal world, I would have never developed feelings for him in the first place.

But this is not an ideal world, and I definitely did not intend for any of this to happen. I didn't intend to fall for him, I didn't intend for him to fall for Nick, and I didn't intend to lose him along the way.

Why has everything become so royally fucked up?

In order to [attempt to] get my mind off of everything, I start strumming the first song that comes to my mind, the lyrics spilling out of my lips involuntarily.

~

In the morning when I wake

And the sun is coming through

Oh, you fill my lungs with sweetness,

And you fill my head with you

Shall I write it in a letter?

Shall I try to get it down?

Oh, you fill my head with pieces

Of a song I can't get out

Can I be close to you?

Ooh, Ooh

Ooh, Ooh